Advice with mother in law

[GlossyGin]

We were planning a wedding, due to be in the next three months. Due to having issues with our venue we are going to cancel the wedding and rebook elsewhere in due course.

Prior to making this decision, we spoke with both of our parents openly about the issues with the venue and money paid to them thus far. At this point, we've not told anyone else as we feel it's private and as soon as we know for definite what is happening, we would then let all of our family and friends know.

After speaking with OH's parents, we bumped into friends out on a walk. They aren't closest friends but are invited to the wedding. They told us that they had seen OH's mother food shopping and that she had told them every detail of our recent conversation including our financial position with the venue and the money held. Following seeing these friends OH raised it with his mother who laughed it off. He tried to say we aren't comfortable with you sharing those details but she was passive aggressive about the whole thing.

From this point we've then kept the details to ourselves to avoid this happening again. This weekend OH's mother was trying to press us on details of the wedding and a postponement date as she wants to book a holiday next summer. We then received a text message which stated words to the effect of us not missing them even if they weren't there.

I would say generally we have a good relationship with them both. OH's mother is a very difficult woman though and I am conscious of that but I try to deal with it as best possible. Neither me or OH want for our personal details or news to be shared unless we share it ourselves as it's our wedding but we can't guarantee that.

I'm looking for some advice going forward regarding the wedding plans and updates. How do I broach cancellation and when? She isn't paying towards the wedding, not that it matters to us in any way but I presume some may ask her financial involvement in order to give her fair inclusion with the plans.

Thanks in advance. X

Just give her the date, when you have one, and keep it at that.

Tell her you want all your guests, including her, to just concentrate on enjoying the day and not worry about details before then.

I’d ignore the PA digs about you not missing them if they’re not there etc. She’ll get over it quicker if you don’t react to her.

@PaterPower thanks for the advice. I think I'll still have to be respectful and tell her the same time as my parents but in the hope that others don't know via her.

It's such a tricky situation!

Why not be honest and tell her she’ll get the most basic need to know info as you specifically asked her to keep the last conversation private and she didn’t? Don’t worry about upsetting her when she couldn’t give a toss about upsetting you. She then went straight to emotional blackmail with a self pitying incredibly manipulative “you won’t miss us if we’re not there”.

You’re making a mistake to treat both sets of parents the same through a naive assumption they’re the same sorts of people. If yours are kind, rational, sensible types who want what’s best for you then you’re possibly assuming better of his than they deserve.

You’re adults, you’re getting married, you need a life of your own. Once the wedding is behind you there’ll probably be issue after issue, her opinions on houses, on children if that’s on the cards for you, etc etc. Set out your stall now and get your partner on the same page or life will be harder than it needs to be.

@AnneLovesGilbert my parents have understood the stress we have been under and haven't told anyone. That goes without us asking every time.

Maybe I am being too fair when we aren't getting fairness in return. She has a nasty sharp tongue and is very two faced. Whilst we get on and be civil, I am always having to consider how to approach things with her to avoid the backlash, pouts, toys out of the pram and manipulation afterwards.

Hopefully keeping things short and sweet will help?

How much contact did your partner have with her before you got together? How involved does he want to be with her now?

Don’t try and up contact or involvement with his side to match yours. Yours love and care for you, his want to control and manipulate you. Be careful!

@AnneLovesGilbert he lived there before we were together but has never been close. Now, he speaks to his parents on occasions, ie with wedding updates currently, or previously work updates.

Prior to lockdown they would come over early on the weekends, always unannounced. I think she tries to see how I "keep the house and her son" when I'm not prepared for her arrival. We also do family things with our nephew and OH's brother and sister in law on birthdays etc. That's it though. She has walked into my house once during lockdown also when I have vulnerable relatives. Another upset caused but that's another of many stories I could tell.

I'm lucky that OH is happy with that level of contact and over time apart from his family as only seen more and more of how toxic they can be.

Leave it to your partner to deal with her, especially if she’s being unpleasant.

If you don’t want her to know the date (I’m unclear if you actually have one or not?) just give her say, 3 dates and say we hope it will be one of these. Final details to be confirmed.

