Am I crazy or oversensitive?

[LuStu83]

Apologies in advance for the rant...
The hubby and I have had a rough time lately with all the lockdown drama, as I'm sure many couples have. We both work, and were privileged enough to be able to work from home. However, we have 2 children (aged 6 and 2), and all the childcare, school work, housework, responsibility has fallen on me. Every time I say I'm stressed, or need a break, I am told that I should be grateful for what we have and not complain.
He literally does nothing in the home, aside from bringing in a salary. He works, sleeps and games on his computer, using the excuse that he is building an online following on youtube to dodge any responsibility.
The one thing that he is good for is getting our daughter to sleep. He puts her on the poof in his computer room, closes the door and ignores her until she goes to sleep (approx 5 - 10 mins). Tonight he said he would get her to sleep, and when bedtime came and I asked him to put her in his room, his response was "I was going to sleep before work" and the classic pout and sulk. When I called him on it, he angrily said "Then put her here and I'll just be tired tonight!". Of course I told him to shove it and put both kids to bed. He stayed up for a further HOUR after that. I was struggling the entire time with miss jack in the box. He's asleep and she's still awake and I'm mad as hell. Before he went to bed I called him out on taking an hour to go to bed after he said he wanted to sleep and helping out would ruin his night, and all I got back was "It's your fault, I told you to give her to me anyway and you didn't. Stop complaining."
We've very clearly had talks detailing everything that the other is not happy with, anything he wants from me must be provided, but if I need something from him he tells me I have to accept him the way he is... am I crazy? Do I need to just be a bigger asshole and ignore him (that leads to a whole other explosion though).
I told him we need therapy, as a couple and maybe individually and he got offended and told me therapy is bullshit and he doesn't need to change.
Maybe someone has some advice on how to deal with this.

goodness me, it sounds like you both need a break! which i know in the current situation is not easy.
Being in a never ending lockdown, both working from home, 2 kids, home school and not getting out much, mixed with being clearly tired is a recipe for disaster!
i think both of you need to be alone together and maybe remember why you are actually a couple?
lighter evenings now, summer on the way maybe go out for walks, great stress reliever.
when you speak to him, i would be calm, not nagging, dont mention every little thing that irritates you, just say you love him but you need help, and suggest things you can do together as a family.

im guessing playing video games is away in which he relaxes, tell him you need to have time to relax too, compromise.

just some ideas, maybe .

Divorce him.

@anamazingfind

Divorce him.

or you could just do that lol

Why is he doing nothing around the house or for your children? I’ll assume this was the case before lockdown? How long has he been like this?

You both work, you’re both parents, why is the burden for everything but with entirely on you? He’s incredibly selfish. If you’ve spoken to him and nothing’s changed and he refuses to go to therapy I’d say you’re out of options.

If you picture life without him, does it look worse or better?

He sounds like a total arsehole. Why are you allowing yourself to be treated this way?

He doesn’t sound stressed Drew, he sounds like he’s working or amusing himself and leaving everything else to stressed, exhausted OP.

Why does he not do 50% of the housework and the childcare?

You both work. He is not pulling his weight at all.

Personally I'd be looking at separating and he can clean his own house, do his own laundry and look after his own children on his access weekends.

You are married to a prize tit.

He won't like being divorced at all.

@mathanxiety @NovemberR @MyGirlDrew @anamazingfind @AnneLovesGilbert @Cockenspiel
He's always been a bit selfish, but it's become worse and worse. He wanted children, but I think he wanted the dream of children not the reality.
I can well imagine life without him, in an ideal world. Unfortunately I'm alone in a foreign country where there are no support systems and divorce would likely plunge my children into poverty. Also no family that can help, even in my home country. Unless he kicks the bucket , I'm stuck for the foreseeable future.
Thank you all for the validation at least. It does help that other people don't think I'm crazy. You get to the point where you question your reality, and doubt everything you think or feel. I can not express how much all your words have helped me just to feel human.
❤️

Unfortunately I'm alone in a foreign country where there are no support systems and divorce would likely plunge my children into poverty.

