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Original poster

Would you forgive a family member for this?

29 replies

Givemeabreak88 · 07/03/2021 11:11

A few years ago I had a social worker turn up at my door unannounced as a referral had been made about me. I was pretty shocked as I could see no reason for the referral and I have no enemies and hadn’t fallen out with anyone. The social worker demanded to come in and see that my children were safe which she did, she told me she was a duty social worker and I would hear from another social worker to complete the assessment. At this point in my life I was having an on off relationship with my children’s father (we split up just before I found out I was pregnant but we were working on getting back together) anyway the social worker came and told me what the allegations were, all very shocking stuff and basically making out I was neglecting my children (I won’t go into too much detail as it would be outing) But I have an autistic child and the person said some things about her being unable to speak but didn’t mention that she had autism and was non verbal, it was painted as if it was through neglect and some other really weird and random allegations saying I had mental health issues (I don’t) and that I don’t answer the door if people knock, again not true and I proved that by answering the door to the unannounced social worker. But the report was full of lies I want to make that very clear it was a completely malicious referral which I managed to prove and the case didn’t go anywhere and was closed.

I had no idea who it was and I was struggling to trust people, my family ended up saying it was my ex and everyone was blaming him, this put doubts in my mind and I ended up thinking it was him. Anyway I was told by someone to ask for a copy of the referral which I did, however that answered who it was. It stated the caller was female claiming to be a family member! So of course I’m in a lot of shock now, to cut a long story short it turned out to be my own sister, we’ve always had a rocky relationship and she use to be abusive to me when we were younger but I had assumed we had made amends, however it’s been clear over the years she’s always looked down on me, she doesn’t like that I have 4 children and has been very vocal about it, she also doesn’t like that I don’t work, as I said my oldest child is autistic and I’m a full time carer for her but that’s never been good enough by her standards (she admitted it eventually) I believe she wanted to split me and my ex up as she never liked him and I think she wanted me to believe it was him. Of course I haven’t spoken to her since but it’s caused a huge rift in the family. She’s done everything she can to try to annoy me since (sending cards and presents to my house for my children on Xmas) trying to get my brother to be on her side same with my dad, she won’t let it go and doesn’t like that the family have not wanted anything to do with her after what she did. However recently my mum has said that we should all get together (obviously when allowed) to discuss why she did this and so she can answer to everyone why she did it. I’m not ok with that and I refuse to be in the same room as her. I’m not considering forgiving her and I could Absolutely never do that, but just wondering how others would feel in my situation? Or has anyone been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
Sahm101 · 07/03/2021 11:21

No I wouldn't. Your mum wants to get together for her benefit. What your dsis did really was vile.

wizzywig · 07/03/2021 11:23

Agree with the above. Looks like your mum is softening. Be prepared to lose contact with your family. She sounds awful

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 07/03/2021 11:24

Thank you, I don’t even want to hear her reason. No reason could be good enough, she admitted it in text messages to me but has denied it to family members (but they’ve seen the texts anyway) I should add when I found out she actually came round to my house kicking my door down with my kids in the house.

OP posts:
Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 07/03/2021 11:25

That’s what I worry about wizzywig as my sister is determined to get everyone on here side, she’s very manipulative and has tried to with my brother and dad.

OP posts:
Sakurami · 07/03/2021 11:27

She sounds unhinged, malicious and dangerous. I wouldn't want her around me or my children.

Itstimetoquit · 07/03/2021 11:27

Definitely not! Your sisters actions are disgusting! I could never/nor would I want to forgive her x

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/03/2021 11:30

No, your mother is suggesting that for her own reasons and does not have your interests at heart here by doing so.

Joint therapy with an abusive person is never recommended in any event.

ChameleonClara · 07/03/2021 11:30

I would have no contact ever again.

If you have no contact, she can never report you again.

NotSeenBulling · 07/03/2021 11:34

I would never forgive her and if she really did kick the door, I would get the police on to her pronto.

I agree with PP, your DMum is trying to keep the family together but that ship has sailed. It's good of her to have the summit meeting all the same but don't be involved.

Pickledpenguin · 07/03/2021 11:34

Absolutely fucking not. Shes a vile creature and you need to avoid her at all costs. What a nasty thing to do.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 07/03/2021 11:37

She came to my house and asked me to come out and fight her, I know I should have called the police but I didn’t because I knew that would be another ss referral and that would be what she wants. She hasn’t been back since but sent my kids some stuff at Xmas but I binned them.

OP posts:
Windinmyhair · 07/03/2021 11:39

Hell no.

No Way.

She didn't just do this to you - she could have affected your kids.

No fucking way.

Your mum can do what she likes, but I wouldn't be the same room as her, and I'm a bit soft who normally forgives a lot.

