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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

3 kids together but wants days apart and space

48 replies

toddd02 · 09/03/2021 17:15

A few years ago we split and got separate houses. But in the past year got back together.

We have three kids together but he wants me and the kids to go home for 3 days a week and not to talk in those times because he needs "space from me".

But he'll go through times he can't be without us etc.

This is completely not normal is it?

He has never had the kids on his own. They are always wirh me and when we split he came over to visit them whilst I did everything.

OP posts:

AIMD · 09/03/2021 21:21

This is a case of having your cake and eating it isn’t it? He get to have the family and partner looking after the family but still have his single man space.

Onthedunes · 09/03/2021 21:24

----ing Hell

Christ I've read some stuff on here but.....

No I can't I just want to swear.

Clymene · 09/03/2021 22:49

So you got back together, he knocked you up, then decided he'd had enough when the new baby was born?

Again, what do you get out of this (apart from another baby and babies are of course lovely)?

SandyY2K · 10/03/2021 01:32

You've had a third child with him after getting back together a year ago...he's never had the kids on his own and wondering if this is normal...it's normal for him and from his POV..you're okay with it.

His proposal or request isn't normal for most people. He's a pt parent...and thinks it's optional to bow out when he wants.

Did he make effort with the kids during your split?

gutful · 10/03/2021 01:54

Why go back for 2 and 3 when he never took care of the 1st?

What he is doing is not acceptable but you have not only accepted it but went back for more.

As others say no reason he can’t have the older 2

rulerbirds · 10/03/2021 02:08

Jesus. No this absolutely isn’t normal. Tell him to jog on. If he wants the kids he takes the older two to his house. He has them for the whole weekend. He’s taking the piss

Original poster

toddd02 · 10/03/2021 06:35

I wish I could just send them over but he's aware I miss them after a day. I've always never be fine with myself being a part time parent and he's aware of this and is abusing it and I've never really thought of it that way.

I'm going to just once so he learns his lesson and steps up

I've never been a mug before kids and it's literally only because he knows I love being with them all the time. I constantly say I love waking up to them, reading stories goodnight etc

The part that really gives me the ick is he still he should be able to demand they go to his parents when they don't to his house

OP posts:

MaMaD1990 · 10/03/2021 06:52

This is wrong on so many levels. You may love having your kids around you and looking after them but he should also be making the effort to not just look after them but bond with them. To be honest, just doing it once to teach him a lesson will do nothing but make him realise it was just a little bump in the road and he'll merrily carry on as normal. He will learn nothing. You need to think about what is best for you and your children, and by that I also mean thinking about the possibility of you being a part time parent (as you put it that way). The relationship, frankly, is a mess and you'd be better off just calling it quits with him and giving your children a stable environment, however you decide that should be. Personally, I'd be separating and move towards shared custody in whatever form you'd like. By the sounds of it, he doesn't seem fussed about having the children that much so would likely fall in your favour.

gutful · 10/03/2021 06:53

Ok well your update changes things.

You have 3 children & don’t live together so you’re basically more separated than you are together

your comment about being a “part time parent” by sending the 2 eldest to their father is pretty insulting to single parents

your issues of missing your kids after a day are yours to deal with, your kids should not be denied their relationship with their father due to you feeling sad about missing them. That is pretty selfish

if he were a more engaged father you would not have the choice & have to cope with them staying weekends

it sounds reasonable that he wants the children to have a relationship with his grandparents & unsure why the kids visiting grandma & grandpa is a problem for you

it sounds like you enjoy this set up as it is beneficial for you. You don’t actually want the kids to stay there

So what is your issue?

You are mad if you think this relationship is real

MaMaD1990 · 10/03/2021 07:03

@gutful - very true and I'd also like to add that you also need to allow for him to be a dad and not put your own feelings of wanting to look after the kids 24/7 to one side.

