How to get better after childhood emotional abuse/neglect?

[EmotionalIntelligenceHelp]

Hi everyone,

I'm writing to ask about your experiences with recovering and developing your emotional intelligence after a difficult upbringing. I've posted about my relationship with my DM previously and had some great advice about dealing with her behaviour at the time, and I'm also currently having counselling, which I've been doing for about the past 18 months. I'm now able to recognise DM's behaviour during my childhood and young adulthood for what it was, and I realise that she's not able to change - we were given no emotional support as children or teenagers and that entire part of our lives (the emotional 'nurture' part) was completely missing, because my DM wasn't able to cope with her children's feelings. Her own emotions are and always have been very very volatile.

I think that my question is - have you been able to develop your emotional intelligence since your childhood, if you were brought up in a similar way? If we ever expressed any difficult (but normal, I think) emotions - being sad, being upset, being frustrated about something - DM would absolutely rage at us and then give us the silent treatment. If you weren't able to safely express and acknowledge and explore your feelings, what impact has that had on you as an adult? How did you recover from something like that?

In my adulthood (I'm in my early 30s now), I still find it very very difficult to feel negative feelings. My relationships feel quite superficial, apart from with my DP, so I've somehow able to form a meaningful relationship with him, but I'm not able to do this in friendships. I struggle to connect with people in a 'real' sense - I know what I should say and do, e.g. be polite, but how do you actually form friendships? I also find it really difficult to stay connected with people from my past, e.g. from uni or from previous jobs, where maybe friendships might have formed if I'd been a bit more normal, self-aware or emotionally competent.

Counselling is helping, slowly, and I know that there's a lot that needs to be undone in terms of really fundamental 'programming' in my brain. I'm just wondering whether it is actually possible to get better and how any of you managed that.

I feel like a part of me is missing and I'm also really worried about parenting in the future. I would love to have a child, but I worry so much about damaging it in the same way that happened to me.

Sorry for the really rambling post - I think it's the fact that Mother's Day is looming that has set me off again.

Hopeful bump, in case anyone has been through something similar

Giant hugs 💐♥️

I’m mid 30’s too and I’ve found that my childhood made me an excellent empath for others. I can read other people well and know how to validate them and offer the advice they need.
It’s like I see myself the neglected child with unmet needs in everyone else and try to give them what I wish I had been given.

I’m terms of my own emotions and needs. You’re right, despite a lot of therapy I don’t know how to name my own emotions or voice my needs. I’m still stuck in a pattern of over offering and pleasing others in the hope they will return the energy as that’s just natural justice to me 😅 (spoiler: much disappointment)

I’ve just had babies of my own and I had your same fears. Really they’re the fears of every neglected and abused child: “if I came from them, I must be like them.”

You aren’t like them and you won’t harm your children by accident ❤️ You will work hard to give them everything you didn’t have and it will be ok

My top tip is to research attachment parenting to help both yourself and your future children.

I’m sorry you’re on this road too. It’s crap! 💐

Hi @FlashesOfRage, thank you so much for your reply. I actually felt a bit emotional at your giant hugs! Really appreciate your kindness.

Like you, I think I can definitely 'sense' that neglected child in others and I'm able to respond to that - it comes up quite a lot in my current line of work and it's something that I'm quite aware of in interacting with others. I think that I think (overthink!) a huge amount about interacting with others full-stop!

I'm really glad to read that you've found happiness and have your own babies. Can I ask whether you're still in contact with your own parents? I feel like this makes it harder in some way - I'm trying to heal, but contact with my DM seems to open up all of the wounds again constantly, yet NC seems so big that I can't bring myself to do that.

I'll definitely look into attachment parenting. Thank you so much for your response

No problem at all! Couldn’t leave you hanging ❤️

It’s a weird one. Basically I moved a plane ride away from my whole family aged 21, 14 years ago.
I generally go back there once per year but covid stopped that and now I have twins I certainly won’t be travelling unless I have to!

My mum has made it easy for me in a way. She lives in her own world and doesn’t even think to contact any of us 👍 If I didn’t call her it might be a year before she noticed... I usually end up calling once every six months when I feel guilty and the conversation is always the same. She tells me about her life and I parent her and make her feel happy. She readily thanks me for “being like the mum I wished I had” 😬 She can’t be any different so I try to take pleasure in being such an awesome person that I can validate her in a way she has never done for me.

