Missing my kids - hand hold anyone?

[WingingItAtLife]

My kids are having a 3 night stay with the ex. He's narcissistic so we have little contact unless it's on his terms so I will have no contact with the kids at all.
He also had them Fri - Mon with no contact with me.
I had the children last night as he couldn't do the school run this morning (again his terms). They've lived with me since November when we spilt with only a few weekends with him.
My 7 year old cried last night and this morning saying she didn't want to be away from me. My 4 year old cried this morning and told me he loved me.

I don't want them to stay with them when they don't want to but I feel like I have no option... He is their dad. And if I try to stop it he'll tell me I'm withholding them.
This stay was not prearranged, he text me Thursday afternoon to say it was happening and when I tried to argue that the children weren't ready to be away from me that long he told me I was withholding contact and he'd take me to court

Please can anyone just hold my hand for the next few days x x x

Have you been to court about this? Personally I would not make my children go somewhere where they didn't want yo go and it stressed them out like this. You need to be firm on a fair custody split. He cant demand when he sees them like this

Oh sweetie.

You know what, why don't you take it to court.

Then at least there is stability, routine, you all know where you stand. He won't be in control anymore. Make sure you get it agreed in court there is no changing of dates, if he cancels he misses that time.

He is still dictating.

Get courts to tell him how it is.

But during their time away try and do what you want, blitz the house, cook your favourite dinner the kids don't like. Watch utter crap on TV that makes you happy. You have to answer to no one now. Pick up the pieces with the kids when they return. Get their favourite pyjamas, dinner, movie and movie snacks all awaiting their return.

Let him take you to court.

Encourage him to take this to court. Then make sure you only allow contact on his days. Otherwise he's going to continue taking the piss and have them on all the fun days like Xmas and birthdays.

Thing is, I don't know how to physically stop him.
If I'd turned up at the school today to pick the kids up he'd have been there and it would have caused a scene!
We verbally agreed that he has them every other weekend fri-sunday.
He just happened to have a week off this week and sees it as his right to have them.
I'm terrified that if we take it to court he'll get 50/50 and I'll have to pack the kids off crying even more often x

He's already demanding all of Easter weekend because it's 'his weekend'

I told him his weekend is Friday 5pm - Sunday 5pm because I'm the one who pays the childminder until 5 on a Friday because he won't help

Do it while your kids are tiny. My friend did it when her kids were teens and the oldest was in Disney Dad's thrall and took the younger with him.

Keep notes of all the 'primary parents stuff you do. Childminders/medical appointments/shoefitting/Cubs etc

He is trying the Disney dad stuff - his new gf works on a farm so they get horse rides, they told me daddy doesn't rush them at bedtime like mummy and let's them watch their iPads, daddy doesn't make them bath 😳 and he buys them McDonald's

Would it cost an awful lot to get this sorted through court? Would I have to go through mediation first? X x

Tbh I think if you do go down the court route - which is a totally fine option and might be better if you're dealing with a difficult ex - you do need to be aware that he will likely get at least every other weekend so your children will be spending time away from you still.

Your split is fairly recent and your children are young and still adjusting. Of course they would prefer to be with you and their dad at the same time, but that can't be the case anymore. They will get upset from time to time and that's OK and natural. But as you've said, they do still need to see their dad.

Unless you have concerns about their welfare when they're with him, the best thing you can do is wave them off with a smile, let them know some things you'll be doing while they're away (even if you have to make some up) so they aren't worrying you're lonely, and encourage them to have fun with their dad.

It's so hard to get used to but you will get there.

@WingingItAtLife

He is trying the Disney dad stuff - his new gf works on a farm so they get horse rides, they told me daddy doesn't rush them at bedtime like mummy and let's them watch their iPads, daddy doesn't make them bath 😳 and he buys them McDonald's

Would it cost an awful lot to get this sorted through court? Would I have to go through mediation first? X x

I appreciate this stuff is hard for you to stomach and I can see why, but this is all nice things that they probably enjoy.

What would you be hoping for from the court? If he has only had a few weekends with them since November then it sounds like you do have them the majority of the time and the court is unlikely to make any visitation with him less frequent than your current situation.

Oh love. I’m so sorry for you. But fuck letting me ex dictate when he can and can’t have the kids. So what if he’s a narc? THEY come first. I know its hard to stand upto a manipulator. I would thoroughly recommend the Freedom Programme to start learning how to manage this.

You need to try to seperate your feelings and hide them from the kids.

It seems they habe a good time with him, albeit not the way you do it, which is normal and fine, especially as he’s trying to make them feel happy and settled, as this is all so new. The kids shouldn’t be upset at seeing their dad, unless there is a welfare concern, so you need to make sure they are not feeding off your feelings here. As bibidy said the best you can do is wave rhem off with a smile.

They aren’t too young to be away from you, no more than they are too young to be away from their dad. Court should be the last option.

Demanding isn’t ok. And he needs ro play nicely. You both need to agree access and dates. If you can’t do this then yes, court will be required.

I’d pick up the phone and speak to him calmly about the arrangements and if you wish to stick to it rigidly.

What would I hope for?

I'd be happy to continue with the every other weekend, in fact, I'd be happy with him having them for a midweek visit too.
What I would hope to gain would be him losing the ability to suddenly demand to have the children for longer then prearranged, and only tell me the day before.
I'd hope that the courts would tell him it's unreasonable of him to expect ALL of Easter weekend (both bank holidays)

@WingingItAtLife Just to give you an example, my DP split with his ex when his kids were 5 and 18 months.

