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Original poster

Bf doesn’t want sex

53 replies

DoBeesEatPizza · 06/03/2021 23:06

Thoughts please:
Been together 10 months. Both mid-30s. We get on really well, have similar views on things and aims in life. But we haven’t had sex in 5 months. About 6 weeks ago, I talked to him about it and he said he hadn’t realised. Since then, nothing has changed. I’m getting a bit fed up and feeling unwanted. He’s happy enough for me to “lend a hand” when he asks but never reciprocates, and is happy to have a cheeky wank when I’m downstairs. I’ve given up initiating now because he either falls asleep or just ignores me. And I don’t want to be a sex pest.

This is dead, isn’t it?

OP posts:
theleafandnotthetree · 07/03/2021 11:04

He'll hardly be surprised surely. I find this very odd I must say. Unless you both met on a website for asexuals, then surely it is as normal to expect to have sex. Physical attraction, the desire to be intimate with the other is THE defining feature of the couple relationship. Otherwise it'd be like being a priest and not believing in God

optimistic40 · 07/03/2021 11:08

The fact that you spoke about it six weeks ago, so he knows you would like sex, but instead he TAKES from you (lending him a hand as you said) but offers you nothing..! He is a selfish man.

oohmama · 07/03/2021 11:08

But even if he says he will change,
He will make the effort,
And have 'maintenance sex' to keep you happy

Would you be happy with that? You know the desire and passion isn't there so it would be forced and fake?

You deserve sooo so much better
You really do, you're so young

Dump, move on and go and get someone who wants to shag you like you deserve to be shagged girl!

Good luck x

Monr0e · 07/03/2021 11:42

It's been 10 months, and for 5 it's been platonic not romantic.

The conversation doesn't need to be difficult, just say thus relationship isn't meeting your needs / isn't what your looking for and go your separate ways.

partyatthepalace · 07/03/2021 11:45

Yes dead.

EL8888 · 07/03/2021 11:47

Time to get rid. Especially the additional details about how selfish he is. You can do better than this

Susie477 · 07/03/2021 11:48

Yep, it’s dead as a dodo. You’re mates, not lovers.

If it was 10 years in and you had kids, I would say work at it together, get counselling etc etc. But a sexless relationship after 10 months? Bugger that. Get rid, move on.

SoulofanAggron · 07/03/2021 11:57

Bad enough that there's been no sex for over half the relationship.

To me it's worse that he's selfish and can't be arsed to do anything to help you out sexually.

It's like one I went out with. We had bad impotence sex resulting in him having an orgasm at last.

I handed him my wand toy and said 'this is my wand toy, you can use it on me if you like.'

He said 'oh, is that what it is, I thought it was a microphone' and dropped it back down the side of the bed. Shock

I wouldn't bother having a conversation about it I don't think.

goody2shooz · 07/03/2021 11:58

Nothing worse than a selfish man - happy if you ‘lend a hand, and have a ‘cheeky wank while I’m upstairs’ omg do NOT put up with this. Actions speak louder than words! You’ve had a conversation, nothing has changed, the only sensible option is to simply end it it. If you want a sex life, but have no sex this soon in a relationship it is doomed.

Redtartanshoes · 07/03/2021 12:08

Every time you have sex in the back of your mind you’ll
Be thinking “he’s only doing this to keep me happy...” that will kill your libido

Anothernick · 07/03/2021 14:37

Wow - you say a man in his 30s went 5 months without sex and didn't think anything was wrong!? At that age even 5 days should seem too long. As others have said, this relationship is not going to last.

MiniTheMinx · 07/03/2021 16:45

No idea yet. I’ll bring up the issues and see where it goes, while being prepared for this to be the end

In all likelihood he will make promises he can't and won't keep.

He likes you to give him a hand......he's a lazy porn addled waste of your time.

You deserve better than being second best to dolly does dallas.

Skyla2005 · 07/03/2021 17:12

Yes it is

user1471538283 · 07/03/2021 21:50

I would get rid. The first year is supposed to be amazing! It's something to look back on when you're both exhausted or he is eating too loudly or you're sick of him banging on about shit and remember how good it was! This isnt that.

CarnationCat · 07/03/2021 21:55

Definitely get rid. You both want different things.

Cockenspiel · 07/03/2021 21:57

B’jesus, dump him already!

You will feel SO much better without this (actual) wanker. Grin

Dery · 07/03/2021 22:00

“It's been 10 months, and for 5 it's been platonic not romantic.

The conversation doesn't need to be difficult, just say thus relationship isn't meeting your needs / isn't what your looking for and go your separate ways.”

This.

SparklingLime · 07/03/2021 22:08

@Borntohula

A guy posted the other day that his gf had gone off sex and was pretty much flamed and advised that he had done something to put her off so I'm interested to see the responses here...
This woman hasn’t had sex in five months, but her BF is happy to have her wank him off, no reciprocation. Just how does this compare with that guy?
GettingItOutThere · 07/03/2021 22:12

please take my advice and end this now. I wasted many years with a man who just wasnt interested.
best years of my life gone.
dont be that person. end it. it will never get better, might do for a week or two but you will grow resentful and it will be horrific. leave.

ConfusedHR · 07/03/2021 23:04

So many men like this

Why?

justasking111 · 07/03/2021 23:11

@ConfusedHR

So many men like this

Why?

I wonder if it because we now have expectations of enjoyment and want a certain standard of attention to our needs, which they are not comfortable with. Maybe because they have out dated expectations of behaviour, maybe they are just lazy and really just need a pliant hole in the mattress so to speak.
ekidmxcl · 07/03/2021 23:13

This is how it will be forever. Make the choice - can you live like that or not?

Twobirdsinatree · 07/03/2021 23:19

oh my god please leave... this won't get better and it doesnt sound like he even thinks there's a problem or wants to discuss it. From experience this won't get better, you are sexually incompatible. Cut your losses and move on if sex is important to you.. and you have a right to sex being important to you in a relationship. Its just as important as any other type of compatibility. If that side of it isnt working for you then move on.

nicewheels · 07/03/2021 23:19

Sex is such a major way for a couple to be intimate, whenever the sex has tailed off for me in a relationship then I know that the relationship is dead.
I hope so mange to finish with him, life's too short to accept this after 10 (5) months

JovialNickname · 07/03/2021 23:23

Not having sex for 50% of the time you've been together, in your mid 30s, is strange, sorry.

Assuming you haven't made the permanent decision to leave already so are up for working it out, what are the good things about the relationship, from his point of view? Is he someone that's just very into romantic rather than physical love? Hate to say it, but you wouldn't perchance be really looking after him in terms of housework, or financially supporting him, would you?

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