Confused about a potential relationship

[Cakequeen1988]

I could do with some help!

I have been in 2 abusive relationships the first neglectful but the second physically violent though I left quickly after that!

I have children and we live a happy and lovely life. I’ve done a lot to help myself such as counselling and self help from YouTube, podcasts etc and have read the excellent book ‘the dominator’ and why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. I guess what I’m saying is I’ve tried to educate and protect myself from a repeated mistake in who I choose to date.

So here’s the question. I’ve met a man, I’ve known him for a few years as a friend and we have been getting closer for a few months now. Daily texting, walks etc. But how do I know if it is right to pursue. I feel like I’m 13 with no experience of relationships and no way to know what to do! How do I know if I like him and should try and have a relationship with him or wether I just like him as a very good friend. How do I tell?? I don’t want to mess things up!!

He’s kind, supportive, comes from a nice family and has friends and hobbies, a job etc so no red flags or obvious issues I don’t think.

I don’t want to be hurt again and I don’t want to hurt him and ruin a friendship because I get it wrong and change my mind or mistake how I feel.

All advice welcome!

Has he made it clear he wants something more than friendship with you? Or do you just feel that it's heading that way and you are unsure if you want more?

Well I think you would just know whether you want a relationship with someone or not. However I am a bit confused as to what is going on, it sounds quite platonic so far?

He hasn’t made it clear. He’s spent a lot of time with me, messaged me a lot (but not in a controlling weird way) complimented me a lot. I’ve known him a while and he hasn’t been complementary like this in the past. He bought me flowers, not just any flowers but really lovely expensive nice flowers, just because, apparently but I’ve never bought anyone flowers this nice for no reason! Even for a birthday.

It just feels like it might be the start of something but how do I know if I’m ready and if I like him enough?

I think if you have to ask whether you like someone or not, you don’t. I have literally never had to ask anyone else whether I like someone.

He sounds lovely!! I would have a chat. Say that you’ve enjoyed the time spent with other and the communication and you wondered if there was anything there worth exploring further. None of my male mates bought me flowers!! I’m in a very similar situation with someone (we met three years ago for a date but message regularly). I said exactly that. We will meet in April to see where we are. Don’t be afraid.

You would definitely know if you liked him more than a friend and quite honestly I think more would of happened if you had that desire for him.
He does sound like a nice respectful man but just be careful not to get romantically involved if deep down it's not really there or you'll find yourself stuck and settled with a man that you feel too bad to leave. Go with your gut feeling on it.

Do you fancy him OP? That’s what you need to ask yourself. Having said that, sometimes attraction can develop the more you get to know someone.....

Good luck 💚

To the PP saying about you’d definitely know etc, tbh, being in DV relationships can make you doubt yourself massively and not trust your own judgment. That’s why the OP is having a wobble

Thank you everyone. @CautiousBlonde yes I agree and that is what is making me question myself. I am absolutely doubting myself and my abilities to make a choice/a safe and right choice.

My abuser was a body building, alpha male type. This new guy is sporty but slim and different in every way so though that’s lovely. But I’m sat questioning if someone so different is my ‘type’ what if he’s so lovely and I hurt his feelings of it doesn’t work out.

I think I just need to step back and relax and see what happens and if it’s natural and meant to be it will. But thank you for your help and assurances.

@Aprilx

I think if you have to ask whether you like someone or not, you don’t. I have literally never had to ask anyone else whether I like someone.

That.

I wonder WHY you are pursuing this? Ok so he is nice to you, so what? That isn't grounds for a relationship.

You don't need to be in a relationship. So you don't need to settle for being in one with someone who you don't even know if you like.

Unfortunately you are at risk of abuse again because you are just getting carried along with someone else's wishes. The dude is buying you flowers and clearly dating you and you aren't even sure if you fancy him. It's not good news op.

Also Google love bombing, just incase btw.

He could be a lovely guy. But you font sound ready to date. You still have the abused mindset of not considering your own needs until far too late/after someone else's. And just settling for the scraps of someone being nice to you as if that's all a relationship needs.

And often ppl fall from one abusive relationship to the next because the first one seems totally different to the last. Plenty of abusers are ,'logely' early on and that's what we've been missing with the last one. But it's all a con.

Unfortunately if you've had one or two, the chances are it's more of the same. Just in different wrapping paper.

So defo do the self work and read up (over several years) on how to spot abuse after dating a nasty person, before dating again.

*'lovely'