Being a parent when you have an abusive parent yourself

[WindFlower92]

Hi guys, I'm not sure why I'm posting as I think this is just going to be a bit of a pity post and I'm not sure what answers I'm looking for really! Just wandering if anyone else has been in this position?

I've always had a terrible relationship with my parents, but particularly my dad. From as early as I can remember he has been physically abusing towards my mum and I have always been terrified of him. He would come back from work and I would instantly know if it was going to be a 'bad evening. Afterwards he would leave and my mum would put me to bed. He would then come back and come into my room crying and saying how sorry he was and that it would never happen again.

All the physical stuff stopped (from what I can remember) when my sister was born and we moved house - when I was about 6. Since then he's been emotionally abusive and manipulative - giving us the silent treatment for no reason; not that he ever told us anyway. After a couple of days of this he would just revert back to talking to us as if nothing had happened. This was never acknowledged by my mum either.

When I was a teenager all this resentment had built up so much that I completely hated him and had no relationship with him. We would fight a lot, and I would bring up all this past behaviour and get very upset and angry with him and my mum. I was always told off for upsetting him and 'ruining the family.' My dad has had depression for many years - not sure when it started - and used to threaten to kill himself when we had these arguments. My mum begged my to apologise to him but I always refused.

As I got older I decided to try and just get on with him. I felt too bitter and was tired of feeling this way, and could see that he wouldn't be going anywhere and that my mum would never leave him. We now get along but I still don't feel anything but resentment towards him. I can be nice to him for the sake of my mum and my sister.

I had my DD nearly 2 years ago and am expecting another one in a couple of months. I guess I hadn't really given all this much thought until I became a parent myself. I'm so angry with both of them - my mum for not leaving and letting me see all that abuse, and then minimising it and telling me to just let it go. I'm angry with my dad for ruining my childhood and probably being the cause of my anxiety now. I was terrified every day that he would take my mum away from me, and it's just clicked that this is probably what fuels my anxiety now. I feel like they didn't love me enough to raise me in a normal, happy household.

I'm worried I'm going to be like my dad and my daughters will hate me. I don't feel like I've had a good example of what parents should look like, and worry that every time I get angry with DD and tell her off she's thinking of me the way I thought of my dad. Logically I know that she's not, but I just can't believe it if that makes sense? My DH is brilliant and knows all this backstop and has reassured me that I'm nothing like my dad (or mum), but sometimes I recognise a trait that my dad has and I feel awful and want to get rid of it. He was always very insecure and cried about the fact that I don't love him as much as I love my mum. I find myself worrying that my daughter doesn't love me as much as her dad. Does that make me like him? I try not to show how I feel with her as I really don't want to ruin our relationship and I really want to be a good mum, but I feel like the bad traits of my parents keep creeping in and it's going to be impossible for me to be anything other than them.

Sorry that that's all a jumble, well done if you made it through to the end! Is there anything I can do to feel 'normal'? How do you learn how to be a parent when you've had a rubbish example? I should just add DH's parents are lovely and I try to spend much more time with them so DD has a normal family on one side at least!

Firstly, @WindFlower92 the fact that you're thinking about all of this would indicate you're nothing like your dad.
For me, I had an angry abusive alcoholic mother and neglectful passive, passifully abusive father. I was worried about being like my mother. Which for years meant dulling myself down, people pleasing, pretending to be nice, pretending I don't feel anger etc When my ds a toddler, I remember other toddlers bashing him and I realised I had to stop it, in front of other mums, who seemed to be ignoring it. And I realised I'd never even learnt how to protect myself in life. So it's been steep curve. Not least, putting down boundaries with him now he's older. Boundaries that is, not screaming in his face or locking him out, as I experienced.
It's tough, long, journey - I've had a reasonable amount of therapy so that I can seperate out their stuff from my me. And it never goes away. With each new age, I realise new stuff. How was that ok to treat me like that at X age? I think.
Also, how given no one chatted to me at that age,how do I keep on having conversations with him and working with the demands of any age, given I have no memory of healthy parenting from that age.

