Friends and moving away! - Big Problems.

[Twinkie1]

Right long story but will try and make it brief!

Moved 50 miles away a few months ago and have been having a few problems since moving here.

Had 2 really good friends who have kids same age as mine - I visited them regularly since moving up here with a lot of help from DH in terms of lookig after DCs as one of friends just went through huge relationship break up and I wanted to be there for her. The other friend has a new baby and so I also made sure I went and visited her as soon as I could although was made to feel as though I outstayed welcome when I got there and wasn't even allowed to hold baby after 2.5 hour drive through hideous road works.

Anyway recently went down to visit them as was one of their birthdays and was my birthday the week after and I asked if they were going to come and visit me - the answer I got left me reeling - 'No, its too far for me to be bothered, you moved up there so its your fault!' was one of their answers - was said in a really harsh tone and it really upset me. I didn't say anything but burst into tears later and left with DCs under a cloud.

Anyway we emailed and texted about the fall out and they said they would visit a few weeks later I half term - the day before I emailed and said were they still coming up - No they had forgoten about it and booked an appointment at the hairdressers - knowing how hurt I was about their manner previously I was stunned!

I saw them at the weekend in a group of people and one of them tried to tackle me - asking me what was wrong with me and it was my fault I felt upset as obviously I should move back because I have been upset since I moved house. Well things aren't that easy at the moment but I feel so let down by them and one in particular seems to think that they have done nothing wrong - I am so shocked by her behavior and what amounts to complete denial of my feelings that I can't even look at her and cry every time I think about it.

Am I being silly to think that we were such firm friends that they would still want to see me and all the effort would not have to come from me, maybe a 50 mile journey is thought of by others as a huge outing whereas it is nothing to me - am I stupid - if anyone rang me and said they needed me I would be there for them no matter what time of day or night it was and although was not asking for much of their time or for them to visit at silly hours I thought at least they would make the effort to keep our friendship going and it would not all have to come from me.

twink, i feel your pain. You are not being unreasonable. A friend is a friend no matter where they live. My best friend will be moving about an hour away prob next month and i am dreading it..

Maybe you have grown apart? Friendship has to be 2 way and it doesnt seem to me that they are prepared to meet you half way.. are they really the sort of friends you want?

I agree, if one of my friends needed me i'd be there whenever they needed me (with 16 month old in tow!)

Thanks for that - it's her dismissal of my feelings that hurts the most. If I had upset someone by not making an effort I most certainly would not just forget about next arrangement I have made to see them I would make damn sure I was there with bells on.

And as for moving back - maybe if I hated it here and they had been better friends I would but they have been such rubbish friends that I wouldn;t move back for them now!

Do you think maybe they were hurt by your move away? Perhaps they felt that you were abandoning them? Moving on?

I'm not in any way condoning their behaviour but just trying to understand why they would behave so unkindly, especially when you thought them to be good pals. It's strange they act so thoughtlessly now. No wonder you're upset. You sound like a really great friend to have.

Maybe it's time for you to concentrate on your new life in your new town. Immerse yourself there, get involved as much as you can. I sound like I'm talking to a child - sorry to sound patronising! - but you will make new friends if you allow it to happen.

some people dont like change. ive had the same thing happen to be. i moved 75 miles away ( so a bit further than you) noone would come and visit, and it was me doing all the running, while getting critised by them for moving.
i know its hard, but let them go and make some new friends.

Thanks guys.

I have made a few new friends and will endeavour to make more especially now I know there is another mumsnetter in my village!

I think some of it may be jealousy and some of it may be the fact that I make no bones about the reason for the move being a better life away from the crime etc for the kids.

I suppose I was just hurt that their commitment to our friendship was nowhere as big as mine and had obviously thought I meant more to them than I did!

I moved from the south of england, to the north of scotland,and although I dont expect my friends to visit as much as I go down, I am constantly amazed at their anger for me leaving, and when I broached the subject of moving back it was made clear I would be messing up the group dynamics by doing that. Its been 3 years now and I still miss the South east but this is now my home. Maybe harder for you cos you have the option of visiting. If I had moved only 50 miles I would have been back every other weekend.

Twinkie, I see how you feel.

However, could it be that because you made it clear you were moving 'for a better life away from your children, away from crime' is making them feel they are not doing the right thing?

A friend of mine recently moved out of my road, and kept telling everyone that she moved because 'the traffic in Road X is madness, it is not safe, it is not a road to live in if you have children'
It made me feel like I was not doing the best for my children by staying here, and I resented her for that.
(and it was complete rubbish, apart from during school drop off and pick ups there is hardly any traffic in this street at all)

I think they sound hurt, perhaps they feel you are on to better things whereas they are not able to.
That does not condone their behaviour, but perhaps it is painful for them.

If you want to keep their friendship, write to them, tell them how hurt you feel.
If not, concentrate on your new life and friends

Hi Twinkie - I'm dealing with something similar and I think to myself am I in the wrong for feeling hurt?

I moved to Surrey 1 1/2 years ago and one particular friend has not been to visit, that in itself doesn't bother me (well a little bit), it's just that I had a baby girl in April and she still hasn't visited!

She has two DCs and is a sahm and always told me that when I have children I would understand that there are never enough hours in the day.

I've lost count the number of times I've been there - even looking after the kids while she has been in hospital or they've gone away for the weekend.

We actually had a date planned but she cancelled, so I thought okay I'll make it easier for her, she wanted to see my little one so I gave in and went to visit her.

Since then she has come out with excuse after excuse and the one that slipped out was that her husband didn't want the children in the car for that length of journey, but hey it was okay for me to take a baby!

I totally understand that weekends are precious and it's family time but I'm cheesed off now and really cannot be bothered with her anymore.

I have a friend who lives in Cheshire, has two children, works full time and is arranging her third visit.

Perhaps it's time to take the hint that perhaps she no longer wants to be a friend.

So Twinkie just wanted to empathise with you really - it just comes down to the fact that they cannot be bothered!