When Dh and I first got together, he went on an 8 week lads holiday. Prior to him going he introduced me to his whole family, told me he loved me, encouraged me to contact him whilst away and we were exclusive.
When he came back he was a complete shit and I was going to leave him. The night i was going to leave he told me he couldnt live without me, you know the drill, so i stayed. Not long after he got back he had an std, he swore black and blue he didnt cheat on his holiday, i caught said std, but again being young and naive, i fell for his bullshit. He swore his ex gave it to him, so was sort of believable.
Fast forward a year i find a photo of him in bed with a women from the trip. Tears and denials ensure from his end, begging me to stay, telling me he would never do that to me and again I believed him. Looking back i was an idiot, but thats beside the point.
Fast forward a few years and everything seems ok, we continue in the relationship and move in together. Over the years i make a lot of sacrifices for then DP to my detriment. I have a whole host of self esteem issues due to childhood abuse, so my boundaries haven't always been the best.
Throughout a 10 year span, i have suspicions that Dp isnt what he seems, porn use, the usual shit behaviour women put up with (god knows why). The sex becomes pretty non existant and again i begin to think this doesnt seem right. I question wether he is seeing someone, wether he has ever cheated, he swears on Dcs 1s life, nothing has ever happened.
I stupidly marry him and life goes on.
He goes from being self employed to working for a company and starts going away for work,so has plenty of opportunity to stray.
Our second Dc is born,( heaven knows how i conceived )and after a difficult pregnancy, i find he is back to the porn use and still wont come near me. We have it out and the usual i love you, cant live without you is thrown about and i stay.
The bastard was using my old phone and due to his so called guilt, threw it away. It had years worth of photos of Dc 1, that had never been backed up. To say i was furious was an understatement.
Now to a few weeks ago, i finally decided after a 20 year relationship i had had enough of his bullshit, i am not sure i love him anymore and the intimacy is gone. I boot him out and he goes to his parents.
A week later he comes to our house and one thing leads to another and he stays the night. The next morning i ask once again has he ever cheated, not expecting him to come clean. He finally admits after 20 years he cheated when we first got together with you guessed it the girl in the photo. I am absolutely the most furious i have ever been. I cannot believe this pos could keep this lie up for 20 plus years, give me an std and be ok.
As you can imagine i have gone mental at him and things from my end beyond repair. He is now professing his undying love, swears that was the only time and wants to go to counselling. I am apparently the love of his life....
So in between being fucking furious and not trusting the prick, i am struggling to believe this was a one off,despite his proclamations it was.
He swears he was scared of losing me so could never tell me(cheating is my deal breaker) i feel like such an idiot but i go between wanting him back and wanting to never see him again. Until his revelation I was convinced our marriage was dead, now I am so confused, i dont know what to do. I just cannot believe someone could lie for that long, what the hell is wrong with him? And how the hell can i ever trust him again? Apologies for the epic post.