Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Has he just shown his true colours? Or AIBU?

18 replies

NotAgainNoMore · 09/03/2021 01:06

I've started threads and posted on threads about this so apologies if I'm repeating myself.
Finished with my DP of 18mths (not living together) just over 2 wks ago, as I found messages to his ex. There were other problems before that, made worse by lockdown. So, for me, it was a clear cut decision.
Went NC but he had tons of stuff here he needed to collect, so we started communicating again. I've repeatedly asked him about the messages but don't feel like I'm getting the full truth. He's apologised, admits it was wrong and agreed he'd feel the same if I'd have done it.
BUT, he wont admit he had any desire other than to just reconnect as friends. He said it was because we were having problems that he needed someone to talk to and he didn't have anyone else. However, in the messages that I saw he said that he wasn't seeing me anymore, again (implying that they'd had previous convos about me/us) that he missed talking to her and flaky arrangements to meet up. There were love heart emoji's and x's at the end of every msg. There was nothing from her that indicated anything more. Seemed one sided from him. He said he was just lonely and wanted friendship, yep, while still with me!
I'm like a dog with a bone and won't let it go. He's trying to convince me I'm the love of his life and we can work on the other problems.
Tonight, I tried to get to the bottom of it. Started off all reasonable but when pressed he said he's sick to death of going over it. When I eventually suggested we couldn't even be friends, he asked me for money back on an item we brought together! He didn't know that was his parting shot but ffs, how shit is that??
I don't trust him and I don't see how he can earn my trust, like he suggested. No, they didn't have an affair so am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

NCISGibbs · 09/03/2021 01:10

Hi asking for the items money back is pretty shit and a low blow tbh. He did wrong messaging he even if it was an emotional connection he was seeking and not physical cheating. Yanbu imo

Wiredforsound · 09/03/2021 01:10

You’ve split up. It doesn’t matter now. You know you don’t trust him so why would you let him back into your life? He sounds like a slimeball anyway.

NovemberR · 09/03/2021 01:11

Give him his stuff back and move on.

This relationship is dead. Whether he gets back with her or not.

FortunesFave · 09/03/2021 01:14

Went NC but he had tons of stuff here he needed to collect, so we started communicating again. I've repeatedly asked him about the messages

So you say you went no contact but then because he had stuff at yours, you've begun communicating with him again?

That would only need one or two messages to arrange. The fact that you admit "You're like a dog with a bone" shows you're being a bit silly here.

He has shown you who he is and you're wasting time and energy trying to get to the bottom of something that's plain and clear for all to see!

There's no bottom to get to!

in the messages that I saw he said that he wasn't seeing me anymore, again (implying that they'd had previous convos about me/us) that he missed talking to her and flaky arrangements to meet up. There were love heart emoji's and x's at the end of every msg.

He's a liar and an arse. Why bother? Just give him his stuff back and block him. Leave it on his doorstep.

Original poster

NotAgainNoMore · 09/03/2021 01:23

We dated briefly for a few weeks before. He then ghosted/blocked me. No warning. I saw him on OLD about 6mths later and sent a msg calling him out on it. Turns out he'd gone back to same ex but it didn't work out. We started seeing each other again. I know, my bad, but I wasn't emotionally involved before. We've had discussions about msg ex's right from the start. When we decided to get serious, we agreed that we'd stop contact with ex's. I've caught him msg a couple of other times before this recent issue but didn't actually see the msgs. He said it was about work connections blah blah blah.
Part of me believes he wanted a female friend's perspective on life but another thinks not, he wanted to try and rekindle and would have happily binned me if she'd given him the green light.

OP posts:

Snowball70 · 09/03/2021 01:26

let him go 🌺

Maggie900 · 09/03/2021 02:12

He is not over the end of their relationship.

I think when you were having trouble he was testing the water with his ex to see if he could go back but after realising he wasn’t getting much back decided to stay put and profess his love.

At the very least she is his comfortable back up.

It does sound a little pathetic and childish if I’m honest.

Amdone123 · 09/03/2021 02:17

There is no point try to get to the bottom of it. All you're doing is prolonging the agony. Draw a line under it and let him go.

Amdone123 · 09/03/2021 02:18

No point trying that should say ! Do not Try to get to the bottom of it !!

whatwherewhywhenhow · 09/03/2021 02:22

Give his stuff back, cut him off and move on. You don’t need this.

RantyAnty · 09/03/2021 05:41

The messages. The fuckery. None of it matters now.

He'll never tell you the truth anyway.

Trust that he sucks.

Has he gotten all of his things from your place yet?
If not, bag the crap up and drop it off at his. Delete and block.

category12 · 09/03/2021 06:32

Trust that he sucks

Yes, this.

You can't trust him, you don't trust him. There's millions of blokes out there who haven't already shown you what assholes and untrustworthy gits they are, go explore some of them, instead of flogging a dead horse with this specimen that you already know is a bunch of pants.

AmelieTaylor · 09/03/2021 06:43

He's a liar. He said he just wanted to be friends with her (yeah - with all the hearts & kisses I'm sure that what he wanted). Then he got back with her...🙄 just because she's had the sense to dump him (again) he's sniffing around you.

Do you want the thing you bought together? If not, tell him he can have it when he pays you out of your half or he can STFU about it

Do not get back with him. He's already shown you he cannot be trusted. He will NIT change. He'll lie & cheat until he moves on, breaking your heart again.

Stay strong, stay away from him.

Your future self will thank you!

Original poster

NotAgainNoMore · 09/03/2021 08:58

Thanks everyone. Woke up this morning feeling really down. I feel like I was always 2nd best now.
I really want to get back on my feet. I want to get over him and stop obsessing about his intentions with her. I know enough, right?

OP posts:

PaterPower · 09/03/2021 09:06

Anyone who’s been through a break up, particularly if there’s been the suspicion, or even clear proof, of cheating has done this. It’s natural to be pissed off and want answers. But you won’t get them.

Fireflygal · 09/03/2021 09:10

Yes, you know enough but he has made you feel responsible for his behaviour. Don't have doubts. He is not trust worthy and those messages are a deal breaker.

Adding the issue of money is just unpleasant, said to punish you. If he genuinely has paid out for something that he will no longer use then you may need to give him back the money. It was just unpleasant to mention it in a break up conversation, especially if he knows you may struggle financially.

MacbookHoHoHo · 09/03/2021 09:12

I want to get over him and stop obsessing about his intentions with her. I know enough, right?

Yes, you know enough. I’ve felt that urge to want to know EVERYTHING, but we rarely do ever find out everything. You’re dealing with a known liar, so you’ll have to accept your own theories about this situation. He’s never going to confess anything that makes him look like a twat.

The reasons you had for finishing this ARE good enough. They’re valid. Anyone with healthy self-esteem would have dumped this chancer, so you’ve done the right thing.

Leave his stuff on your front lawn, tell him, block ALL contact, and then you’ll start to heal.

OhCaptain · 09/03/2021 09:14

He was making minimal effort to “win you back” because he thinks you’re weak and a handy shag.

Unfortunately some of behaviour up to now has helped give that impression.

If that’s not who you want to be then it’s within your power to change that. But you have to have enough self-respect to actually do it...

Flip