My dad is slightly better and has mellowed with age (was a scary 1950’s dad who never showed emotions or pride and everything was shameful). He contacts me maybe every three months or less if I’ve been quiet.

So how do I deal with them? I suppose minimal contact makes it easier to control the experience and try to use my energy to make it seem pleasant in small doses 😂 I treat them like they are friends or perhaps more distant relatives.

The rest of the time my parents live in a box in my head that I don’t open. It’s like when I moved I just left them behind and became who I wanted to be ❤️

I’m a teacher so I totally get what you mean about work! X

Thank you, Flashes, I really appreciate it!

The physical distance must help a lot. I totally get the 'minimal contact and small doses' thing as well, I've been taking that approach too.

Thanks again so much for responding hope that back-to-school has been OK for you!

There have been lots of things that have helped.

Pete Walker’s website on Complex PTSD was the first thing that made a big difference.

Looking into attachment styles also helped, as did looking into the effect of early life adversity on the enteric nervous system.

One of the biggest things was a mental shift.

This was as follows:

1. I stopped seeing myself as someone broken who needed to be fixed, but as someone who had to adapt in various ways to survive a bad situation.

1. That my body, mind and spirit had always been working to keep me safe and they had succeeded.

1. They had in fact succeeded so well that I was now in a situation where those survival modes and coping mechanisms weren’t appropriate anymore.

1. Years hose sides of me I had previously considers bad or broken were in fact my best friends who had stood by me in tough times and I would always be grateful to them, and that we would continue to be friends for the rest of my life.

1. As with all friendships the people involved would grow and evolve in their ongoing situations and the relationship would also grow and evolve in a similar way.

1. And that working with those sides of myself that had always protected me and been with was the way to go, rather than trying to fix them or suppress them. They had proven their loyalty and efficacy many times over.

A useful exercise in learning to extend my (well developed) compassion, empathy and ability to read the emotions and needs of others towards myself is this:

Imagine yourself as child, sitting in another seat int he same room as you. Look towards them and say out loud one thing that child needs right now. Then so that thing for yourself.

This starts to build a link between your internal and external perceptions. You have the skill set to understand and help yourself, as you already do it so much for others. You don’t need to build it from the ground up, you just need to connect that skill set to recognising yourself as a person as worthy of live and care as the other people I your life you live and care for.

It’s a good exercise to practise at fairly clam times and then when you start feeling an uncomfortable feeling or need or one you can’t identify easily, then you’ll be well versed in that exercise and be able to do it at that uncomfortable moment.

Hi op, have you read 'Running on Empty' by Jonice Webb? I highly recommend it for anyone suffering from childhood emotional neglect.

Thank you, both!

@WhiskyWhiskersdottir (love the Icelandic name ), thank you so much for the run-down of your mental shift - that's an amazing achievement that you've managed to change your thinking and how you relate to what's happened. I think it's really interesting when you say that we have these skills already, we just need to learn to use them towards ourselves as well. My therapist always asks what I'd say to a friend or a student going through the same thing and I have no issue with being compassionate towards (in this case, hypothetical) other people, but I struggle to have compassion for myself and I still have quite an unkind inner voice when I 'speak' to myself, IYSWIM? I need to do a lot of work on self-compassion, I think, so what you've said really resonates, thank you.

@Windmillwhirl, every time I've googled about this, Jonice Webb's book has popped up, but I've not yet read it! It's great to have a recommendation - I'll look into it again thank you

Thank you. I know exactly what you mean about the unkind inner voice.

Something that really helps me is making that inner voice my outer voice. Basically speaking things out loud. So

1. When I hear the unkind things out loud I often hear how ridiculous they are and also how shockingly unkind. And I realise I would never say them to someone else.

1. I also often hear in the tone and timbre of my voice whether I myself believe those unkind things or not in the essence and fibre of my being. Most often not. If there is a hollowness there, or a high pitch I know I don’t really feel it, it’s just an imposed mental pattern and that helps me erode it.

1. Saying unkind things out loud often releases buried emotion I had to suppress (through fear or concern for my own safety) when similar unkind things were said to me as a child. It gives me a chance to cry, or say now or argue back and defend myself in a way I never could as a child.

