was that such a terrible thing i did?

[knackeredbutnice]

My DH's parents are both turning 75 next year and we thought of doing something nice for them. We thought maybe a really nice restaurant dinner and overnight stay somewhere would be great . DH and I are really busy with work so everytime we do come up with ideas I just get on with it, otherwise I will completely forget to do it. In this case, it is a 3 star michelin restaurant so I wanted to make sure they would be available. Called the place, they said great, and said would you have 2 rooms available - and they said yes -- and whilst doing that I thought well hang on, maybe SIL and husband might want to come so I said do you have 3 rooms available and they said yes. So I said, ok till when can you hold it for and they said feb so I felt ok, will reserve as no cost to us and no pressure to make a decision if this is what we will give them.
Anyway, yesterday was speaking to SIL and told her that oh we thought this might be a nice thing to do - and I said as no pressure from restaurant about confirming soon, they have the rooms avail if we wanted it. She then loses it on me and said it was thoughtless of me not to consult her, that it's her parents not mine (I am not from this country), and I am forcing her to do this (not true as we are completely open about giving them something else). Anyway, I then apologised if that is how it came out as, I know it's her parents, etc etc. I suppose I can see where she is coming from, but I though we were doing something nice, and thought was also being inclusive by letting her know what we were doing (we don't mind paying for it ourselves as a present just from us IYSWIM). Anyway, I texted her again to say sorry if inadvertently upset her.

I am now a bit annoyed as I feel I have been portrayed as this thoughless person trying to usurp her parents and trying to exclude her. It is my DD's bday party this Saturday and she will be there and I really don't feel I have to apologise again if she brings it up. I am scared of what DH might say because he is upset (but I told him to drop it) as he feels the spirit in which we thought of it has completely been misunderstood and that she has made me feel bad for trying to do something nice. But I am so not confrontational and I just really want to drop it now?..

Was that such a terrible thing I did? (tell me honestly, I can take it)

You did a lovely thing, so don't feel bad. You've apologised so there's nothing more to say. There's nothing to stop you and your DH from taking your PILs away for the nice dinner and overnight stay as you planned - without SIL and her husband.

She sounds very unreasonable. What you did was very thoughtful and, as you say, she didn't have to go along with it. As TheMMJ says, I'd just leave it now and let her get over it.

It's called Psychotic Sister-In-Law Syndrome and it's very common! Mine randomly went mental because I send her some nice Thorntons chocs and an Auntie mug on her 40th birthday from us and the kids.. and turned out I accidentally bought some that said Seasons Greetings on the box (it was in Feb!) although they were well within date! I honestly hadn't noticed. .the box was flowery not christmassy!

She said she couldn't believe we'd send her old stuff laying around from Christmas for her 40th..even after I'd assured her that this wasn't the case. All by text of course. Then like a mug I ordered her more from the Thorntons website.

I haven't felt the same about her since. She never buys DH or I sweet FA, special birthdays or not!

You did what you thought was a nice thing with the emphasis on no pressure.. she is being psychotic!! Treat her as normal at the party but don't apologise again!!!!

Thank you for the supportive messages so far.
I do feel especially sensitive with her as i feel our relationship isn't great even if it's all ok at the outset. I have no family here and she is my DH's only sister and my DD loves her cousins so i go out of my way to please her. I must say, sometimes she is not all that nice to me, but hey, i try to develop a thick skin (it's mostly to do with comments about working mums, people with nannies and how their children do not have same bond with parents as children with SAHM etc - knowing full well i work full time and have a nanny at home).
I don't have a sister in RL and was always hoping she could be like one to me but i just always feel like she thinks it's some competition and feel like me and DH doing something nice for her parents is another form of one upmanship.
Thank god my PIL are wonderful, wonderful people.

Could she be feeling guilty because she hadn't arranged anything? I think it was very kind of you to arrange it all.

I sorted a birthday cake for my MIL for her 70th. Got a few snidey comments from my SILs but I ignored it. If they had bothered I wouldn't have had to.

You may be knackered but you are clearly very very nice.

