Cheating partner

[Falling101]

My partner of 20 years thought I was walking the dog this morning. I wasn't I was having a lie down. I heard him in the next room say out loud to someone ,"I miss you, I miss you ..." and then I think he said the name Kat. My dog then made a noise so he came into my room. I asked who he was talking to. He was visibly shaken when he saw me but said he was talking to himself about me! He said he was embarrassed because he was about to look at porn. I don't care about him looking at porn but I know he was talking about missing me out loud. I have a 5 and a 9 month old girls. What do I do?? Ignore it and live a life not trusting him. Or leave??

I’d see if you can gather evidence - not that you need any evidence but for peace of mind.

I’m really sorry, that must have been devastating to hear

Well, he's clearly messing about plus he obviously thinks you have the iq of lettuce to believe such horseshit.
Imo, that's not something a relationship can survive. Nor would I want to be with a man who was telling someone else he loved her.

You don't have to decide straight away. If you need time, take time.

If it was me, I'd make it clear that I did not believe his ridiculous excuse and when he's ready to at last treat me with a little respect, I'll be ready to hear who she is.

That's a bit drastic, thinking of leaving just because of something you think you heard. Just keep an eye on him and see what's happening. You might have misheard. You can't afford to be too hasty if you've got young dc.

Too late now but I would have made him redial and told ow he will be too busy with his dc and sorting out his divorce for the foreseeable to contact her..

Do what I did, with no warning I said he hands me his phone right now to check through, if we walks and takes time to delete anything then it’s done and the trust is gone.

He walked, came back 15 mins later and handed it over. As of that point I was done.

I don’t understand, was he on the phones to someone or was he just talking out loud to himself? I certainly wouldn’t even consider leaving if the latter, I often talk nonsense to myself when I’m alone.

I don't suppose you have any cats? Mine disappear for hours, so I might say this if they'd just wandered in.
Assuming not, then yep, he's up to something and has been for a while. The 'I miss you' imply they've actually met up.
I'd act calm for now but secretly start looking for evidence. Is he very guarded with his phone? Any chance you could get access to it? Does he disappear often? Any other behaviour changes?
Sorry you are going through this.

This doesn’t add up at all and sounds like he came up with the next best believable excuse with the porn thing. Why would he add that nugget in if the only thing he was embarrassed about was being caught talking to himself?

I don't know if he was on his phone or not I just heard him say the words. The name sounded like Kat (my name is Kerry/KEZ) i did grab his phone and thoroughly search but he's good at deleting stuff. Could I have misheard and he said my name?? I just don't think so. We've not been getting on lately, a second baby has been tough especially during covid.

Leave.

Whats your housing situation?

I don't doubt he was about to look at porn, I expected that and was going to burst in and laugh about it (I look at porn too I don't think it's anything to hide) but then I heard him say those words and my heart sank. He was sat at his computer in his home office so could be talking facetime/zoom/ teams or phone?? Or just out loud to himself about someone else

Both names on mortgage

He's the kindest, most loving man and father, I'm devastated and not sure whether to just stay together for my babies

@Falling101

He's the kindest, most loving man and father, I'm devastated and not sure whether to just stay together for my babies

Well, you need to bear in mind that a choice on your part to stay together for the children doesn't mean he's not planning to bugger off with the OW.

You can't seriously leave him because you think he may have possibly said "I miss you" potentially to another woman? Keep your eyes peeled for some actual evidence of cheating and go from there. Please don't rip your family apart because you might have wax in your ears.

Yes thank you you're absolutely right.

What does your gut tell you? I'd act normal and let him feel comfortable again, he'll be hyper alert hiding his tracks. Give it time and he'll soon slip up

Also amazed that you’re considering leaving over a half overheard conversation. If you’re really concerned (and you’ve already gone through his phone) ask to look at his Zoom meetings, Skype history etc. It seems crazy to assume he’s cheating and planning to leave your family as a result.

Could he have been watching live porn where he was chatting to a sex worker? Would you consider that to be worse than ‘normal’ porn?

I’d ask to see his itemised bills for his mobile phone and check to see if there are any commonly dialled numbers and an entry around the time you think you heard him today. Also get him to do an Experian check to see if he has another mobile you don’t know anything about.

If he was about to watch porn he could have been saying it about the girl on it. He could have been looking forward to watching her and then saying it out loud helps him get into it more. Ask him to show you the video he was about to watch

Have you got an actual cat?

Or could it be his nickname for his cock?

I'm now starting to think he may have been ready to watch his fave porn girl and said it to her?? Cuz I honestly can't see where over the years even pre covid he had the time to meet up with anyone

Please no jokes about cats I have 2 very young children and this is make or break for me

That makes sense thank you