Dery · 10/03/2021 07:22

OP - it sounds painful for you but our children are not our belongings. It is important for them to have relationships with other caring adults also and it’s unfair to them for you to hinder that. Unless you have safeguarding concerns about his parents, it’s great the children can go there. You’re not a part-time parent because your children spend some time away from you. That thinking is unhelpful to you and unhelpful to them.

category12 · 10/03/2021 07:40

I think it's a bit of a jump to say op is being unreasonable about him passing off the dc on the grandparents. If he doesn't customarily engage with them and experience is, that if it was his contact time, he'd palm the kids off on his parents instead of looking after them, then it would be pretty aggrieving. It doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't want GPs involved at all.

Op, of course you miss the dc, but you get used to it, and even come to enjoy a bit of time on your own. You shouldn't subsume your entire identity into being mum, you need something else in your life too.

Justcallmebebes · 10/03/2021 10:50

I'm not sure I understand. Do you live together in one house? Plus, if you don't want to be separated from the kids how can he step up and have them?

You are treated how you allow yourself to be treated but this doesn't sound so cut and dried

Marineboy67 · 10/03/2021 11:00

Sounds like a great way to fuck your kids up, "sorry children your father can't see you for 72 hours he needs space!" That's not a relationship just a load of selfish bollox on his side. Why do you put up with it,

RantyAnty · 10/03/2021 11:17

You have the newborn. How old are the other DC?

I'm not sure I understand. Are you still living separately?

SVRT19674 · 10/03/2021 11:23

This is so weird. I think it is time you get an official arrangement. As for him palming off his kids on his parents because he can't be bothered to parent, well, kids aren't stupid, they grow and they will realise who is there for them and will probably not want anything to do with him as they also will need space (from him). You reap what you sow. Bin this waste of space.

Sunshineandflipflops · 10/03/2021 11:57

- your comment about being a “part time parent” by sending the 2 eldest to their father is pretty insulting to single parents

Yes, this. I never wanted to be away from my children for any time either but my husband having an affair meant that this became my reality. I could have stayed so that I never had to be apart from my kids but I have more self resect than that and want to teach them that they are worth more than to put up with that when they are older.

Your OH sounds like an idiot and I hope you find enough self respect to leave for good. By the sounds of it, he won't want the kids much anyway so you won't have to worry.

Brunt0n · 10/03/2021 12:10

He'd be getting a lot of permanent space from me

NerrSnerr · 10/03/2021 12:16

What's the set up. If you're in different houses how is labour divided? Does he financially contribute to the children? Pay his half of childcare? Do school/ nursery runs etc?

harknesswitch · 10/03/2021 12:24

It will completely mess with your, and the dc's heads. He can't keep chopping and changing his mind, it's not fair on everyone

AIMD · 10/03/2021 12:51

@toddd02

I'm going to just once so he learns his lesson and steps up

I've never been a mug before kids and it's literally only because he knows I love being with them all the time. I constantly say I love waking up to them, reading stories goodnight etc

The part that really gives me the ick is he still he should be able to demand they go to his parents when they don't to his house

I think you need to reframe the way you think. The children spending a day (or even a few days a week) with their other parent wouldn’t make you a part-time parent. It would give you space to get things done you want done or find harder with the kids home and it gives them time with their other parent who SHOULD be meeting their needs too.

In terms of living being with your kids all the time. That’s fab and must be really lovely for them to know you enjoy your time with them. Having a day a week (or 2 days a month or whatever) away won’t take away from that though. Naturally as they get older you will spend less time with them so in some ways making sure you have things outside of them is also important in the long term. My mum didn’t have that (although she certainly didn’t love being with me all the time) and she really had no idea of what to do when we got older and started going out, moving out etc.

Don’t take them to his parents. If he wants them to go to his parents tell him when he can have them to take them over. It’s not your job to facilitate Hyde contact he wants them to have with his parents.

icdtap · 10/03/2021 13:31

Have I understood this correctly?
You and the kids are now living in his house.
You still have your own house.
He wants you to live in his house 4 days a week and live in your own 3 days a week?

FUCK THAT. That is disruptive for the children. Live in your own house with the children. Split from this wanker and make a sensible, mutually-agreeable arrangement regarding contact for the children with their father.

Tiktaktoe · 10/03/2021 13:39

Interesting first post.....

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