Sexual abuse as a child

[cactuslover1992]

I have name changed for this because I don't want anyone to figure out who I am . I am in my late 20s and for years have suffered awful anxiety . I self harmed as a teenager and developed an eating disorder. Also when I was with my 1st boyfriend used to think sex was love so him not wanting to have sex with me would make me feel like he didn't love me . I think I was sexually abused as a child and I'm wondering if there is a way to find out if I was ? It has been on my mind on and off for so many years and I knew even when I was little that something was wrong with me . My mother used to leave me with people for her to go out all the time . One man used to give me the creeps as a teenager and I just couldn't put my finger on it . One day a few years back my father said that man sexually abused me when I was little . Said my mother knew all about it and he even went to court and nearly got sent down for sexually abusing a baby . I asked my mother and it was her tone of voice which made me think she was hiding something but totally denied it and said there were rumours but it was about another child ! Really 😳. I am seeing a therapist but I just don't know how to bring this up . Have I just totally imagined it ? I have been reading the symptoms in children and adults who have been sexually abused and I have so many of them . I knew so much about sex even at around 4 . There are so many other things that I used to do and how damaged I am now with relationships , self esteem everything really . Had anyone else had this feeling ? Thankyou all

Hi OP. I’m sorry to hear how tough this is for you.
I was sexually abused as a child.
I’d forgotten it until after I did therapy. We never talked (the therapist and I) directly about it because I point blank refused to consider it. It came back when I least expected it.
There were also witnesses but they downplayed it.
I now have very clear memories and it makes me wonder how I ever forgot!
It probably shaped my life but I didn’t know it.
Like you I self-harmed (I’m in my forties now and recently had to go for EMDR therapy for ptsd after another abuse situation two years ago), that seems to have stopped my desire to self-harm.
I also had an eating disorder as a woman in my twenties.
It’s possible you were abused.
It’s possible you witnessed abuse - which is abuse of course.
The only thing I can think to suggest is that you broach it with your therapist m. It took me 4 years to bring it up. You can go as slowly as you like.
It might help, but it’s hard to know as an outsider whether it’s likely or not because it’s dependent on the people involved.
Would it help for you to know for certain?

Sorry to add. Do you trust your dad?
It’s a big claim for him to make.
Could you ask him to speak to you about it?