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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Have to constantly praise husband

50 replies

beansandjeans · 08/03/2021 00:46

I feel like I have to constantly praise DH. Even for the most minor things like putting the shopping away, washing up, working, looking after his own son. It’s draining. He’s ridiculously sensitive to any criticism so if he does anything wrong and I point it out he sulks and says I’m critical of him so I guess the constant praising has become a way of life to keep the peace in our house. Only just realising now how much I do this and not even sure why I’m posting.

OP posts:
raspberrymuffin · 08/03/2021 09:52

I once made DH an actual medal (well, a cardboard one) for some basic household task he wanted huge celebrations for having completed. He's better now Grin

Colourmeclear · 08/03/2021 09:52

I was with someone like that eventually you just start lying because you don't believe any of it and you live in a reality where nothing much makes sense but you feel guilty for being dishonest. Your contribution is under valued and you may start thinking that what you contribute is lesser than. It's not a good position to be in. What happens if you say nothing? Does he attack you, himself or both?

rulerbirds · 08/03/2021 09:55

Say nothing for the whole day OP and see what happens

Londono · 08/03/2021 12:34

I had to do this with STBXH - we are now getting divorced. It was one of many, many reasons but for me it was also a sign that he valued his (very minor) household contributions far higher than mine.

Eckhart · 08/03/2021 12:44

@SleepingStandingUp

So what happens if you stop?
I came to ask the same thing, OP..? 'Not praising' is not the same as 'criticising'.

What happens if you don't give any judgment either way (which is what should be happening)?

CeliaCanth · 08/03/2021 12:47

Grin at Royal Canine

billy1966 · 08/03/2021 14:36

How can you bear to live with such a controlling twat.

Because he is controlling.

Has to be praised for blowing his nose.

Sulks at the hint of the slightest criticism so you don't dare.

Very controlling.
Emotionally abusive.

Look it up.
Understand what you are living with.
Knowledge is power.
Flowers

updownroundandround · 08/03/2021 15:09

Exactly how does he expect this 'praise' to be worded ?

Is it a 'thank you for doing the dishes'?

What do you think would happen if you ask him for praise ? e.g 'Did you notice I hoovered today ?? Did you notice that I even hoovered upstairs too ??

I honestly couldn't be arsed with all the bloody 'tip-toe/ eggshell walking' type crap tbh.

I used to get annoyed at my ExH's 'half arsed' attempts at any household chore, but I refused to 'rise to the bait' of him doing it.
I did get a little 'revenge' though, by only washing some bits of his prized (black) car which he'd asked me to clean so it was ready for a big work thing for him Grin

But that's no way to live long-term (hence he's my ExH) is it ?

You need to stop pandering to his bloody moods, and start living the life you deserve ! ( And if that means you go on the 'world's fastest diet i.e 'lose 14 stone in a day!!, then that's what you need to do).

NotSeenBulling · 08/03/2021 15:13

My DH occasionally used to say that he has done something for me. I told him that he hasn't done it for me, I'm not the default cleaner or whatever is appropriate. He rarely does it now and sees my POV.

Clarice99 · 08/03/2021 15:20

@beansandjeans

I feel like I have to constantly praise DH. Even for the most minor things like putting the shopping away, washing up, working, looking after his own son. It’s draining. He’s ridiculously sensitive to any criticism so if he does anything wrong and I point it out he sulks and says I’m critical of him so I guess the constant praising has become a way of life to keep the peace in our house. Only just realising now how much I do this and not even sure why I’m posting.
What happens when you don't pander to him, stroke his ego or grovel and just let him sulk?

It's so sad that women put up with this shit from men who have less self awareness than a 4 year old Angry

willibald · 08/03/2021 15:24

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. I'd be out of there. I dumped sulkers the first time they did it whilst dating, it was an early dealbreaker after a disastrous relationship with a sulker/silent treatment type.

toolatetofixate · 08/03/2021 15:34

Just don't.

Shoxfordian · 08/03/2021 15:38

He sounds exhausting to live with
Can you really be bothered to carry on?

TheDogsMother · 08/03/2021 15:42

Nothing on this scale but I have had to pick up on the 'I will do that for you' 'I have done that for you' in relation to household tasks. No DH you have done that for us, not me. He doesn't say it anymore.

SugarfreeBlitz · 08/03/2021 15:48

@beansandjeans have you read much about Attachment Theory? It's just a thought because he might have an insecure attachment. These sorts of things can cause all kinds of problems in relationships.

