I've been reading MN for years, and remember about 7 or 8 years ago a woman posted something along the lines of, "My DH is my soulmate, because we chose to be each others soulmates. We've been through ups and down, financial problems, happy times, terrible times and every day we have chosen each other".
I remember thinking that sounded a lot like what love is. I digress a bit from what my actual question is, but given how practical MN contributors tend to be, I wanted to ask....
I think I met the right person when he wasn't ready. I think we fell in love, but he just wasn't ready to go "all in". I didn't really understand that at the time, but I remember being confused that everything was so great but he always seemed to be holding something back. In his words "I knew when we met that I wanted you, but I deep down knew I wasn't ready".
He was ten weeks out of a ten year relationship the day we met, so I suppose the timing was terrible in fairness, but beyond that I think he was carrying an awful lot of baggage and fear.
So about ten months into our relationship, he took a job opportunity thousands of miles away. I was really sad about that, but I remember thinking that I knew he wasn't ready and letting him go was the right thing to do for both of us. I certainly didn't want to get in the way of any dreams or ambitions he had. So I helped him pack his stuff, watched as the removers came, cried in airport departures at Heathrow and I let him go.
He told me recently he really hesitated and almost didn't get on the plane because his gut told him maybe he was making the wrong choice, but in the end he said practicality took over and he chose his career and something he felt was more safe. In his mind, relationships go wrong but you can always count on your career.
We ended things, but then never could quite let each other go, so over time we ended up texting every day and calling. He had a relationship with someone else in his office for about four months and we spoke a lot less and were much less intimate over that time, but he still pretty much messaged me every day. I actually don't think a day has gone by that he hasn't messaged me.
Perhaps I might have had a relationship with someone else too, but the whole lockdown situation made it tricky to go out and meet people. I've been through a lot over that period that's been tough too, and he was always there supporting me with it.
Last autumn, he phoned me up and said he realised I was the love of his life and that he regretted ever getting on the plane. He said he felt he had "run away" from life after he had found the right person and he had taken a lot of time to think it over and just couldn't picture any life he could ever be happy in where he wasn't married to me.
The woman he was with, he said, was nice to spend time with and was company but he wasn't in love with her, he was in love with me and no time of distance could ever change that, so he ended things with her after that conversation and flew several thousand miles to see me. He spent a few weeks with me and we had the best time.
When we'd been together he had always been guarded and holding something back, but after that he didn't anymore. He told me he loved me about 10 times a day whereas he could never say it before (it was implied), and he said he was completely certain about what he wanted and he was going to "fix his issues" and come home to me.
So we, again, kissed at the airport departures, and we spoke for hours every day and I think we are just about as in love as two people could possibly be. We just fit together and it feels like if ever two people were supposed to be together, it's us.
He contacted his old job here in the UK and told them he would like his job back please and told his current employer he will probably be leaving and they discussed recruiting a replacement. Adverts have been drawn up, plans started to be put in place. I was over the moon and he was really enthusiastic and excited.
He also addressed his fears in a few ways. He started reading a lot of "self-help books" that helped a lot and he identified a few things (fearful avoidant attachment) and also a lot of trauma from past relationships that were emotionally abusive. He also started counselling, and one of the first things he said was "I have realised I am scared of living".
All this sounds like a great story, and I was hoping (as he said when he came to visit) that a happy ending was coming my way, but we went off piste and now things seem lost again.
First, his old employer came back to him with a job offer. It was for considerably more money (which is great), but they were asking him to do a job that he would really hate to do. I stress the word "hate" is not an understatement, he really doesn't want to do that job. But he has the job offer in place if he wants it to start in October which would mean he could come home in the summer.
That situation sparked off a lot of anxiety in him. It would / could be very difficult for him to find another job very easily because what he does is very niche, there are few employers and there's obviously the ongoing Brexit / Covid situation so he thinks he will be stuck in a job he really hates and that he will be miserable.
This triggered off a lot of worries and negativity about the future. He kept going on about previous relationships that were awful and previous jobs he had hated and he was terrified of going through that again and taking a risk where all his chips were on me (what if I let him down? What if, what if what if). He would calm down and say "I realise our relationship is nothing like that and I realise I can always find another job and I am sorry for being so irrational", but he got himself worked up into a really negative state.
So we came to reach a problematic situation where he decided he should stay where he is and keep looking for a job (he is looking really hard but realistically it might take a month or it might take a year) and where I can't help feeling that if he were really in love he would just take the job (for now) and keep looking for a new one . Maybe my view is childish and romantic, but I always thought if a person really loved you then being with you would be the most important thing (am I wrong here?)
To give perspective on that, he has a very long notice period, so if he accepts the current job offer he would be home in around August and would start work in October so it would give him the option of either (a) finding another job between now and October and (b) just doing the job he hates for a little while whilst looking. A lot of friends said to me, "if he really loves you, he would NEED to come home and be with you, regardless of the job situation".
So I started to feel like that. He doesn't feel willing to "take the risk" and come home and he would rather lose me completely than do that. I struggle with how doing a job he doesn't like for a while could be worse than living without me and it's made me feel unloved. He has explained that doing a job he hated would massively affect his sense of security in himself and that his anxiety over it isn't manageable. I feel like that's a bit of a huge departure from the autumn when he said the only life he could ever imagine being happy in is with me.
I think, sadly, he is actually STILL not ready. I know him inside out, and the way he is being right now isn't really rational or logical, it's more like dealing with someone with an internal conflict. Harking back to the quote from MN at the start of my post, I feel like I just want him to choose to be with me no matter what, because if people don't choose that then what's the point.
So we have now come to the conclusion that I need someone who is ready to be in a life with me 100%, and he needs to find a job and "fix himself" before he can be that person and so we have decided to break contact. Heaven only knows how we will manage that but any tips on stopping contact with someone you're madly in love with would be helpful.
He sees this as a brief period where he has mental space to manage his anxiety, sort the job situation without feeling like he is failing me and work with the counsellor on why it is he finds this all so terrifying and that once he has done that he is "coming back for me" and that he still can't see any possible future that is with me, but he accepts the risk that I might be gone by then.
I see this as an end, because I feel like he didn't love me enough to not see me being "gone by then" as an unacceptable risk, then surely he can't be the man for me?
Has anyone got anything they can lend to this, in terms of if I am wrong in how I feel? Am I living in a fairytale world where nothing matters but being together, or do people who really love you sometimes just not have the capacity to give you what you need?
And most of all, down the road, if he ever does sort all this out, should I take him back and try again? I feel like he's broken my heart twice now. Once by leaving in the first place, and another by winning me back and then cowarding out when it mattered.