How to support partner through depression

[Spinachsarah]

My partner is really pushing me away, he is going through quite a lot health wise and I just don’t know what to do for the best. If I’m there for him I’m crowding him and it’s not right, if I back off and say here if you need me he feels rejected. Then he keeps pushing me away, acting like he doesn’t care about me but I feel like he’s doing this to everyone right now. How do I handle this.

Sorry you are having such a hard time.

A few more details would be helpful.
How long have you been together?
Does he have health issues which have led to the depression?
How bad are the health issues, life limiting?
Are there kids involved?

There is only so much support you can offer yourself. Has he accessed any outside professional help?

No real advice but wanted to offer .

My partner has depression and it's tough. Agree with the poster above. There's only so much you can do. I spent a decade trying to be as supportive as possible in every possible way. Nothing ever worked and I ended up physically and emotionally exhausted and resentful. We have kids and other issues which makes separating complicated.

For us, only thing that made a difference is that my DH finally agreed to seek professional help (as he knew I had reached my limit and it was either ask for help or we separate). Until then, he spent years refusing to seek outside help and refusing to recognise or address the causes of his depression. GP diagnosed him as having clinical depression and anxiety. He was put on antidepressants and he also started seeing a therapist to deal with the underlying causes.

What I've learnt from my experience is that if your DH does have depression, the best thing he can do is seek professional help. There needs to be a desire and motivation to get better too.

Hi thanks for the kind replies. We are late 30s. Yes he is dealing with cancer. I feel like I can’t do anything right. I say that I’m there for him and that seems to be the wrong thing, I try to show it and that too but if I back off that’s wrong too. I understand it must cause a lot of complicated feelings but I don’t know what to do for the best. I love him and don’t want to add to any pain or mental anguish.

So sorry to hear that. I can't imagine how difficult this must be for both of you. Are you able to ask the GP or hospital for advice/support? They might also be able to suggest cancer support charities that can offer useful advice too.

He gets very defensive when I mention stuff like that. I can feel my mental health going a bit what with covid etc and I’m trying to not take anything personally but I just wish I knew the best way to support him.

Can anyone that’s suffered depression give me any insight is it normal to be quite cold and cruel when pushing someone away?

May I suggest you look after yourself and your own needs most and foremost? My logic is this: if there is a good diet, exercise, entertainment, socialising (within the limits of what we can actually do):

1. He sees he doesn’t have to worry about you
2. You’re not pouring from an empty cup
3. Some of it might actually rub on him

@Spinachsarah

Can anyone that’s suffered depression give me any insight is it normal to be quite cold and cruel when pushing someone away?

Yes, I think it’s part and parcel but I don’t think it should be tolerated.

Thanks so much Buddha that makes sense.

My DH has depression on and off for years. Sought help from time to time but didn’t take meds etc etc. I brought up our sons virtually single handed for years.

I had counselling a couple of times to help me cope and that was essential for my own MH.

Our GP was great too and put a note on his records based on what I was experiencing.

What finally worked for me was telling his family. I never wanted to breach his confidentiality but it turned out to be the best thing ever. They gave him and me lots of support and it was a wake up call for him.

He has been well for over a decade now. Even during COVID.
So I would say open up to other people.

@NotAgainNoMore

Sorry you are having such a hard time.

A few more details would be helpful.
How long have you been together?
Does he have health issues which have led to the depression?
How bad are the health issues, life limiting?
Are there kids involved?

There is only so much support you can offer yourself. Has he accessed any outside professional help?

Together for 2 years, no kids. No he hasn’t as far as I know.

See a counsellor for you
Ask him to also see a therapist

Then maybe go to session together

If cancer call macmillan helpline talk it thru
You can talk to professionals get advice for you