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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Grrr inlaws

13 replies

Mistlewoeandwhine · 06/03/2021 23:15

Right, firstly I know I need to give my head a wobble. I really do. But please allow me to vent here as I can’t do it elsewhere without sounding like a twat.
Every since we had our second child and SIL had her (only) child, MIL has been dreadful. She compared our children constantly, clearly preferring her own DD’s child and could not hold or take any interest in ours. I know they have secret holidays together etc etc. My children started to refer to other child as Granny’s Child as she talked so much about them, they got confused and thought it was her own child. It was so bad that we wrote her a letter telling her we’d had enough and that we didn’t want her spending time with my GC simultaneously as she was being unkind to our child. SIL got hold of the email before MIL could read it, said it was hurtful and reworded it all and sent it on. We haven’t had much to do with her since. She is a control freak.
Anyway, we haven’t seen any of them during lockdown and the kids have only heard from their grandparents once. This year both little ones had to choose their secondary schools. Suddenly we hear from everyone that other GC has got into a (non academic) private school. This is being presented as a wonderful success. I don’t care and am glad for the child. Our other child is also at a similar school so we aren’t jealous. However my younger child has passed the 11+ and got into a super selective grammar. They worked very, very hard for it. In laws are presenting the two achievements as equal. But they really aren’t. I won’t say anything. And there is no point anyway but I’m sad that yet again my child (who is very nice and loving) is having their hard work ignored.
Like I said, I won’t say anything but my kids are great. I just wish they could be lived for who they are. In laws have never bought them an Easter egg, taken them to the park, even sat and properly talked to them. My parents live on the other side of the world so they don’t get anything.

OP posts:
BoyTree · 07/03/2021 02:04

You've accepted that they have no interest in treating your children equally so I think you need to stop getting involved in their drama for your own sanity. They aren't going to change, so you need to change the way you deal with it which may be to disengage. It sounds very hurtful, so protect yourself from them.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/03/2021 02:19

They have you.

And FWIW well done to your child Cake

PurpleMustang · 07/03/2021 08:41

Well I honestly wouldn't worry too much. It sounds like you and DH are on the same page about it all. Your kids seem fairly grounded in the situation. As long as your kids are confident with you as parents and don't see it as a competition and that they are not good enough. She is going to lose out at the end of the day, leave her too it. And congrats on how well your kids are doing

Aimee1987 · 07/03/2021 08:54

While having close grandparents can be nice for a child is is not necessary for a well rounded happy kid as you have clearly shown with yours. On the flip side of that when extended family have a toxic effect on the child you were right to distance them. I never got Easter eggs or birthday / Christmas presents from my grandparents. I dont think that's a big deal.

Try to put it out of your mind, they have a loving family ( mum and dad) and what the in laws think is of little relevance. I would just continue to minimise interactions

Mistlewoeandwhine · 07/03/2021 09:19

Thanks everybody. I just needed to let off some steam xx My kids are oblivious to it all.

OP posts:
NeverMetANiceOne · 07/03/2021 09:23

Can you distance yourselves further? It's going to hurt every time something like this happens so you need to find a way to cope with it. I say this because I am in a similar position, every time my family do it, it's fresh pain, I'm trying to find a way to cope.

Mistlewoeandwhine · 07/03/2021 12:23

MIL has done and said some really crass things in the past. I’d be happy never to see any of them again but DH wants to keep a low key relationship with them.

OP posts:
Easterbunnygettingready · 07/03/2021 12:29

I was in a very very similar situation op.. I backed away and took my dc with me. Before the favouritism became obvious.. Mil finally got sil to agree to stay away so we could visit.
For 3 hours a week...
After 3.30 til 5 Tues and Thursday after school.. For years that was the extent of the relationship.. Until me and dh split. Then the dc were old enough to pop in when ex had them.
See them occasionally now ds is an adult. They have really rewritten history.. I bite my tongue for ds..

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/03/2021 12:37

He can do that if he wants but you certainly do not have to follow in his wake and nor should you.

If parents or relatives are too difficult, batshit or otherwise toxic for you to deal with, it’s the same deal for your children as well.

His sister is and remains the golden child. This is also not a role without price either though she is unaware of this. Your husband is the scapegoat in his family of origin and also seems very much mired in his own fear, obligation and guilt re his parents. He even as an adult seeks their approval but it is something they will never give him. His own inertia when it comes to his mother hurts him as much as you people as his family now and indeed as is usual here, your kids have been scapegoated too.

He may or may not have an epiphany when it comes to his mother but I would ask him to read the website entitled Out of the Fog. I would also think that your children are more aware about this than either of you think, they have indeed noticed that their cousins are far more favoured.

Easterbunnygettingready · 07/03/2021 13:26

My(now ex) sil had 6 x dc and ils provided free childcare for all of them. Mil had retired.. Fil did voluntary work after an accident at work...
Just heard this week that sil hasn't contacted ils for the majority of Covid despite living streets away.
Fall out about the same time ils joked their new kitchen was coming out of their inheritance pot...

Anordinarymum · 07/03/2021 13:41

I was in a similar situation OP but it was my mother and my sibling's children that she preferred hands down to mine.

She was not interested in them full stop. She compared them to her other grandchildren all of the time. They were brighter and funnier and blonde. My children are mixed race.
If one of mine achieved something such as a swimming badge and I told her she instantly brought the other grandchildren into the conversation steering the topic away from mine, so I stopped telling her anything.
When the local paper had an article regarding schools in the area and there was a photo of one of my children on the front page, she would have seen it but never said a word. It used to hurt. Then when she made the mistake of calling my two year old son stupid I decided enough was enough and I went NC. My children are beautiful and have grown up to be really nice adults with children of their own.
The older two still remember 'Granny' and how unpleasant she was to them.
I took the decision that she could be as horrible as she wanted to me when I was a child but she was not going to get the opportunity to do it to mine. I should have cut her off much sooner but I kept holding out for a change of heart.
Some people are their own worst enemy and don't know it. Things like this are made worse when other family members let it continue to happen saying 'you know what she is like' but then it's not their child on the receiving end of the nastiness.

Go NC, you will feel better. Your children are worth more than this.

elfycat · 07/03/2021 14:04

I'm NC with my PIL but the last time DH took out DDs to see them (the only time they saw them last year because - lockdown) MIL got 10yo DD2 alone and had a go at her, culminating in her being rude 'just like your mother'.

Their relationship was never close, because DH is scapegoat child and we all got tarred with that brush. Our successes never mattered as much as SIL's. Not that I wanted to get involved in that dynamic and went NC when their bullying escalated after I had the DC. All I asked of DH is that they never bully our DC, or bad mouthed me to them. More fool them for even trying it on with DD2.

DH accepts that DDs can go NC if they wish to - it's breaking his heart - and we are validating their experience. DDs do not suffer for not seeing them, or regret the loss of this family connection. They accept in a matter of fact way that these are people we choose not to have in our lives because twats because we haven't tried to attach any emotional obligation to this biological connection.

Walk away. Go NC. Validate your DC's experiences of these people. Tell your children they are better than second-class cousins. Say to them that some people are just odd - pity that thy were in your family. Teach them to expect better in all relationships.

Mistlewoeandwhine · 08/03/2021 16:07

Thanks for all the replies. They have bolstered me to speak to my husband regarding all the toxic behaviour that is coming from my in laws. He has agreed that we need to keep them at arm’s length and be very low contact with them

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