If she ACTUALLY gave a shit, and thought something was wrong, she should have talked to you, or your parents as a first step. The fact she made a referral to SS without this, just shows she is a malicious cow who is shit stirring.

I'd never see her again.

Windinmyhair · 07/03/2021 11:40

...and yes, police if she does it again.

Send presents back unopened. Don't give her the time of day.

PanamaPattie · 07/03/2021 11:40

Tell your DM that your sister is dead to you. You will never forgive her and if it means having no contact with your family - then so be it. Having a family meeting will just end up with everyone bullying you into forgiving your sister just to keep the peace. Fuck that.

Easterbunnygettingready · 07/03/2021 11:42

Keep her away op. Tell your dm you don't want her name mentioned in your earshot.. Or you will distance yourself from her..

EL8888 · 07/03/2021 11:44

No, l wouldn’t be forgiving that. She was out of order and doesn’t even sound sorry. Let’s pretend she was worried about your children (l doubt this is the case, it sounds like she was being deliberately malicious) then wouldn’t she try to give you support, assuming that she thinks you needed it? Has your mum challenged her about her behaviour? Or does she just want it sweeping under the carpet?

TalktotheFoot · 07/03/2021 11:46

Your mother wants to be able to sweep it all under the carpet, pretend it never happened, and play happy families. That's never going to happen, is it?

Does your mother actually know the whole story?

RestingPandaFace · 07/03/2021 11:57

Some things are so vile and malicious that the person doesn’t deserve a second chance.

If she’s admitted that the call was malicious and not misplaced concern then I would say this is one of those things.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 07/03/2021 11:58

Yes she does and there is a lot more to it but like I said very outing, my mum is a bit of a peace maker and I think she’s feeling pressure because my brother is saying look at the family it’s all torn apart, my mum has never spoken to her since she admitted it but I don’t think she quite understands the impact of it and how serious it was. If the report was believed my children could have been removed, she made some very serious allegations of neglect.

OP posts:
Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 07/03/2021 12:00

No no misplaced concern, she knows dd wasn’t talking because of her autism but she kept saying things like I’m just not trying hard enough, even after she was diagnosed she told me she isn’t really autistic because she can read and doesn’t wear nappies. I think she just wanted to make out that it was me that was the problem. Yet she’s diagnosed.

OP posts:
Monr0e · 07/03/2021 12:07

No, I would never forgive this. And if my dm was pushing me to, I would distance myself from her also. And tell her why.

If she chooses to forgive her, you can't do anything about it, but I would be telling her very clearly that it will never be an option for you and I she continues to bring it up you will shut down the conversation every time / stop engaging with your mum also

pickingdaisies · 07/03/2021 12:13

Don't do it. With the best will in the world, family conferences like that can get badly out of control and do a lot more harm. And your sister is not well intentioned, so that's a definite no.

lydia2021 · 07/03/2021 12:30

It does sound more like sibling rivalry than anything else. Its upsetting to have ss come round. But they have to follow guidelines when people report.. otherwise they get caned afterwards when theres a tragedy. You said it happened years ago. SS dont generally take kids away unless they are in danger. Yours clearly were not. Does your sister have kids or does she not. There could be jealousy as well. You dont need to forgive her, she made her choice at the time. I do know an older woman who has grankids. She says SS have done nothing to help the kids. And the kids start screaming when they know they are on their way to their father and stepmother. What kind of damage will these kids suffer as they grow up. SS in my opinion are useless and are hoodwinked by the father. A tragedy waiting to happen for her grankids. The gran has had ten years of this.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 07/03/2021 12:37

It was 3 years ago but of course I didn’t Know it was her straight away, it took some time to come to light as she denied it at first. I don’t believe they would have been taken, I know it takes a lot, and I could easily prove what was said was lies but it was just more the thought of it happening, and I’ve heard of ss taking people’s children whilst they investigate? Also what if I couldn’t prove it was lies and ss believed it? I also don’t see why else you would maliciously report someone if that isn’t your hope? What else are you hoping for otherwise? There is no rivalry on my side I’ve never done anything to her but we are the only two sisters so I guess that could be it, (4 brothers)

OP posts:
YoniAndGuy · 07/03/2021 12:47

I would never forgive this and would never want her within a mile of my children simply for their own safety and emotional health anyway - so what would be the point of any meeting?

I think you need to be very clear with your mother and brother that by pushing this, they'll never get you to reconsider, but they will put their own relationships with you and your family in jeopardy.

If they need to reconcile at some level, that's fine and it's their own business. But. If they cannot respect your decision to sever ties with someone who quite frankly tried to destroy you and your childrens' lives - then they are not on your side. The end. You need to tell them that, and tell them that the matter is closed, forever. You don't have a sister.