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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

OLD; am I wrong to be put off by this?

25 replies

BilboBercow · 07/03/2021 20:21

I'm very aware that I'm fussier when OLD than when I just meet someone and we hit it off so wanted to check if others would be put off by this:

Me, 40yo lone parent, one child, work full time earning a very available salary, own modest two bed terrace home and drive a six year old 1.2lt car, so not flashy or an over achiever in any way.
He is 43, in last year at uni, 2 kids, works in retail, got rid of his car after it failed it's MOT, rented Housing Association flat.

He's bright and funny we get on but we've met for a walk twice, the first time he asked for a lift home in a jokey way and I laughed it off, the 2and time he asked outright and it's not really but kind of on my way home but I didn't want to break the rules. He's also forgotten a couple of fairly important things I've told him, eg losing a close family member to suicide...
So does he sound like he's not a keeper? I feel really bad for being a bit judgemental about his current situation as he's trying to improve himself, but at the same time I want someone who's going to add to my life.

OP posts:

Lottieeshborn · 07/03/2021 20:25

Seems like a clinger. I would be put off tbh x

bangheadhere40 · 07/03/2021 20:26

Oh goodness no just get rid, don't overthink this or settle.

funnylittlefloozie · 07/03/2021 20:28

It doesn't sound like he's going to enrich your life much. I would be very careful, and not get too involved. Have some fun with him if you like, but this man is almost certainly not your life partner.

BlueSoop · 07/03/2021 20:28

I wouldn’t take on two kids tbh. Even if he graduates and gets a better job, a large chunk of his newly acquired money will vanish in child support. You have one child and a decent job, you want someone who brings the same to the relationship. Otherwise he’ll be a financial burden and will disadvantage your own child.

ellenpartridge · 07/03/2021 20:29

He wouldn't be what I would consider an interesting prospect.

Wanderlusto · 07/03/2021 20:30

Did you tell him about the family suicide in person. If you told him on online dating chances are he is taking to a few women and forgot who said what.

Maybe just treat it as fun and a bit if company. Doesn't have to be anything serious.

SnarkyBag · 07/03/2021 20:33

The car thing and asking for lifts straight off the bat would be a turn off for me.

Candyfloss99 · 07/03/2021 20:34

A definite no.

LunaHeather · 07/03/2021 20:34

@BlueSoop

Agree. Also, sorry to say but as you own your home, he might be one of those people who thinks they can move in...

LunaHeather · 07/03/2021 20:36

PS if that sounds OTT, a mate of mine dated a woman who became unable to pay her rent really fast and he felt "obliged" to help, had a lot of trouble getting her out. You have to be so careful.

Original poster

BilboBercow · 07/03/2021 20:39

Yeah the asking for a lift really put me off. Ok if you can't afford to run a car right now but don't expect people to run you around...

I also did have some concerns that he seems overly keen.

OP posts:

MondeoFan · 07/03/2021 20:42

It'd be a no from me for all the reasons you've said. Especially the car reason. Is he short of money? The next thing you know he'll be asking to borrow money

Original poster

BilboBercow · 07/03/2021 20:43

Mondeo he's a mature student so I expect he must be. I also then wonder how much maintenance he's paying and how well his ex is coping while he improves himself.

OP posts:

Crimeismymiddlename · 07/03/2021 20:45

A no-I don’t have a car and would rather die than ask for a lift, even in a jokey way as am 41 and perfectly capable of using a bus/feet/Uber app. Soon you might find that you have acquired a new, adult child that you have to do everything for.

HollowTalk · 07/03/2021 20:47

It's a no from me.

MondeoFan · 07/03/2021 20:48

@BilboBercow how old are the children? Not that it matters but made me think when you said about the maintenance. I know what you mean, if he's giving pittance or maybe not paying anything then his ex is also struggling too. Does he work part time?

LividLoving · 07/03/2021 20:51

After many years of OLD I can tell you that you need to weed these sorts of chaps out from the start.

He wouldn’t have got a date from me. (After many shite experiences).

It’s okay to have standards.

LawnFever · 07/03/2021 20:55

Nope I’d steer clear, and also - you can decide it’s a no for whatever reason you like, if you’ve had this inkling in your head this early on then listen to it

Original poster

BilboBercow · 07/03/2021 20:59

@Mondo they're both primary school age. He works part time in retail so will be fairly poorly paid. You're all right - I tend to get the ick and shut down potential relationships around date 3, it's a bit of a self defense mechanism so I don't always know if I'm being reasonable.

OP posts:

Runnerduck34 · 07/03/2021 21:04

Youve only met twice!
Hard to judge at such an early stage.
But its not great forgetting such an important piece of personal information about the suicide and also for pushing for a lift.
Personally I think its great he's returned to uni as a mature student, would his degree lead to better job prospects?
As it stands you are more financially viable and have more assets, so further down the line there is potential for conflicting interests.
If financial equality is important to you( and its understandable if it is) then he probably isnt a long term prospect.
Having 2 DC I dont think is fair to hold against him when you have one DC yourself, obviously having DC makes things more complicated but that comes with being older and at least he should understand about being a parent.

OppsUpsSide · 07/03/2021 21:05

The fact he didn’t remember important things you had told him would be what would really put me off.

2020iscancelled · 07/03/2021 21:08

You don’t have to have reasons for not wanting to date someone, it can be as simple as saying “I’m just not feeling it”

That said, the things you’ve said would put me off too.

Put it this way, you’re already unsure and you’ve not even had a proper date yet.

Draw a line and move on, it’s totally fine to be a bit fussy - you’re looking for a partner, it’s perfectly reasonable to want more than “ok / acceptable”!

IronNeonClasp · 07/03/2021 21:10

Is it an artsy degree or a degree that will lead to decent work?

Justcallmebebes · 07/03/2021 21:23

25 years ago, maybe. Both in your 40's. No way

Lovelydiscusfish · 07/03/2021 21:43

Well, if you fancied the arse off him you wouldn’t be asking! If I had been in a position to drive my current fella - also a OLD guy - home on our first date, I totally would have, just for an opportunity to get my hands on him..... Sadly I couldn’t, as I had got off my tits on cider, and had to run for the train.

No right or wrong here, OP. It’s just clear you aren’t that in to him......

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