People with trust issues

[NewLove2021]

Hi all, just wanting to hear from people who have previously had trust issues due to past relationships.
I split with my ex 2 years ago, we were together 10 years, he did a lot of cheating and talking to other women behind my back, was very sneaky with his phone etc.
I’ve now met an amazing new guy, he is so lovely and genuine and we’re very in love but I just can’t seem to let go of my trust issues.
He knows what I’ve been through in the past and says he will do anything he can to make me feel at ease and to build trust but I just feel like I will never 100% trust anyone. I’m so scared of thinking everything is amazing when in reality what if he is messaging other women behind my back? It’s making me want to end the relationship even though we’re so happy.
Ive not voiced to him because I don’t want him to think I’m crazy.
Has anyone been through similar and learned to trust again?

Unfortunately being with someone gives them the power to hurt and betray you. You kinda have to accept that not everything will work out always, and you can't control the outcome. It's a leap and you don't know where you will fall.

You need to sit with your anxieties and tell them something like - "yes, I'm taking a chance of being hurt and being mugged off again, that this guy isn't going to be faithful and the relationship will fail, but he hasn't shown any signs of doing that yet, and he isn't my ex. And even if he does turn out to be a rotter, you know what - it won't kill me, I will recover and even love again."

You could look into therapy or counselling. Cbt might help if you have particular" hot button" thoughts.

I think it's really important you don't push it onto your boyfriend too much, but make it your stuff to deal with. You need to self-soothe as much as possible.

Obviously if there are indicators he's untrustworthy, you should not blind yourself to them, but that's the fine line you need to negotiate.

You don't need to trust anyone 100%

But you don't need to make it their problem. You don't have to trust, but you can curb your suspicions if you have them.

I think there's a certain amount of trust that is freely given- the rest is earned.

I was cheated on by my ex husband, and the relationship after that. I have tried therapy and at that point I was told my now fiance is paying the price for these 2 men. I have apparently become hyper vigilant and I am therefore constantly scanning the relationship for clues to prove 'he's just like the others'. I also run with the slightest hint of anything that could be suspicious and build it up until it fits that narrative. It's exhausting and very damaging. I don't have much advice really as treatment is ongoing, but I do understand what you're going through. Perhaps some professional help would be the way to go? I don't say that lightly, I nearly lost my relationship due to my Obsessional thinking, luckily he stuck around as I had arranged to get some help.

Hey :)

I'm pretty much the queen of trust issues! Or I was, at least.

My last relationship - which I was trapped in for 7 years - was physically and emotionally abusive.

I was made to feel that I wasn't good enough, that everything that went wrong was due to my mistakes, and that I didn't deserve love.

He cheated on me constantly and blamed me for it. He would sit texting other women and actually ended up having a baby with one (I worry for her, actually). When it was time for bed he would demand sex and if I said no he forced me into it.

I was always on eggshells and scared of doing or saying something wrong, as I could never tell exactly what kind of mood he was in.

And yes, of course this made my next relationship difficult.

I was always too eager to please and apologetic if I did something wrong (no matter how small) which he found annoying sometimes. I also got really worked up if he was texting another woman, however innocent it was, due to what had happened in the past. He has a lot of female friends, just as I have a lot of male friends, so this was a big problem.

Over time however things have got better. He did say to me once that if I didn't get help we would end up breaking up. He said he loved me but the way I was was killing us. And he was right.

I am now on antidepressants and looking into getting counselling, and things are honestly a lot, lot better.

We've been together almost 4 years, and what I find helps is being open and honest with him about why I react a certain way about things sometimes.

He often finds the truth hard to listen to, but will always listen and let me talk.

And over time, slowly but surely, I am learning to trust again, and learning to love healthily.

Thank you all for sharing your stories.
I have actually thought about counselling and I am definitely going to look into this more this week.
I need to find the line as I don’t understand what I should and shouldn’t be on alert about as atm I’m on alert constantly, always looking for holes in stories and this is all just in my head I don’t voice it to him, it’s driving me insane and is making me so unhappy.
I feel like if I say what I’m really thinking it will make him think differently about me.

I have recently left my partner of 6 years as he was cheating. I feel like I'm never going to trust anyone again ever! I'm hoping in time I will meet someone and realise they aren't all the same. I don't really have any advice for you I'm afraid but I hope you can get through this. Maybe talking to him would help. He seems understanding from what you have said and you say you feel like ending the relationship so I guess you have to think what do you have to lose? It makes me so cross that people think it's ok to treat loved ones this way.

I was cheated on my my exh.

However, I wouldn't have opened myself up for a new relationship if I couldn't separate them form my exh. people cheat...sometimes there are red flags, other times it's a complete surprise but worrying and mistrusting for no reason isn't going to make it any less likely to happen again.

What I have learned is that if it does happen again, I am strong and I can deal with it. No one can ever hurt me as much as my exh did by having an affair and ending our marriage.

I could have written this. In fact , I posted the other day about it him and being afraid to trust again etc.
I too feel worried that I will
Sabotage my relationship. What I did recently was tell him that despite my ex doing me a massive favour ultimately , my trust and faith were broken but that I am trusting until
There is a reason not to trust. I have stalked his social media, over reacted so much tomsmall stuff but I have good friends who keep me
In check when I feel
Like I am catastrophising. They told me
To ring them first before I ring him to get perspective . Sadly I don't trust myself at times and don't know what's acceptable . It's draining and awful but he seems worth it . He understands where I am coming from and I've asked him to be patient . Everyone has a limit though.
It's a good idea too to say to ourselves ... if this ends, I've come through worse and I will be ok . I'm strong and able but mostly , I give him the benefit of the doubt as the issues are all mine .

How long have you been seeing the new guy?

I was vulnerable when I got with my 2nd husband.
He also said he would do anything for me to be at ease and trust him and he did...until he didn't.

He ended up hurting and betraying me the worst in my life.
I will never trust anyone 100% again.

That's cruel @RantyAnty . I'm sorry to read that

I’ve been seeing him a few months so it’s very new, we’ve recently said the L word and making plans for holidays next year etc. He says he wants a future with me and I want that too but I am just constantly thinking the worst. I also have this obsession that he’s going to leave me, that I’m not good enough, I overanalyse text messages and if he is in contact less (usually becuse he’s busy at work) I have anxiety all day that it means he’s going off me, it’s absolutley exhausting and I’m always on edge. I’m not sure if it’s relationship anxiety, I don’t know.
Sorry to hear you’ve all been hurt too, love sucks sometimes.

Do you feel you can speak to him about your worries? Make sure he knows it's not because he's done something but rather you're just scared he would?

I told my husband when we were first seeing each other that it made me anxious if he didn't message for a while because I was worried I'd upset him. He started messaging me saying what he'd be up to during the day and let me know if he'd be away from his phone for an extended period.

He also picked up on my worries of not being good enough for him and started to praise me more. Even small comments like thanking me for doing something thoughtful for him or telling me out of the blue why he appreciates me has been so reassuring.

Just talk to him and let him know you want to trust him but you're holding yourself back from it. He'll want to help you.