For a long time I had an Insecure Attachment, but I have done some counselling and did this quiz with a SECURE result for the first time EVER. www.psychologytoday.com/us/tests/relationships/relationship-attachment-style-test

If it is an Insecure Attachment, it can be worked on. There is hope.

BlingLoving · 08/03/2021 16:48

I'd be far more concerned about the sulking if you criticise. Sounds like you're expected to be super grateful and drop to your knees to celebrate whenever he actually does something and not notice when he's being a dick.

DH and I tend to acknowledge/thank each other for the completion of day to day tasks. I wouldn't call it praising and it's pretty casual. This means that when we do criticise occasionally, that is taken as just being about that and not in any way as a series of never ending criticisms.

HotPenguin · 08/03/2021 18:06

I've noticed at work that the people who complain about not getting praised and thanked are always the ones who aren't very good at their jobs, perhaps it's the same here?

Whydidimarryhim · 08/03/2021 19:54

I’d be curious how he copes at work. Does his family of origin shed any light on his neediness!!!
Buy some dog treats and pat his head.
There’s a good boy. 😀

WildfirePonie · 08/03/2021 20:19

Did the big man manage to wash a plate? Ohhh, who's a good boy? Coooooochy cooo.

BehindMyEyes · 08/03/2021 20:25

How critical are you of him actually ? Is it a regular thing ?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 08/03/2021 20:45

As someone else said, there's a lot of distance between "criticising" and "praising".

There's also a big difference between constructive criticism ("Thanks for putting the bin out but it's actually the brown one this week! Confusing isn't it!") and nit-picking ("FGS! You've put the hangers the wrong way round in the wardrobe!")

And there's likewise a difference between thanking someone for completing their task ("Oh you've put the laundry on - thanks, love") and empty praise ("Oooh, fabulous job on mowing the lawn, darling! Next door will be SOOO jealous of your manly skills!")

What is important is that there should be an equal balance of negative and positive feedback. If all someone ever hears is "you haven't done it right!" then they simply stop listening. If they know they have a good chance of being recognised for either doing something right or wrong, they are more likely to listen, and more likely to do it right and do it promptly.

That's the way we teach kids, right? The same basic principles apply when we're relating to adults. We still have a need to have our good deeds recognised. Whether that's in a romantic relationship or from an employer!

This is, however, a long way from the kind of berk who thinks they deserve "brownie points" for basic parenting. No, mate, you do not get a gold medal for changing a shitty nappy. But hey, maybe you could award yourself a brown medal, as long as you award it to every single other parent on this planet...

Only OP knows which category her DH falls into, and where her comments/critiques/praise fits into the picture.

SugarfreeBlitz · 08/03/2021 21:42

I think a lot of men like to feel appreciated. What is his love language? (from the book about five Love Languages?)
these are:
*words of affirmation,
*quality time,
*receiving gifts,
*acts of service,
*physical touch.

Sounds like your husbands love language is words of affirmation! Does he try to give you words of affirmation too? Sometimes we try to do for others what we'd like to be done for ourselves, but if your love language is physical touch and your partners isnt, they may not see that as love

I think you need to delve into why this is a problem so you can find better ways of dealing with him. If you can each identify your love language, then you can avoid exasperation and "speak" each others language. Look at attachment theory too.

AgentJohnson · 09/03/2021 05:53

I think a lot of men like to feel appreciated.

There’s a difference between feeling appreciated and having your fragile ego stroked.

Funny how men mead gold stars for pulling their weight while women are expected to get on and do the things they need praise for.

Fuck that!

BensonStabler · 09/03/2021 06:51

I'm another who had a partner with narcissistic personality disorder... this is MAJOR red flags to me. 🚩🚩🚩

Read up online about it. See if it rings true to you. Their behaviour is so similar to one another, it is like they are the same person. You may find hearing others examples and stories sound exactly like what you are living. It only gets worse. I hope I'm wrong, but had to warn you. I wish I had been warned off earlier. Maybe at best narcissistic tendencies rather than full blown. Only way to know is to learn all you can about it and assess your own experiences.

There are some great videos on YouTube. One I love is Doctor Ramani.

WeirdArchitecture · 09/03/2021 13:24

curious disappearance of OP....this gonna end up in one of our lovely British rags' 'human interest' sections by 2pm I bet.

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