How long do I wait?

[WhiteChocMocha]

This is more to get this off my chest because I know the answers, but here goes...

A close friend of mine who I see regularly through work is now suddenly divorced, a single dad, primary aged DS. There was always an attraction but we always behaved ourselves, he adored his ex and never in a million years did I imagine them divorcing.

Over the last year we've gradually become more than close friends. We text or call every morning and evening, keep each other updated on the minutiae of our daily lives, he comes and sits in my office for hours sometimes. We video chat and tell each other the things we love and admire about one another. The way he looks at me sometimes... It gives me goosebumps as I can feel how much he wants me.

Now to the tricky part... He won't go out with me?!

There's obviously COVID. There's post-divorce confidence, and body confidence. He has a lot to process after his relationship breakdown. He doesn't want to have a rebound or fill a wife-shaped gap in his life. He has childcare. He says he wants to do things right with me and give me what I deserve. He worries he'll disappoint me. I imagine he's also worried about what people that know us would think if they saw us together. These aren't excuses that he gives, but more like anxieties he has expressed over time. We're pretty honest and open with each other.

I get all that. And my friend says he probably has a 'why rock the boat' mentality where the current situation suits him, and he is concerned that if we started dating properly and seeing each other, I could go off him.

For context, I am not unattractive, and he thinks I'm out of his league. But I adore him and just want to be able to see him in person, touch him, sleep with him like normal people. Not on first date but some steps in that direction would be nice

Understand it's a big step to open yourself up to someone new and risk getting hurt again after a soul-destroying breakup, especially if it's not just sex but feelings involved as well.

I'm not sitting around and waiting for him, I've got lots going on. But I really like him and it does get frustrating.

Will he ever be ready? Ladies, how hard was it for you to overcome all these thoughts and properly see someone new after relationship breakdown?

So what is he wanting from you then, are you having sex? Sorry for the nosey question but there has to be a reason he wants to call and see you a lot if it's not a relationship he wants then maybe he wants to use you.
Tell him you not waiting around him to decide if he wants you enough, he's putting you on a pedestal to your face but his actions aren't matching up.
I would start being more unavailable to him.

Do you know why they split, and who instigated it?

Sorry to be harsh but some people just like the ego boost and attention.

You’re fulfilling a large chunk of his needs and he doesn’t have to commit any more to get that 🤷‍♀️

He’s happy with the current situation and unfortunately he may have no intention of ever going further. He’ll just keep being vague and enjoying the chats and ego massage

This He worries he'll disappoint me spring out to me.
This is classic bloke not that into you covering his back so when he does let you down or back tracks he has a get out clause.
Sorry to say but your post read like a classic he's just not that into me.
He wants an ego boost and he probably would have fun but I am telling you he will never ever want a relationship with you.
You need to look for a man who is willing to be your equal and not caveat his conversations with I worry I'll let you down etc

@seensome No, but I would like to! I’m broadly happy with how things are, but really wondering if it will ever progress.

I think these responses are pretty spot-on. It sounds like we have a case of a guy using me to fulfil his emotional needs. Meanwhile I’d like him to fulfil my sexual ones. Interesting.

Not written him off as he is very clearly very broken up by the break-up. It’s still fresh and it is never easy. You can’t expect a person to lose someone they really loved and get with someone new just a few months later. But I can also see how the current situation suits him.

And he may well be not that into me @Kiehl, that’s the presumption I started off with. But it’s becoming harder for me to buy into with the amount of time he’s investing into this. Clearly my emotional needs are being met if I’m still into this.

Ok I'm missing something. How is he invested in you? What has he done to make you feel he is invested? Sounds like all he has done is cause frustration.

Also this he is concerned that if we started dating properly and seeing each other, I could go off him this is just not how men operate.

Why are you waiting for someone who isn't interested?

Going google eyed and having chats in between work stuff isn't investing in you.