Unusual relationship sabbotage pattern

[WrenWilliams]

Does anyone else have a pattern of self sabbotage when it comes to relationships? I'm used to running. It's quite amazing what lengths my brain will go to to get me out of there. What's annoying is it makes it so hard to trust myself on my partner choices.

I'm in a new relationhip after several years of deliberately being on my own. I never intended to meet someone, but by chance a guy I chose as a 'safe date test run' (just to see if I could still hold a conversation!), actually turned out to be a lovely human being and very compatible with me in terms of future hopes, values and attitudes. And also very supportive and thoughtful, two qualities that are up there for me.

We started hanging out and, before you can say lockdown, I found I had a boyfriend when I wasn't looking!

But sure enough, like clockwork around 4 months in, my brain has been out on an expedition to find reasons not to be here and come back with it's pockets full. Fear, I am guessing, is what is happening here..

And my brain has chosen an angle that has come up for me many times before... Do I really fancy him??? Do I like him enough?? Do I think highly enough of him??

It may be worse this time as he isn't someone I would normally go for physically. When we started dating i thought he seemed normal and like a nice person, and didnt think beyond that. We have great chemistry though and I do think he has a kind face - plus there are dozens of other things that draw me to him. As I enter middle age those other things are more important to me.

I think I want it to work so badly that I am already predicting a moment when it might go wrong. It's exhausting living with that tiny niggle that says "but what if this is somehting you aren't listening to and you'll regret it down the road".

I'm trying to shut it down. I know im not giddy like i have been in some new relationships, but my god there is a lot to be said for casually imagining yourself living with someone (not something someone fearful like me does willy nilly!), and having someone who shares your future plans and dreams. I'm calm and safe and that seems so valuable.

Does this happen to anyone else? I guess it would be reassuring to know it does!
Thanks for listening x

I'm guessing you don't fancy him enough to be in a relationship with, and you don't want to accept that because you've invested 4 months.

Just let him go. If you have demons, find someone who doesn't trigger them, and drop this:

I think I want it to work so badly

If he's right, you won't have a niggle that he's not right. You'll forget about how much you want it to work because it will be working.

In short, respect your feelings and you will find the right person, because the right person will be you. A relationship may well come, too, as an added bonus.

I do this. It turns out I have an Anxious/Preoccupied Attachment Style. It makes you second-guess, worry, overthink, analyse, and generally tear most relationships to pieces like a team of Customs Officers. It makes being in a relationship much less relaxing than being single.

You say you’re middle aged - what’s your relationship history? Have you been married or committed before? What’s your usual “type” - is it someone who can’t/won’t commit, lives away, is flaky or unsafe somehow?

I do this too OP. I will find reasons to end things, it's like a cycle. I'm so much more aware of it now though that I try to stop myself and am successful. Try reading 'attached' by Levine. It is a great book and will explain your behaviour.

With attachment styles, if you're with somebody who triggers yours, whatever it is, the relationship is pretty much non-viable.

Healthy relationships don't trigger attachment styles.

Attachment styles aren't faults that need correcting, they are parts of our personality that arise from certain triggers. Like anger, for example. If somebody made you angry on the regular, you'd take that as a sign that you weren't compatible. Same with attachment styles.

I never knew that! Thank you, @Eckhart.

@Eckhart That's a really thought provoking and helpful post

@Eckhart

With attachment styles, if you're with somebody who triggers yours, whatever it is, the relationship is pretty much non-viable.

Healthy relationships don't trigger attachment styles.

Attachment styles aren't faults that need correcting, they are parts of our personality that arise from certain triggers. Like anger, for example. If somebody made you angry on the regular, you'd take that as a sign that you weren't compatible. Same with attachment styles.

Hi Eckhart - thank you. And yes, indeed I agree. And I am very familiar with my attachment style and recommend everyone else read of the same. I'm 'anxious avoidant' which make things challenging. Before I understood about it (why don't they teach this to us as teens!) I found myself in horrible co-dependant situations like a push-me-pull-you. And used to try to fix myself too, until I realised it is a fixture created at the start.

But I'm not sure I agree about the unhealthy bit. The thing is with this relatinship is... he is Secure in his attachment style (which I dreamt I would never find!!). So the only thing setting me off/triggering me is ME! It's a pattern from trauma early in life. Indeed I have invested a lot in years of very helpful psychotherapy. It really helped, but am finding here I am, in a relationship again after a long break, and facing the old demons. As someone said above, generally more relaxed out of a relationship than in one and it's something that my therapist helped me to accept. It doesn't make it any easier when your mind gets busy.

Having said that, for the first time i have felt truely relaxed this time. I haven't felt i need to run or anyjthing like that. A huge sign to me is that my sister (who knows me every which way) says i sound different and calm and happy. It has felt safe and natural, and the 'doubts' that are coming at me now are being created by me.

