My mother is annoying me

[brokengate]

DH is useless. Farmer, long hours, always working, never home.

Married twenty plus years. Couldn't tell you the last time I had a birthday card, never mind present. Same with Christmas, anniversary, Valentine's Day.

I have two young children after a fifteen year battle. Just 2 and newborn.

I have just found a card in his pick up that my mum has put there and written on the bag, to give for Mother's Day next Sunday.

I'm so annoyed at them both. Him for not caring enough to bother himself, I have PND, I am low. Her for enabling him. There is no reason he could not make a bloody card with Dd. None at all.

I'm tempted to remove it, bin it and deny all knowledge.

I see no reason why my mother should be helping him continue to be useless.

He has not asked her to get it, she is just interfering as always. The note says she knows he will have forgotten. I was not snooping, was checking sheep off road and use his vehicle for that. Was on drivers seat.

I'm probably being unreasonable. I'm not a materialistic person, I wouldn't have been surprised or upset with no card, I'm just annoyed at this for some reason.

Is it me being silly?

I wouldn't be annoyed at your mum I would be annoyed at your husband. Last year my partner didn't give me anything on mother's day I was fuming. You can literally get a card delivered and not have to leave your house. It's laziness and I felt really unappreciated.

It's the fact he can't be added to put in the effort.

I'm not materialistic but I always make an effort to make things special for other people so I decided that if he doesn't make the effort this year I will not be making any effort either xx

Yes, that's me, I make the effort for everyone. All his family and mine.

I am annoyed at the, both but I suppose there's always the chance he might have made a card, we are a week off. It's the fact that she is helping him.

It's like the one thing he could do and she does it for him.

Being a mum it sounds like she is aware of some problems? Maybe he phoned her to ask her to help? You used the word 'battle' in your sentence about having children. Why have you had such a battling relationship in getting what you wanted? PND is a really difficult thing to deal with and I hope you are getting the correct support as I dont think its coming from you husband right now. Is your mum helping? Reading that you have never had a card from him before over 20 years then its not expected in the future I suppose. I just think your mum may not be interfering but just trying to help, however, sounds like from your perspective it really isn't. Your mum isn't helping him to 'continue to be useless'...he has been already useless for 20 years and its not been addressed as you have continued in the relationship and had children knowing this. Do you think you could sit down, chat or get professional help in some way to work on this? I can see you are so low, probably lonely and angry at your mum making things worse.

@litterbird apologies, battle against infertility not Husband. Multiple losses, failed IVF. Told we wouldn't have children, then along they came. PND seems to stem from all that.

You are being silly aboit your mother who probably sees you are sad and him being shit and misguided thought it might help because she loves you.

You arent being silly about your husband who sounds like a selfish arse.

I'd have words with him. You arent overeacting. After all you've been thru he should make some type of effort on mothers day even if its just a bunch of daffodils and helping your eldest to draw on a card...

Yes I'm going to raise it with him. I've never been one to make a fuss so probably have created this. I just don't want a card from mum, I want one from kids or dh. I'm being silly I know.

you arent being silly at all i totally understand. I would feel the same.

But your mum was probably just trying to be helpful and got it wrong.

@brokengate

Yes, that's me, I make the effort for everyone. All his family and mine.

I am annoyed at the, both but I suppose there's always the chance he might have made a card, we are a week off. It's the fact that she is helping him.

It's like the one thing he could do and she does it for him.

Was her thought to stop you being hurt (again)? Perhaps she was just trying to be kind rather than actively supporting him?

@brokengate

Yes I'm going to raise it with him. I've never been one to make a fuss so probably have created this. I just don't want a card from mum, I want one from kids or dh. I'm being silly I know.

Are you getting help with your PND?

I think it's quite thoughtful of your mother, she has her heart in the right place. Seems like you have a DH problem, have you spoke to him about how you feel?

I think your Mum is trying to be kind, but your husband might be a selfish asshole.

Im torn on this because i always make sure my adult daughter gets cards and pressies on special occassions from her 3 kids. My son in law is a bit useless at this so i often either chase him up or buy them myself on kid's behalf. Works for us. I think your mum was being kind

Couldn't tell you the last time I had a birthday card, never mind present. Same with Christmas, anniversary, Valentine's Day.

I think your Mum was just trying to do a nice thing for you, and maybe having a subtle dig at him to remind him of what he ought to be doing.

If you have never had cards for the above occasions, what makes you think that he would come up with a Mother's Day card/gift by himself?

You say that your eldest is just 2. Has he done anything for Mother's Day the last 2 years?

You're not being horrible - he is just thoughtless.

As others have said, please make sure that you are getting the help you need for your PND and congratulations on your newborn

Yes, another one here who thinks your mum is just trying to be kind. Your husband is just clueless- I think some people (hate to say it but men in particular) need to be told how to be empathetic in a relationship.
Tell him exactly what you need. It’s an absolute pain that you have to but you have to. Your mum ‘gets it’ and is probably just trying to show him what he should be doing. She knows what you’ve been through.

You are being incredibly silly. Your mum is far enough away from the relationship to see he will never change, you are too close to see he won't.

Your mum is just trying to help keep the wheels oiled in difficult times.

If he's always been the same why are you suddenly expecting him to be different now, and why now not last year or next year.

You're not being at all silly at being upset, but please try not to be cross with your mum. I'm sure she feels that what she has done is an act of love.

Congratulations on your DC. We were in the same position, so I do understand to some extent - do try to get some support for your PND if you can.

I had post natal anxiety after first baby. Still in background. I am very lonely and isolated. I think I have depression rather than PND but because baby is newborn they tell me it's that.

Yes I thought it would be me being silly.

Thank you all.