Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feeling like my mum puts me last

6 replies

Givemethechocolate · 09/03/2021 10:32

Bit of a long story that has a backstory to it as well. So to sum up the relationship between me and my parents. All seemed fine growing up but now I've had extensive counselling come to realise my parents were physically and mentally abusive to me and Dsis. They were also abusive to each other which I and my Dsis witnessed and saw.
Generally, we have been 'close' in the sense that my M liked to have us close and made us feel guilty of bad when we led our own lives.

So I have a big milestone birthday coming up and M said she would be giving me X amount of money for it. It was a larger than usual sum. I didn't ask for this but was very grateful as that money would help so much as I'm a single parent to one child. A few weeks ago M turned around and said actually sorry but I can only afford to give you half of X amount now. I was a little disheartened but said yes sure I understand.

Now, this is where I feel annoyed not in the sense of the money but in the principle that I feel I do not matter. She told me she had no money, then she tells me they are saving for cosmetic surgery for my D to have abroad. Then yesterday she tells me she has 7k worth of savings and that my dad has now withdrawn over 20K from his business as a treat to himself and they are having a house extension.
So to me, I feel like I've been disregarded for my big birthday as she told me she had no money when in actual fact that is not the case.
I spoke to my partner about this and she completely got where I was coming from that it was not about the money and it was the principle of not feeling important to my parents.
Am I being silly? And yes I know it's their money to do as they wish but to give a gesture and then retract it for reasons that are not true has hurt.

OP posts:
StephenBelafonte · 09/03/2021 10:39

How much money are they giving you? I usually get a card and a £10 bunch of flowers for my birthday from my mum so i'm quite curious as to what other people get.

Laserbird16 · 09/03/2021 10:46

You're not being silly. Your mother is being awful.

It's one thing to overcommit to a gift and have to sheepishly withdraw the offer, to then flaunt all these 'treats' to you is rude.

Yes, it's their money but it probably stings more as you started thinking about how you could spend it especially if things are tight. Cosmetic surgeries and extensions aren't urgent spending so of course it makes you feel like you are not valued.

Really more fool them. This behaviour is a green light to put them last too. I wouldn't be putting myself out for them.

Have a lovely birthday...with people who do treat you well

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/03/2021 10:47

No you are not being silly in the slightest. That sum of money was never going to be given and was likely a further attempt to control you and or make you feel obligated to them. Money and gifts can be used by abusive people to further control their victim.

Your parents were abusive to you when you were growing up and they have not changed. Consider also what your boundaries are like in respect of your parents; these may well need further revision or raising. Do you still want them in your life anyway given their abuses of you and your sister?.

Have a look at the current "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages. It may also be a good idea for you to contact NAPAC napac.org.uk/ if you have not already spoken with them.

Easterbunnygettingready · 09/03/2021 10:50

I get it op... My dps divorced when I was a baby. Had a half arsed relationship with df... His choice. For my 21st dm suggested they went halves on hifi system.. Few weeks before df said he couldn't afford it.. He had had 21 years to save!! Told me exactly how little he thought of me it did.

Givemethechocolate · 09/03/2021 11:11

@StephenBelafonte It was 500 she had told me. Which to me is a lot of money, to them not so much given there lavish lifestyle and savings.
This has been more than halved to 200 which is still amazing to me but as I state its not the value of money but the principle behind it and the showing off of things she is now buying when she has stated she can't afford to give me the gift she originally told me.

thank you @Laserbird16

hi @AttilaTheMeerkat I have been on the stately home boards for a few years now. I've had a lot of counselling and have actually strengthened my boundaries a lot compared to what they used to be. I also have stepped back a lot and no longer share a lot of things in my life as I know what my parents are like.

Thanks @Easterbunnygettingready its rubbish isn't it

OP posts:
PaterPower · 09/03/2021 14:53

Yeah, I think they’re being a bit shit here given what you’ve said about their savings etc.

Another £300 isn’t going to break the bank for them, but would clearly make a difference to you. And it makes it worse that they floated the original amount to you.

I’ve given bigger amounts as gifts to my Step DC (for rental deposits I don’t ever expect to get back) and I certainly don’t have 7k of savings, or 20k to take from a business.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page