I don’t have a good mother

[Suzie2124]

I feel like a teenager writing this. I’m in my 30’s but have always grieved for the mother I never had. My mother is very cold and dismissive. She laughs at my problems. Has ended calls when I’ve phoned her crying as I cannot cope. I tried to go NC many times but she calls me and leaves countless messages saying I’m a horrible person for not talking to her and not to come to her funeral when she dies.

I wish I had a mother who loved my unconditionally and felt my hurts are her hurts. She is awful. She has never defended or stuck up for me ever in my life.

I’ve written another post about feeling overwhelmed in AIBU and outlined how alone I feel. Some people have commented I should leave DH as he is unsupportive. But I don’t think that will solve my problems. I feel broken. I feel if my mum hasn’t ever loved me how can anyone else love me

I'm sorry.

Maybe you would benefit from joining the Stately Homes thread?

It sounds like she does a good line in FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and finally letting go of that, and sticking with no contact might be best for you?

Go NC and actually do it this time

I have similar and therapy is really helping me, as is reading The Emotionally Absent Mother by Jasmin Lee Cori.

I've gone no contact with my mother for very similar reasons. My mother cut me off on a phone call (she apparently threw the phone across the room!) because I was upset (for a valid reason that anyone would feel very upset about). Yet a few days previously I'd had to listen to how upset she was that my poor sister had been crying because my sister couldn't find knee length boots that fitted her calves

There are hundreds of examples I could give and most much worse than that; I could bore you all to tears but that was my finally straw. It showed me what I'd always known deep down, that she was capable of compassion but selectively and I was never going to be the recipient.

Occasionally I question my decision but a memory of an incident of her lack of care for me will pop into my head, something that I could never have done to my own children, and I realise that it's the fantasy of the loving, supportive mother I miss not the reality of what I had.
Good luck