Not sure if I’ve done the right thing

[GlassHalfFull10]

DH of 10 years, 3 young DC. He’s always had a ‘temper’ which in the early couple of years I laughed off. Since we’ve had children it’s just got worse to the point of raging and aggression at absolutely ridiculous things, talking to me like shit if he’s frustrated and general huge lack of respect. Hes also very grumpy. He’s kicked off a few times really badly in the last few weeks including in front of the children which I just can’t accept, raised voice, swearing. The last time I told him it was his last chance but I don’t think he thought I really meant it even though I slept in spare room for a week.
It happened today over something tiny. I got the kids out the door, got in the car and we are in a hotel. I honestly didn’t know what else to do or where to go... too much?

He’s quite shocked I’ve done this, is very sorry but is angry I’ve taken the children to a hotel in Covid. I just felt I had to do something to make him
Realise I truly can’t live like this.

You did the right thing. You know it yourself that our cant go back to that situation. Its time to move on.

You have done the right thing. His behaviour is totally unacceptable. To remove yourself and your children from an angry man who cannot control his temper is absolutely the right move. So sorry you are having to go through this.

Hi @GlassHalfFull10 , how are you?

You definitely did the right thing. Are you still in the hotel?

Wait so he is sorry -

But he is still angry

This time about kids in a hotel during covid

Come off it the kids will be having fun in the hotel & he is just a sad sack at home.

The irony of him being sorry yet still angry at you...

Thanks everyone. We came home Sunday morning. I’d have stayed but we had no belongings with us and the kids are back at school today. I had to buy Pyjamas and underwear.

I’m not sure where to go from here. He said he’s going to look into anger management so I’ll see if that happens today. He didn’t really say anything yesterday but the kids were around so it was difficult!

Yes they loved the hotel, it was a huge adventure... I just felt sick at things going that far!

Hi love. I was a DV advisor for years. This isn't going to change. Its who he is. And you're right, its affecting the children.

My advice for you is to ring your local DV advisors and have a risk assessment and safety plan put together, tailored to your situation. You can then make plans. But staying and hoping for the best is just wasting time I think. How do you feel about splitting up?

You absolutely did the right thing, taking them to a hotel, and getting them out of the situation. I know everyone has their moments when it all gets too much, but I couldn't put up with this man. Nor should you have to. You've got 3 children already.
Issue an ultimatum. He sorts help today, and goes through with it. The next time this happens, he is in the hotel, not you.

I also could not live with a misery. Life's too short. And speaks to you like shit ?? No way, absolutely unacceptable.

HI

Please take heed of what something2say has written here; what this poster has written is bang on.

Your mistake here in the early years was to laugh his temper off. Why did you do that?. Did you see a similar dynamic between your own parents, what did you learn about relationships when you were growing up.

What is your H like around other people?. My guess is all sweetness and light and he's probably the sort too who swoops in and helps. He does not treat work colleagues like you people as his family are treated so he can control himself. I would also add that anger management courses are themselves no answer to domestic violence which is what you have also described here. Your H has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you have rightfully called him out on his unreasonable behaviour. Abusive men are angry because they are abusive, not because they are angry.

Would suggest you seek legal advice re planning your divorce from this man before your children further learn damaging lessons on relationships. It would also be a good use of your time to contact Womens Aid.

Thank you. It’s so hard to hear all of that. I do agree with you and think I’ve minimised it in my head over the years.

I laughed it off initially because genuinely I didn’t really understand it and thought it was just a funny personality quirk. All of his family are ‘hot heads’ but what I didn’t realise over time (and as it’s got worse) is the impact in the home. My parents were not like this, they are gone now and I don’t have other family I can confide in.

I absolutely don’t want to split up. I do love him in many ways but ultimately I have to consider my life long-term and the children. I feel so so sad.

Thank you for the replies. It means a lot.

Take it steady then. But you probably need to devise a plan to minimize the impact of his outbursts on your self and the children. He wont safeguard you, you'll have to do it.

I think the outbursts have to stop and he will have to change his mindset completely. Otherwise we will have to split.

I haven’t asked him about anger management but it will be telling if we get to the end of today and nothing has been done about it.

He didn’t really say anything yesterday but the kids were around so it was difficult

You're making excuses for him. Think about the reason you had to take the kids away from him. He doesn't really feel the need to filter what he says to protect their delicate ears, really, does he.

He didn't say anything yesterday because he didn't want to.

So true Eckhart

Please don’t expose your children to this man and teach them that it’s ok for women to be treated like this. I don’t really think you have any option BUT to seperate. You should ask him to leave (with police support). If he wants help he should get this while not exposing your children to abuse.

If he cared about the well-being of his family more than himself, he would not choose to expose you to this.