I don’t understand your last point about her contributing financially. It’s not usual to ask for a contribution or to attach any extra involvement if it is given.if a gift is offered it’s up to you to decide if you wish to accept. She does sound as if she might be liable to try to buy her way into the planning.

@MatildaTheCat we don't have a date as yet but looking into getting a new date.

I included that as friends have asked me in what way is she contributing as if she is, then I may want to consider some involvement in planning. Or even if we was nice to me, then I'd welcome it to be completely honest. I see you're point though, money doesn't equate involvement if it's a gift.

Get yourself a copy of the marriage saving booking Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward. She’s already trampling all over your reasonable boundaries and disrespecting you. You’re marrying your partner, not his parents. This wedding thing and her blabbing is a good thing if it gets you in a proactive frame of mind, working out what sort of relationship (if any) you want with them and where your lines are that you won’t accept being broken. She’s treating you like a child she can boss around, not a grown woman who has rights and won’t be pushed around. She’ll stamp her feet, cry, try to manipulate you, that’s okay. She’s not your manager. If she shows up unannounced again do not let her in. Your home is yours to invite in only the people you choose.

@AnneLovesGilbert thank you, I'll read that. I think I'll need it!!

When you have your new date if your oh is on board don't tell mil the new date until you are ready for everyone to know. She has already proven she can't be trusted. Tell your parents early as they can.

@AnneLovesGilbert

OP, the above is really good advice.

Are you hoping for a long happy marriage?
Tread with care.

Personally I would advise someone with a MIL like that to run!

It's not good that she calls early to your house to catch you out and yet you allow her in.

She will have opinions on everything going forward.
You need to manage this.

Do not make the stupid mistake of thinking you know better than your partner.
Do NOT interfere in his relationship with his parents.
Do not facilitate nor try to fix it.

Do NOT take on wide work re his family.
Any gifting etc should be left to him.

Too many women make these silly mistakes.

She gives you zero respect, pull back.

@billy1966 yes of course. I'm very lucky that OH is of the same view as me and we are a team.

I do think refusing her entry when she turns up would cause more issues that it would solve but I do think boundaries need to be set. She has none whatsoever. She always wants to look around my house, the bedrooms, any work we've had done. I could go on, honestly.

I do try my best to facilitate and OH deals with any issues. She can be very sharp tongued to me in person and very passive aggressive. I often just say "what do you mean by that" rather than reacting, she usually says it's a joke. I never know what's right to do or say.

Its vety difficult to deal with passive aggressive people as you either need to call them on their tricks which practically guarantee a conflict or you need to handle the situation in their manner - you can say what you want but like a joke, smiling or laughing.
For example, when she wants to look around your house, you can say Ah, it's not a museum, nothing to look at or Oh we didn't expect the house inspection today, we would prepare better or something like that.
But ideally try to minimize the contact.

Keep asking "what do you mean by that" and perhaps add in "did you mean that to sound so rude/mean/disrespectful".

Every time.

You seem to be spending a lot of time with someone who really doesn't like you.

If you don't start pulling back and tell your OH that you really feel it is best that YOU don't see so much of them and that he should see HIS parents at their house....

I promise you if you have children she will cause you pain, grief and terrible upset.

She will place herself right in the middle of YOUR family and criticise everything you do.

You have a chance now pre marriage to put in firm boundaries.

My friend had a MIL like yours.
She had put up with a lot of digs and PA and nosiness from her but had enough.

She was visiting and her MIL made a dig at her. She asked her quietly what she meant and was told it was a joke.
She gathered her things and just said very quietly and firmly it was time to go.

She did this a couple of times and she was accused of being sensitive.
She replied that she wasn't sensitive, she just didn't like her unkind remarks.

She stood up only once and did it in her own house and said she thought it was time they left.

Her husband supported her, which was critical but her MIL changed her ways.

She knew that if she was rude in ANY way, the visit would be cut short.

There was never any argument but she made her position very clear.

Having boundaries does not mean you have to scream and shout.

It is important that your OH sees it too.
What is his response to her rudeness?

If he ignores it, you have a BIG problem that will only get worse.

However you do this, sort it out or she will be a poison in your marriage and lives.