Horrible person

[Heartofstrings]

Life has turned me into a horrible person. I just want to run from it all.

2 preschoolers. One is on the diagnosis pathway for autism. He can't be left unsupervised, soils and wets himself regularly, can be violent and uncooperative. He's emotional and volatile.

Me and husband are working/studying around eachother and juggling the boys. Generally husband studies mornings and I work afternoons and evenings. He then studies weekends and/or has lectures.

He has to get this degree. It will result in a good profession and income. He's also trying to obtain another qualification this month so he can boost his income. Oh yes and after months and years of him suffering, he's finally been diagnosed with a medical condition. Symptoms include low mood, tiredness, lack of motivation. He will need regular treatment, maybe for life.

We just don't seem to be able to keep on top of the house, the kids, our work and studies, our relationship.

We are in debt, tired, demotivated and drowning. We are grumpy with eachother and distant.

Covid has beaten me. The kids are at preschool - started 2 weeks ago- four mornings but the days the boys go I start work earlier so no real time benefit.

Please help. I'm desperate

You are not a horrible person.
It sounds like you are an overwhelmed person. Most people wouldn’t be coping with the number of challenges you are facing at the moment.

You need to cut it back. The extra qualification your husband is doing should be put on hold for another time. Can the degree your husband is doing be put on hold for a while too, while he gets on top of his medical treatment? Yes, that might slow down the chances of an increased salary and the paying off of your debts, but realistically how much extra in debt interest will it cost you if he delays getting either qualification for 6 months or a year?

Cut back to absolute basics for time / effort for meals, household cleaning, and other activities to make things less busy. Ask if there is any respite care available for you son, or ask is family or friends could help support you in any practical way (e.g. cooking meals for the freezer).

Wishing you well.

I know it might sound a bit defeatist but I'm not prepared to support him giving up or delaying either qualification. The mini qualification will bridge the gap when my income drops and will.allow me to cut back on work a little.
His degree. He is in year 3 of 5. He's doing amazingly but the course isnt running the year below him. So it would be a massive delay if he delayed. The degree is the way to sort our finances out. He also gets his student loan which is pretty much equal to what he was bringing in by working and also allows me to work extra hours. His injections should start next week or the week after so hopefully that will help him feel less grumpy.

Housework. We are at bare minimum. The house is disgusting.

We fight fire with the boys but it's a sad life. There are no nursery rhymes or dancing (ds cant tolerate it). There is very little chill time colouring or doing puzzles. There is no relaxed walk looking for butterflies or stones or whatever. There is no "help with the washing" that kids pretend to do. There is no "let them watch telly while you do housework"

My family are really far away and friends are also juggling preschool age children and work. And complain about how hard it is having one at nursery while working part time. I guess I'm bitter because they have husbands available at weekends and can put one child to bed together or do housework while one does bedtime. My husband does dinner bath and bed alone most nights (with an unruly preschooler...often trying to manage dangerous behaviour).

I think it's the dangerous behaviour that is the worst. Husband can't do anything like "wipe the sink while they are in the bath" or anything useful like this because ds will end up nearly killing himself or his brother the second his back is turned.

I actually think I hate my life and my husband right now.

I don't know what to say that might possibly help. I hear you. Your situation sounds very challenging and you are exhausted by it. You and your husband are trying to make life work, when nothing is easy for you. And that means you are left with the children and house to deal with, as well as your work. I wish you well. Perhaps do the very tiny things that contribute to wellbeing, like drinking more water or taking a few minutes for yourself on the way to or from work.

You're probably right. Currently I'm comfort eating to cope but it makes me feel rubbish about myself and just sluggish generally.

I really feel for you. It's incredibly difficult when all you have are difficult choices and not one of them seems to be the right option.

Would you be able to move your hours around to better suit your needs?

If you're in debt I would recommend contacting Step Change for advice. Perhaps you could offer token payment for a while so your husband could cut back on the additional qualification for a bit.

Do you have any professional support regarding your children? It wouldn't be the same but there might be Facebook groups etc where parents share their experiences and things that might help. I'm not sure if there is something on MN too.

I also think you should see your GP, even if it's just to tell someone how bad things feel for you right now and see if they have anything to offer or there are any referrals they can make.

I really hope things start improving for you soon.

OP you don't sound like a horrible person, you sound overwhelmed.

In terms of finances, have you thought about applying for Disability Living Allowance for your son. You don't need a diagnosis just to prove his needs are over and above other children of the same age who are neurotypical. This may mean you're entitled to other benefits such as UC, as they also include an amount for disabled children entitled to DLA.

This may help to ease the financial burden, freeing you up to look after yourself a bit more, general day to day tasks, feel less exhausted etc.

Sorry you're having a hard time OP. Do you or DH have any family that may help ease the load sometimes, by babysitting perhaps?
I don't know what your DH's condition is but there may be help elsewhere other than the allopathic path ( eg: a naturopath, a TCM practitioner).
I'm sorry I have no answers but wish you strength, stamina and ease.

Sorry OP
The only visible post when I replied was your original one. Now that I've posted all the other posts are visible.
I really hope things ease up for you soon 💐

Thankyou all so much. I'm currently sat on my kitchen floor surveying my mess of a kitchen. I'm so overwhelmed, I just can't even begin.

Dh is so much better at looking after himself. He's in the bath and I don't blame him. I'm sat stewing over nothing.

DLA could be a good call. He certainly should be entitled. I spend a fortune on sensory stuff for him.

We have no available babysitters and no local family support.

Unfortunately I'm a tutor so I can't really change my hours. I find the job emotionally demanding on top of emotionally managing the children. I do love it though and the kids I teach really benefit.

Referrals have largely been approved. We are on the waiting list for a parenting course which starts in april. Portage plus has been approved but is now a 6 month wait and probably wont kick in before he starts school. Occupational therapy is also a 6 month wait.

I'm just so resentful that I have to deal with all this shit. I wish I didnt get married or have kids.

Husband will be ok soon enough. He should start his injections next week. They should help a lot