Take the pil away as planned and forget the whole sil thing.

ooooh is it the fat duck? yummmm

take your pil away. say nothing further about it to your sil. don't apologise again. i suspect she felt guilty that she wasn't putting as much effort in and went on the attack to cover up. she's probably also jealous of the relationship you have with pil. perhaps she feels she doesn't have such a good one.

one day, it might not hurt to just say to her when she starts rabbiting on about sahm's / wohm etc. 'are you saying my dc's don't have a strong, close relationship with me?'. just force her to acknowledge how unbelievably insensitive, rude and downright wrong she is. sounds like your dh will support you.

I agree with warthog that she probably feels stupid for not having done such a nice thing herself.

I would say as little as possible.

As for 'I don't have a sister in RL and was always hoping she could be like one to me but i just always feel like she thinks it's some competition ' I can so relate to that (and the Psychotic-SIL-Syndrome mentioned above ).

Have you tried not trying with her - how does she react then?

Good luck

op this is crap,
you are part of the family and you did a nice thing..she has a problem

As others have said you have done a realy nice thing.

Do not apologise again if she brings it up, just to her i'm sorry that you don't want to come with us, as it would have been nice for (insert inlaws names) for us to have very nice family meal/evening.

Make sure that your inlaws have the date asap so SIL cannot book something for the same weekend out of spite.

i really am bewildered by her response. Oddly, the most hurtful bit she said was "they are my parents, not yours" - which made me feel like it really wasn't my place to do anything nice for them.
I am very lucky to have a supportive DH. He would be really willing to stick up for me if need be, but i really don't want confrontation etc as my DD really loves her children (and they are lovely kids) and they are the only family they have here (my family is scattered all over).
I am determined not to apologise again. I have apologised enough. I will just try to be "normal" on my DD's birthday as much as i can. I guess i am a bit sad because i think this relationship is never going to be what i hope it would be.
Can it still be a competition when only one is actually competing (big sigh emoticon)

Warthog, it's actually the Waterside Inn, which is very near the Fat Duck. Never been before.
oh she already thinks i have severed my bond with my DD by going back to work. she said in the whole "don't really worry about her starting school as she is so used to you not being around anyway" type conversation - meant to reassure but really is a put-down.

Knackerdbutnice, she is being very silly. Who on earth would refuse a trip to a 3 Michelin star restaurant with overnight stay paid for??? She just lost an amazing dinner and stay. If I had that kind of offer I would take it and say 'thank you' very nicely indeed!!! What a lovely present!!!
As to the apology, you are right. You apologised once, that is enough.
As to the other comments, it sounds to me like she just uses you as a punchbag. Not everyone is nice. You are!

She sounds bloody horrible.

You did a lovely thing and I would be over the moon to have a SIL like you.

Definitely do not apologise again and make sure you get PIL's booked in for that date so that you can all have a lovely night.

Perhaps mention to SIL that they are still very welcome to come along, but you will leave it up to her to book her room and can she let you know by xxx date if they will be coming for the meal.

She obviously feels that she needs to compete because she is thoughtless and insensitive herself. If she just enjoyed the good things that you bring to the family then you two could do these things together and have a great relationship.

Sadly these people rarely change

But any further comments such as 'they're my parents not yours'.. I would respond with, 'well they are dh's parents too, he asked me to look into doing this, and if you have a problem please take it up with dh. Are you seriously saying dh is not allowed to arrange something for his own parents with the help of his wife without consulting you first?!!' for you. You sound lovely.

This sil sounds vile! She is virtually saying to you that you will NEVER be part of her family, and she is trying to make it so. I am glad that you PIL are so nice to you, otherwise you would be really isolated. I think you did a really nice thing, and I think it sohould actually be up to her to apologise to you for all the hurtful things she says.
BTW does she feel that her own DH is never going to be part of the family either?

I love the waterside inn, I will come if your SIL doesnt want to.

ah the waterside inn....

well you'll have a lovely time. maybe it's for the best that she doesn't come!

she sounds bonkers

I would give it to them from you and your dh!

(watch out the stairs up to the rooms smell of hamsters for some reason)