1. I also say kind and just normal things out loud to myself as a way of retraining that inner voice. Things like “thank you for keeping me safe”, “thank you for looking after me when no-one else would”, “you were so little and scared, you didn’t deserve to be treated like that”. Then I feel a real emotional connection to myself, the parts of me that protected me become less shy and feel warm in the glow of recognition and gratitude. It helps me trust myself more and not shy from myself as my expectation is that I will be unkind. I also hear the reality of those emotions in my voice (and my one of voice is starting to become a real compass for me), and I’m starting to be able to do that on an inner basis too.

1. When I feel an emotion or feeling I’m not sure of, or I don’t know what to do, I ask myself out loud “What is it it you need just now? It’s ok, you can tell me”. And then I do it. Building trust is mostly about doing what you say you will.

I really believe that when you are mistreated or neglected as a child you learn to turn your perceptions outside to other people, as a way of having an early warning system for trouble that might be coming your way. So all the skills are there, they are often really finely tuned, they just hinge on outer cues not inner ones.

And so for example speaking out loud helps you build parallel pathways and just gently expand the skill set.

So sometimes does looking at yourself in the mirror without putting the “face the world as if everything is dandy face” on.

You’ll read the visual cues in your facial expressions about how you are feeling in the same way as if you were looking at someone else. It often works best at the beginning if you just catch a glimpse in a window or reflection in a screen when you weren’t expecting to see yourself and haven’t composed your face. And then you can start to connect how you feel in that moment with what you see on your face.

The same is true for body language- I first learned that if I really liked and wanted something in a shop, I just stood by it and wouldn’t move or I’d pick it up and not put it down, rather than think “I want/need that”. But my learning to read my own cues, I’m now starting to realise what’s going on quicker.

Similarly, if I want to do something I easily get enough energy to do it. If I drag my heels it’s probably telling me I’m doing it out of fear or what I think other people’s expectations are.

And I’ll second the book recommendation by the way. Floods of tears of recognition first time I read it.

Daughter Detox by Peg Streep, she has a good facebook page too.
I'm seeing a very good psychodynamic therapist who is unearthing my sub conscious even though I've done alot of that with my Buddhism. It's needed because my mum emotionally abused me like yours but she also did some sexual stuff which gives me flashbacks
'I am enough' book by Marisa Peer is very good and one of my fave books.
I wish you the best xxx

I had a similar childhood, which has left me (& my siblings) with a lot of difficulties. Therapy has helped to an extent.

I also second the book recco re 'running on empty'

Hello

I had an unavailable mother and a father who could see my mother doing no wrong.

I’m in my 40s now and it still effects me but time, counselling and being reflective has helped. Also strangely having children helped me gain clarity for how I was treated and how I wanted to be as a mum. I think I have the opposite difficulties of caring too much and needing to not worry so much.

I do have some close friendships but I find it hard to rely on anyone even my husband. This is a work in progress. I am aware of it but find it hard to change it.

I know that I am not perfect as a mum or a person but I think the thing that gives me hope and encouragement is being honest with myself and reflecting on how I deal with situations. As I’ve said before it’s a work in progress.

I haven’t spoken to my mother in years and that’s helped a lot I speak to my dad sporadically but he’s not really involved in my life. It’s hard but on the whole I’m calmer and happier for it.

Attachment parenting as someone else suggested is a good thing to look up.

It sounds like you are very self aware and getting therapy which are all the right things. Good luck and best wishes to you.

Thank you so much for your replies - I'm really sorry that you've all been through similar experiences. I ordered the Running On Empty book yesterday evening and I'm looking forward to getting stuck into it, so thank you for all of your recommendations. I'll definitely look into the Daughter Detox too.

@ilovepuggies I can totally empathise with what you say about being a 'work in progress' - I hope that having awareness of the situation and the ability to reflect on why we are as we are and why we react in the ways that we do will help us to heal in the long run

@Whatflavourjellybabyisnice I'm so sorry that happened to you. My mum also had weird boundaries about sex and sexual things, which I don't think amounted to sexual abuse, but it was weird all the same and has left me feeling uncomfortable about intimacy sometimes. I get intrusive thoughts about her harming me, which I've not actually told anyone before (even my DP or my therapist, yet). It disgusts me and terrifies me, and I can't work out if I'm repressing something she actually did to me as a child, or if it's just the total lack of boundaries we had.

We had no privacy as children or teenagers, had to keep bedroom/bathroom doors open (even when I was in the bath, not allowed to close the door), and I think that that has a real impact on how you develop as a person. It seems so small compared to what other people have gone through, but it's one of the things that really affected me, I think.

to you all