You need to work on your plan B even if you never use it. Having a strong alternative to negotiation is what gives you power. Otherwise, he's free to do whatever he wants and he knows it.

Why would you be in poverty if you're working? Could you get a better paid job? Could you move home? It's tough without support, but at least would you have access to subsidised child care, etc.? Even just researching it in detail, typical rents etc., saving up cash on the side, get in touch with old friends/relatives, even just casually, might help.

What a misogynistic twat.

@Moresugar

Unfortunately I'm alone in a foreign country where there are no support systems and divorce would likely plunge my children into poverty.

You need to work on your plan B even if you never use it. Having a strong alternative to negotiation is what gives you power. Otherwise, he's free to do whatever he wants and he knows it.

Why would you be in poverty if you're working? Could you get a better paid job? Could you move home? It's tough without support, but at least would you have access to subsidised child care, etc.? Even just researching it in detail, typical rents etc., saving up cash on the side, get in touch with old friends/relatives, even just casually, might help.

Rental here is ridiculously expensive. even a 1 bedroom apartment would be about 40% of my salary, and my salary is considered good. Beyond that, in order to rent you need 2 people to sign surety for you. I have no family in this country and no friends (my own fault as I've always been a loner, I don't even have online friends because interacting with others causes me a lot of stress). I'm well aware of the market here, and the "resources" available. If we leave him we'd be fine for about 6 months based on splitting of assets. There are women's shelters that you can move into for a couple of months, but the horror stories coming out of them aren't something I would subject the children to. Also due to covid it's estimated that approximately 40% of families are living in poverty, with an unemployment rate of 23%. We don't have the benefits of a western country unfortunately. His family is entirely unsympathetic, as the general attitude is the man is king and it's the woman's job to just do everything. I am trying to be practical. My mother went the nuclear option when we were kids and we ended up on the street. Maybe once the world goes back to normal I can salvage the family. I do think my husband is addicted and depressed. Addicted to the computer, sitting all day. not moving or getting air and likely clinically depressed because of it. It's not an excuse for his terrible behaviour, but something I try to keep in mind. We've been together for 14 years and I'll do everything I can to try to make it work. In his moments of normalcy, he is a fun guy to be around and the kids love when he interacts with them. If we can find a way to banish Mr Hyde, it will be better for all of us.

You're right things are so weird in lockdown. I really hope this year is different.

When the world opens up can you and the children come home on holiday.

And stay?

It does not sound like the country you are in is suitable for you and the children. Nor does it sound female friendly.

Stop having sex with him at the very least

I just wanted to say I don't think you're crazy or oversensitive at all. I came on here today to vent and what I wanted to write was almost exactly your post.

I'm working and when the kids were at home I did all the schoolwork as far as maths, english etc went, my husband did the PE/Art fun stuff - and I should have been grateful for that apparently (I also had to tell him exactly what to do).

I think what lockdown has shown me is that I'm just as busy at work as he is. Previously, I think he hugely overstated the work pressure he was under, meaning that I took all the school runs/ afterschool clubs etc on as well as homework. I do most of the housework (he'll do a bit of ironing and put a wash on occasionally).

But I think what makes me most frustrated is the mental load of getting the kids to practice instruments, do the homework, sort out a tutor and figure out how to help them with schoolwork, remember that they need summer school uniform soon...the list goes on.

I'm just so so tired and if it wasn't for the kids I honestly think I'd just get in my car, drive off and never come back. I'm sat here in tears because I genuinely think no one wants to help me and I just don't want to go on anymore. Sorry for the long stream of consciousness, I'm just a bit done with it all today and sick of putting a smile on my face and saying everything's fine. Underneath it all I feel like a shell of my former self.

I'm not sure what advice I have really but what makes me feel better is crawling into bed early and reading a book so try to find some form of relaxation that can be just yours and indulge in that a couple of times a week.