The WORST bit right now

[dinochum]

The actual hardest thing to cope with about him walking out and leaving me with a new baby and a preschooler? The night wakes. I expect them from the baby of course but my preschooler ha had some really disturbed nights and keeps joining us too and that’s fine.

But. Every time I wake the realisation crashes over me again and I get a hit of grief 4-8 times a night.
It's been 9 weeks.

Anyone else?

That sounds so hard OP, just wanted to send and say you're doing an amazing job although I have no words of wisdom. I was raised by a single mum and we are incredibly close now, in contrast to the relationship with my father. Your ex partner is missing out on it all.

That sounds awful. What a dick he was to walkout. Do you have anyone who could stay with you and help at night?

Do you have any anger you can draw upon, OP, for strength? It must be very hard. How could he?

That sounds awful OP, I am so sorry

What an arsehole he is. What kind of man walks out on his partner, new baby and little child.

I don't know what to say to help but the night wakings that must be so horrific for you (middle of the night is the worst time to be alone with your thoughts) are comforting for your preschooler to come in with you and cuddle up with mummy.

I have no words of wisdom but you sound like an amazing mum and I hope things look up for you soon.

You poor woman, you need help, have you any family that can come to stay ot help, you need a break.

What an utter bastard for leaving you at this time, talk to your health visitor, chase him for child maintenance and get in place his child care responsibilities.
Do not try to do this all on your own.

What an utter waste of space he is, does his mother know how much of a wanker he is ?

Sorry. Still "here"

His parents don't recognise him. I've finally started talking with them and they don't recognise the person he is currently.

I have a wonderful and supportive family. Friends too, both those who have been here, those who are where I wish I was (perfect family) people who know is both and people who are my friends... and I have, these last few days, started to tell people what's happened and going on rather than hiding my shame, covering for and protecting him.

I am ashamed. I'm embarrassed. And I'm so so sad.

Do not be ashamed and embarrassed, the fault is all his.

You need to get child maintenance sorted and fixed hours for him seeing the children.
You are right to tell others and gain their support, you need mental and physical help, its very draining as you know with young children and you also have the shock of this on top of everything.

Sending hugs, strong lady

Im not in your situation but im used to night waking and having really dark thoughts or feeling despairing about having no sleep. What helps me the most is saying affirmafions to myself. It can be anything! And id never do this in the day time but it does help calm me alot. For example say to yourself "Im a beautiful woman and amazing mum". "The children will go to sleep eventually", "im strong and can do anything". "I know exactly what to do". "Im the best mum to my kids". Anything like this really helps me. Hope it helps you xx

He had my babies today. I cried, expressed and did laundry for the three 3 hrs he had my 7mth old. He has the 4yr old overnight. I am so sad she is not here.

I am so sad.

to you. It's so tough for you atm. It will get better. Take any and all support you can

Have you got regular contact with the children set up with him?

I'm pleased to hear your family are supportive, the early years are unbelievably hard but it will get better.

Remember you are a remarkable lady doing this on your own.

What you are feeling OP will come in waves. The nights are the worst because sleeping is the only time you are free from the hurt. You are going through a lot of hurt and a lot of pain. You may miss him, you may want him back. But remember someone who chooses to walk away from you and your children was never meant for you. Dont put him on a pedastal like he is god. Hes not. Go through the waves of pain. Embrace them and each time you go through them think to yourself each time they come along thats me further along the road of healing. Its good you have friends and family to support you. Use them when you need to. Weekly, daily, if they offer to help cook, clean, babysit accept the offers. Sleep as much as you can. Rest when you can. Start to concentrate more on you, your babies. Before long he will start to fade. Even though the sleepless nights are mainly due to the LO's this will not last forever and neither will any remaining feelings for him. Come through all of this the other side and you will be stronger, wiser. It wont matter what the world, life, or any other man throws at you because you have been through and survived the most unbearable pain now. Better things are waiting for you my lovely. I promise.

@Onthedunes

Have you got regular contact with the children set up with him?

I'm pleased to hear your family are supportive, the early years are unbelievably hard but it will get better.

Remember you are a remarkable lady doing this on your own.

Regular with the 4 yr old. Twice a week. It will need to change when he comes off furlough and again when she starts school.

Regular enough with the baby. She's now 7 months.

@Magicpaint

What you are feeling OP will come in waves. The nights are the worst because sleeping is the only time you are free from the hurt. You are going through a lot of hurt and a lot of pain. You may miss him, you may want him back. But remember someone who chooses to walk away from you and your children was never meant for you. Dont put him on a pedastal like he is god. Hes not. Go through the waves of pain. Embrace them and each time you go through them think to yourself each time they come along thats me further along the road of healing. Its good you have friends and family to support you. Use them when you need to. Weekly, daily, if they offer to help cook, clean, babysit accept the offers. Sleep as much as you can. Rest when you can. Start to concentrate more on you, your babies. Before long he will start to fade. Even though the sleepless nights are mainly due to the LO's this will not last forever and neither will any remaining feelings for him. Come through all of this the other side and you will be stronger, wiser. It wont matter what the world, life, or any other man throws at you because you have been through and survived the most unbearable pain now. Better things are waiting for you my lovely. I promise.

Thank you.

I'm trying to kick the pedestal over but it's hard. He left and I didn't see it coming and I can't turn off loving him. Despite the abuse he was inflicting I could reason excuse and justify everything.

Nobody expects to need a plan B do they? 😔

Nine weeks is still very very early days. It is still so very raw. One step at a time. One day at a time.
Make plan B the best plan for you and your childrens future.
For the time being your grieving a loss, raising your children and trying to juggle housework, bills, keeping a roof over your heads- so much pressure. But never go back. Not to anyone who abuses you. Your worth so much much more and so are your babies.

Hello OP. I just wanted to echo an earlier poster: my dad walked out on my mum, me and my siblings when I was 3. My mum raised us on her own while he pranced about like a twat. I'm 37 now, and me and my mum have the most amazing relationship. We're incredibly close and I love and respect her so much. I speak to my dad maybe twice a year. I don't actually feel that sad for me about it because as I said, he's a twat - I feel sad for him for missing out on me and my siblings.

You will get through this. And you're going to have an incredibly special bond with your children because of it. (I hope that doesn't sound patronising or weird - it's just the way it is with me and my mum, and I know part of our bond is down to my childhood with her as my sole parent.)

Oh OP, it must feel so tough now but it will absolutely get better. Trust the advice you have on here, summon your strength. Easy to say and hard to do but in a year from now you’ll be a different person.
Good luck xxx

You have so much to be proud of op

You are doing all the right things bringing up your beautiful babies, people will always admire you for that, especially going it alone.

What does he have? A ruined reputation, people will always remember he walked out on his very young family, a useless man with no backbone, no sense of duty or loyalty to the children he created.

His name is mud, see I can't stand him and I don't even know him.

You are a