At first he would visit them at the old family home while ex was at work, then he had them for Saturday each week, then it moved to every other weekend and once during the week. Then they moved away, so it became every other weekend. It took 7 months for everyone to get settled into this new routine.

It was hard for his ex as she felt like she had lost control - she was the children's main carer and she struggled to not know what they were eating, when they were going to bed, if they were ok etc etc. But she had to learn to let go a little as once they decided to split they both knew they'd have time without the kids where the other parent was solely in charge.

Both of the children have had little upsets over the years - no one would deny it's hard on children to have split parents. Even now, after 6 years, my SD (7) still gets teary when she's leaving her mum 2 out of 3 times. But as soon as DP drives away with her she is fine again. If anything, it seems she puts on the little show for her mum because she doesn't want her to think she wants to leave her, rather than any genuine upset on her part.

Re Easter weekend, for us it is what your ex is suggesting - whoever's weekend it falls on does keep them the whole time. But obviously I know others split bank holidays and things so you could come to an agreement on that going forward.

@WingingItAtLife

What would I hope for?

I'd be happy to continue with the every other weekend, in fact, I'd be happy with him having them for a midweek visit too.
What I would hope to gain would be him losing the ability to suddenly demand to have the children for longer then prearranged, and only tell me the day before.
I'd hope that the courts would tell him it's unreasonable of him to expect ALL of Easter weekend (both bank holidays)

I think what you want is reasonable, but then I guess so is your ex wanting to have the children extra when he is off work - not at the last minute though.

Would he not be interested in sorting out dates in advance as to when he'd have them extra?

I don't know where the courts stand on bank holidays but imagine you could probably get an agreement where you get half the bank holidays each.

Hand hold for you. My boys (10 &7) have just gone to stay with their dad for another 5 nights- we do 50/50 & I'm left bereft again. They didn't really want to go either which is hard. We have been split since January 2020 & we've kind of fallen into this routine of 5 nights each. Its hard when they are with me everything is all about them. School, playing, tea, telly, stories, bed. Then its just yourself.
All I would say is be kind to yourself. Treat yourself nicely. Accept they are going to have to have a life with their dad & it won't involve you. I try not to let them know how I feel but just that I love them so much & make the most out of our time together.

No, I told him I would have appreciated more notice and he said 'notice for what? They're my kids, don't withhold them!'
I also said that if he'd like to discuss seeing them more than every other weekend, we could discuss it. And he said he doesn't want to discuss or change anything.

So it feels to Me, that he wants them every other weekend, until he decides he wants more.

Also, I do try so very hard to hide my feelings from the children. I listen to their stories of horse rides and McDonald's, and smile and say that's lovely etc.
I tell them all the time that both mummy and daddy love them but we could no longer love together.
And when my 7 year old was upset this morning I told her what I always tell her, that she'll have fun at daddy's and that he wants to see her too. And that is okay to miss someone because that means we love them and we'll have a huge squeeze when we see each other next time x

It's so hard parenting with an arsehole. My exH lets them stay up watching telly til 1am, eating LOADS of sweets and not washing/cleaning themselves (age 5&3). I drew the line when he let the 3 year old have an hours sleep at 4pm just before he came home because he was up until 1am with nursery the next morning. Would your ex even want or be able to do 50/50? Mine wouldn't so he can threaten court all he wants but I would make sure I stuck to the court order 100% with absolutely no favours or flexibility if that's the path he chose.

I have a step daughter who can get upset at the prospect of leaving her mum. Within 20 seconds of pulling out of the drive she is happy and smiles and we normally get it the other end that she wants to stay for longer. I wouldn’t worry too much about the children being unhappy. I would hope it’s the case with your children that once they’ve actually left they are ok.

I think it’s completely normal for children to miss their mum even if they are having a lovely time and vide verse, I would miss my child also. I really feel for you and I hope things get better for you.

Have you thought about setting a parenting plan?

So I can see it from both his POV and yours. You get the lions share of time with the DC so I can see why he doesn’t think it’s unreasonable to have extra time with them whenever he can.

The lack of notice isn’t good, but as long as it didn’t cock up your plans for the week then surely it’s not a bad thing (for them) that they have an involved Dad in the picture? Perhaps it would be better to keep your powder dry for an occasion where you’ve planned something and need to tell him “not this time”

Holidays are usually split in half (including Bank Holidays) so tot them up and keep a running total - and show him it. If he prefers to use up the Easter weekend then it comes off his tally and you’ll have more flexibility later this year.

Plus he’s establishing a precedent - it means if Easter next year is your weekend then he doesn’t have a leg to stand on when you keep them for both bank hols.

Have you agreed what will happen at Christmas btw? That’s a big potential flashpoint.

@WingingItAtLife

What would I hope for?

I'd be happy to continue with the every other weekend, in fact, I'd be happy with him having them for a midweek visit too.
What I would hope to gain would be him losing the ability to suddenly demand to have the children for longer then prearranged, and only tell me the day before.
I'd hope that the courts would tell him it's unreasonable of him to expect ALL of Easter weekend (both bank holidays)

The first part is very reasonable. Your DC need consistency and routine. It helps kids feel secure. Knowing where they'll be on what days is a big part of that. I wouldn't say it's necessarily unreasonable for him to want to have them longer when he's off work. But arrangements should be agreed well ahead of time and should consider what the kids need most importantly.