Does boyfriend want to get back with his ex?

[Toffeepieandcream]

I've name changed. I want opinions on whether I'm being unreasonable or even stupid. My boyfriend and I have beeñ together for seven months and are generally very happy. We say we love each other, get on well and our children mostly get on well too (mine is 15, his is 14). There is only one problem, it's his ex partner.

They were together for four years and he loved her very much and I know he found her very attractive. They are still 'friends' but she was dating someone until recently so it was just a text sometimes. They are now talking in the phone sometimes which I'm ok with. Trouble is it can be for three or 4 hours at a time, late into thr night.She texts him quite a lot but he says it's just friendship.

He seems very happy with me and tells me that he did feel tempted to get back with her a couple of months ago, when she broke up with her boyfriend (which I'm upset about) but now he says he definitely isn't interested in her and loves me, wants to be with me and can see a happy future for us. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable but I just don't understand why he has to have long phonecalls with her. I trust him and don't think he'd be unfaithful to me. I think she being flirty and is a pain in the arse, really seeking his attention by texting a lot.

He has said they might meet up for a coffee or something soon, but I just feel a bit paranoid about why he wants to. Am I being ott? I love him very much and we are happy but should I be worried?

Op do you want different answers with your new post?! Don't think that will happen.

They say all sorts of things to keep their parsnips buttered. Actions need to match the sweet words that you want to hear.

He's basically just been testing the water, she's probably not that interested, but she is probably very comfortable with him on a platonic level.

He probably does love you, but I imagine is confused by his feelings for his ex. The length of these calls and so forth will not be helping those feelings and neither will meeting up.

He needs to have a think about where appropriate boundaries lie and adhere to them.

In short he's both testing the water and hedging his bets, not some of this may be through naïve or confused thinking. You need to ask him to step back and assess the situation and make a choice accordingly. If as you say he is a lovely man then he should see that he is behaving in a way that is not fair to his current partner.

If he continues at the same or increased level, then you should place an ultimatum an be prepared to bin him.

I think it's pretty inappropriate for him to be having three hour phone calls with an ex partner. I would tell him as much.

I can guarantee that he wouldn't be sitting around okay with you doing and saying everything he is! He would have left no doubt as soon as you had revealed you had thought about leaving for your ex! Nevermind all the long phone calls and constant texts!

He is quite clearly not over her at all.

I know that it is so difficult and not what you want to hear at all but you should be ending things.

You are showing that you're perfectly happy to be sitting in the background waiting. Also being treated terribly and beyond disrespectfully.

No decent and genuine "nice" person would treat someone like that particularly someone they were meant to deeply care for.

He is very hung on his ex and is more than likely going to go back at some point. The longer this drags out the more self respect you lose and confidence. I would be ending it while you still have any left intact. You should never be a second choice or a back up plan or someone just in case til the ex takes him back.

You will be glad you're rid of all this as certainly should not be like this this early in as should still be honeymoon period not him all over the ex.

With your new update it’s even clearer. He is lying when he is saying he does not want to be with her, it’s much more likely she does not want to get back with him and as he enjoys your company, for the time being he will stay with you. With lockdown nearly over and summer soon maybe it’s the right time for you to break up with him, he was quite happy to break up with you a few months ago and I doubt much has changed. Also, you don’t trust him anymore-that alone should be enough reason for you to dump him.

He needs to cut all contact with her, and he needs to do it willingly because that’s the bare minimum you need to consider sticking around.

She doesn't want him is more the problem for him, because he wants her. She is using him as a shoulder to cry on/ego boost, but she will quickly disappear when the new man comes along.

I'd be telling him that, tell him she is likely laughing at him behind his back, then dump him. He doesn't deserve you and shouldn't be talking to an ex for that length of time at all.

Thanks for messages everyone. They are hard to read but in a strange way, it's reassuring to realise I'm not being OTT about feeling uneasy and fed up! Just to clarify, he said he was tempted to get back with her but that he chose to stay with me as realised he loved me. I know it doesn't sound great but he has toned down the phonecalls and attention he's paying her, I think she's the one doing the chasing now though he definitely was before being too keen to be 'friends'. Anyway I will have a think following your messages. Thanks you