Triggered by DH *WARNING S.A. References*

[justilou1]

Sorry... It’s long, and it could be triggering.

I am going to start by saying that I was sexually assaulted when I was 14. I was given a drugged soft drink by a family member and beaten, humiliated and gang raped at a party 34 years ago. While I knew something bad happened, as I was very badly injured (needed surgery) I twisted the story into something else in my head so that I could cope better with it (despite the surgeon and the nurses questioning me repeatedly) and I did not report this, as my immediate family situation would have made it even more traumatic. (I would not have been believed, I would have had no agency over who my parents discussed this with, and they would have made this all about how it affected THEM... it would have been a great attention-garnering thing for them publicly, but in private, it would have been used to humiliate me further.) I began to have flashbacks about this when my babies were born, but it all really became clear when my parents died. (More trauma, so of course I couldn’t maintain my defenses any more.) I have been receiving therapy for C-PTSD as a result of this trauma. Anyhow, here in Australia, we have had four women allege that they have been raped and/or sexually assaulted while working at Parliament House, and one case has been in the media a lot. Our creepy, misogynist PM has been trying to cover it up, etc. Then we had another minister accused of the historic rape of a woman (1988 - when he was 17, she was 16. Both very drunk - underage). She went to the federal police for help, and they began an inquiry, then she decided to withdraw her claim citing mental health reasons, especially her “dissociative states” (the most common symptom of CPTSD). She then committed suicide, so the police closed the case and stated that there was no case against him. He has been forced out of anonymity and finally and spent about two minutes stating that “it did not happen” and that he was sorry for her family, and then 45 mins crying and talking about the affect this has had on his MH, and his career. He also stated that if someone can falsely accuse HIM of rape, then it can happen to anyone! (Dangerous, inflammatory statement.) This man is our highest-ranking law-officer. He is our Attorney General.

I was discussing how tone-deaf his “me, me, me” response was, and how triggering it was with my husband, whose first reaction was to say “Well, if it was ME who was falsely accused of raping someone...” and kept chucking HIS opinion at me!

I can barely look at him right now. One in three Australian women report being sexually assaulted. Even more don’t and less than 5% of the reported cases are proven to be false - because the act of reporting a rape is like being raped again and again by the interview process, etc. Most drop out. I am so disappointed in him. How can someone whose wife was raped, who claims to want to protect his two daughters, first reaction be one of thinking that the woman falsely reports the man for rape?

I'm sorry no one has responded before, OP. I get it. I've told partners in the past and their response has been appalling. In fact, I've rarely had what I consider an appropriate response.

I'd take a little time for yourself, get yourself to a slightly better place, then give him a letter. Tell him to take it away, read it and have a think.

In the letter point out his reaction was unhelpful, that his instinct to protect men should come second to his need to protect and support his wife and dds.

Of course false rape claims are terrible. They are a less urgent and less prolific problem than violence against women.

It's akin to worrying about the availability of grapes, in a house where people have nothing at all to eat.

Thank you... I have been fuming about this since Friday, actually. I just lost it at him. (May have called him an Empathy Tundra...😖) Meanwhile, I showed him a wonderful article written a year before this all kicked off, describing exactly how broken the system is here. (Not that I think it’s any better anywhere else, tbh - and probably worse elsewhere.)... I think he was very shocked.

I am so, so, so sorry for what happened to you. It never truly leaves us.

Being triggered by present events reminds us how painful the past events were, especially so when the person doing the triggering (or not recognising how painful the trigger is) is someone meant to be a safe person

Thanks, @youvegottenminuteslynn... I’m feeling a lot calmer. Just got through to my DH by explaining that his reaction made me feel like he wouldn’t believe me, (or even worse) either of our daughters if any of us came to him seeking help after a sexual assault, and because of that, how can I feel safe with him, or with him raising my daughters. He was stunned. I am angry that he can only relate to women he “owns” though. Honestly, until his first instinct is to believe first, I don’t think I will feel safe.

He has extrapolated from 'men can sometimes be falsely accused of rape' to 'I may be falsely accused of rape'.
He hasn't extrapolated 'women often get raped by men' to 'my wife and daughters could be raped' despite in your case that having happened.

He still sees rape and sex crimes against women as being unusual.

Yes, and that is such an issue.... btw, he was also SA as a kid, so also relevant.

Ah, so he's also keen to minimise frequency- it's safer to believe he and you were unlucky, rather than accept it's an endemic problem.

I think I’ve managed to get through to him with a very harsh report about how the system fails women who report SA, and how despite this, the statistics concerning women being raped in Australia is actually increasing at an alarming rate, and it shows the number of rape claims proven to be false was less than 5%. However, the most alarming thing that came from the report was that most women who go to the police state that their report was not processed as the police did not believe them. Hitting home to DH that misogyny is everywhere and our “good bloke” culture that makes his eyes grow soft is fucking toxic and dangerous for women.