I never thought I would say this, but now in my 40s and with various experiences under my belt, (including serious and deliverate time alone to decide if I would prefer to stay that way), I think I understand why people used a word I hate... 'settle'. It has nothing to do with compromising over what you need or want in a relationship, it's about being mature enough to realise that if you are of a certain mindset, nothing will ever be just right, and you need to choose life, choose love, choose happiness. FOr me 'settling' is about settling down in your mind, not settling for less.

This man is a gem. We have so much to compliment each other. I would be unhinged not to see that. But what I do have is an age old pattern. If I don't overcome it I can see that i will be on my own for another 40 years too.

@YellowHello

I do this too OP. I will find reasons to end things, it's like a cycle. I'm so much more aware of it now though that I try to stop myself and am successful. Try reading 'attached' by Levine. It is a great book and will explain your behaviour.

Thanks YellowHello - when you say you are sucessful, have you managed to stop it from sabbotaging good relationships? I used to think my relationships didnt last as I chose the wrong guys, and i did. But after a lot of self work I have finally found and chosen a healthy guy and yet this sabbotage is rearing it's ugly head again. I have read that book thank you :)

@MacbookHoHoHo

I do this. It turns out I have an Anxious/Preoccupied Attachment Style. It makes you second-guess, worry, overthink, analyse, and generally tear most relationships to pieces like a team of Customs Officers. It makes being in a relationship much less relaxing than being single.

You say you’re middle aged - what’s your relationship history? Have you been married or committed before? What’s your usual “type” - is it someone who can’t/won’t commit, lives away, is flaky or unsafe somehow?

Yes, sadly I have anxious/avoidant attachement. It has got in the way before, but this is the first time I've been with a guy who has a secure attachemnt style. I guess I hoped that it would magically get my out of my pattern, it seems I have some work to do!

I'm only mid 40s. I have never managed to stay in a relationship for more than 3 years. I don't have a problem with being single and am very independant but meeting this guy has made me realise how much better life can be with that close connection/intimacy with someone. We have the same hopes and plans for the future and the same outlooks on most things. He is incredibly constant and steady which balances me out, and he's wonderfully psoitive and adventurous which is huge for me too.

I'm ashamed to say by type I was meaning physical type. I would not have picked out his picture if you see what I mean. It is 'him' that I am drawn to. But we do have great chemistry.

But perhaps where there is a pattern... I orignially chose guys who weren't that fussed about me, or even didnt treat me that well in some cases. No surprised due to childhood. And then when I started dating guys that were keen I ran a mile. The thing is I thought this was different as my fellas keeness didnt make me run. It was a huge break through to me, made me feel like I had really come on great strides over the last three years on my own working on myself.

So I do think this is ME, and not him. Something in my head has panicked, like it used to. Which suggests to me that it's about how i feel about myself, not him. It's 90% a given there - I just wish i could shut the other 10% down!!

Sorry, waffled away there, but good to write it out!

So the only thing setting me off/triggering me is ME

So you get triggered elsewhere than in your relationship with him?

Bear in mind that your attachment style is the part of you that tells you that you are the problem. That's where the 'anxious' name comes from. The 'Ohmygodit'sallmyfaultI'veruinedeverythingagain' feeling.

Get a good therapist

I think "type" is a bit - um - like you have a ticklist for physical attributes. But actually, while you might find the "tall dark and handsome" guy (or whatever is on the list for you) attractive on paper, it's no substitute for chemistry.

If you have chemistry in bed, you enjoy kissing him, he gets you revved up - then so what if he doesn't fit your usual template?

@rulerbirds

Get a good therapist

Fine advice - Im very lucky to have had 4 years with a great therapist ('15 to '19), and i tried to go back but she is retiring at the end of the month :( - sad times. Last ever sesh next week. When i find work again i will try and find a replacement

@category12

I think "type" is a bit - um - like you have a ticklist for physical attributes. But actually, while you might find the "tall dark and handsome" guy (or whatever is on the list for you) attractive on paper, it's no substitute for chemistry.

If you have chemistry in bed, you enjoy kissing him, he gets you revved up - then so what if he doesn't fit your usual template?

Very valid point and this is proven so far!

@Eckhart

So the only thing setting me off/triggering me is ME

So you get triggered elsewhere than in your relationship with him?

Bear in mind that your attachment style is the part of you that tells you that you are the problem. That's where the 'anxious' name comes from. The 'Ohmygodit'sallmyfaultI'veruinedeverythingagain' feeling.

As always you come up with the good shit Eckhart. I don't always want to hear it, but it's bloomin helpful, thanks.

I had a really good chat to my partner tonight again explaining about how some things he says set me off (at no fault to either of us). I am aware of my brains response and need to see if i can overcome it by outing these thoughts. I'm already doing lots of things differently in this relationship which is really encouraging to me. Including putting myself first and not being responsible for how the things I need make him feel.