But we have a good relationship. Good as in realistic. I do say no. I can tolerate being disliked. BUT I also just let myself enjoy him! We have fun. I'm not perfect but I made a promise to myself to be different to them. And I am.

Listen to your partner and their reassurance. Read some parenting books, it helps. Go to therapy if possible, it'll give you some space to think. And accept that you're different. You're you, and you sound like a great loving parent. And ask for help, or take a break, when you feel pushed into a corner, as that will happen. All the best!!

Having a child often causes a crisis for children of abusive parents as they realise just how awful what their parents did, it certainly did for me.

I would really recommend therapy and as much self care as you can manage with a little one and pregnancy! Don't be afraid to lean on your partner and family and friends who are supportive.

Totally empathise with you on this - though I am not a parent, the same worries often used to cross my mind.
Had no father, just an abusive, narcissistic and neglectful mother.

@caketherapy Is on the money. Your concern alone indicates you don't have it in you to be 'just like' your parents.
You have self-awareness, which is no small thing.
It's vital to becoming a person capable of growth, reflection, change and betterment.
You'll notice most abusers seem to have none whatsoever. Maybe that's why they seem so incapable of change.

My psychology lecturer once said something like "a narcissist would never worry about whether or not they were a narcissist. It wouldn't cross their mind". Feel this applies to most monstrous parents.

Would echo suggestions of therapy if you have access to it, to help you heal.
If not there are lots of brilliant books out there - I'd recommend 'The Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle. Not directly related, but helped me find so much peace and put my past to bed.
All the best x

Thanks both. I have been thinking about therapy - is there a trusted website to choose a therapist from? I've just done a quick Google and lots of people have come up, but how do you know if they are any good? It's definitely something I need though - DH has suggested talking to my parents to get some answers but I just don't think this would work and if I'm honest the thought of it makes me cringe. They are definitely the type to sweep things under the carpet and repress, so we don't really do emotions! Always tiptoeing around my dad's feelings of course. @caketherapy you're right about feeling angry - how could they both think it was okay to do that in front of a 2 year old? I remember begging my mum to run away with me so we could escape my dad, and she told me to stop being so silly, and walked away and left me trying to climb out the window. I can't imagine doing that to my daughter when she's that age! I guess I can see that I'm not like that, but it's those little moments where I say something that they would say that I get a bit scared. I'm also wondering whether I want my DD to have a relationship with my dad when he's still the same person. Aaagh you're right, this is going to be a long process!

My mum was awful... silent treatment, alcoholism etc
But when I had my own children I was also furious with her... I think that's a good sign? I questioned everything she was, and did
Move on 16 years two sons later and I'm the exact opposite of her! So I think you'll be fine but I did have therapy and it really helped 😀

I went through the local private hospital to find my therapist.

Good for you that you want to be different from your abusive parents. No advice re counsellors except to say try talking to a few to get a feel for them. When you start working with one, if after some time you dont feel they suit you, then try someone else, you are not committed to staying with the one person.

I doubt trying to talk to your parents will achieve anything at this point in time, and certainly wouldn't try it until you understand the situation a little better and know what you want from a discussion.

I'd suggest you try reading Susan Forwards book Toxic Parents, it might clarify some things for you and give you ways to come to terms a bit more with the terrible experiences you had as an innocent child.

Thanks for the book recommendation, it's on order now! Thanks for all the helpful responses, for some reason I was worried people would tell me that I'm overreacting or that I was at fault and should be better with my dad. Need to get out of this mindset.

Hi please look up Adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families.
I’m sure you will find it very helpful. You can look to go to there meetings on line via Zoom.
I came from a similar past and they have really helped me in my parenting too.
It’s a 12 step fellowship - it’s not about believing in God but a higher power - it’s a spiritual not religious programme.
Private message me if you want more information.
💐