Help needed (self harm) TRIGGER WARNING

[Abitlost99]

I've never posted before but have followed this board for years, and would really value your advice, especially from anyone who has self-harmed or who have children who have self-harmed.

My lovely 13 year old daughter has been been cutting herself on her arms and legs. We're close, and I can talk to her about it (plus she is close to a TA at school, and can talk to her). However, she can't seem to stop, and her arms are a mess of cuts. It seems to be getting worse and I don't think she'll be able to go back to the sport activities that she loved, prior to lockdown, because of this.

Please can anyone advise me of things I should be doing, or things I should avoid doing? Or things that worked in your situation, if you have experience of this.

Please be kind

I don't have experience with this, but I feel for you, you must be worried sick. You could maybe get in touch with someone like Mind for support and advice for your dd and how best to support her? www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-harm/why-people-self-harm/

Try www.selfharm.co.uk and https://www.selfinjurysupport.org.uk/ for advice

Hi OP,

I’m really sorry to hear you are going through this situation and I feel very sad for your daughter. I was her at that age and last harmed myself at 24, due to coming out of abusive relationship.

First thing, it’s great you have such a good relationship with her that she can talk to you and also the TA. Do you know why she’s that upset she’s doing it? Has she got a counsellor? If not, that’s the first step to helping her.

You mention she won’t be able to do sports again? Why do you feel this? Is it because of the scars she has, if so, she certainly can do these sports even with showing her cuts. I get some looks sometimes but unless someone is completely pig ignorant, most don’t say anything or ask about them as it has nothing to do with them.

I admit, I self medicated with alcohol to stop cutting which is obviously not the way to go. I have some friends that would have an elastic band on their wrist and ping it when feeling the urge and it seemed to work for them. Other ways are to distract with something she really enjoys when she feels the urge. Please do look into counselling though as it helped me massively throughout my teen years and fingers crossed, I’ve finally got past harming myself due to having a person I could talk to that I was impersonal.

One more tip, buy some bio oil. It won’t get rid of the scars but it’s definitely reduced the appearance of them.

I wish all the luck to you and your daughter and I know you will both get through this, you sound an amazing mam!

I have seen the most horrendous self harm marks from where I work.

Suggested to me by one of these girls was an elastic band round the wrist, not too tight.

Everytime she feels the urge she snaps the band on her wrist, it gives a sting which stays for a while and might just be enough to give her that hit.

Then you can work out the why

My daughter self-harmed in her early teens. She was being bullied by her peers because she was openly gay. I got a referral to CAMHS and she had some pretty intensive counselling. The counsellor she saw gave her lots of coping strategies and distraction techniques around the cutting.

She stopped cutting after a while, and (happy ending alert) and is now a happy and healthy 29 year old with a wife, and 2 little boys. She works in teenage mental health herself now.

I'm also not sure why she wouldn't be able to go back to sport, there may be another very good reason, but if not, sport can be such a positive outlet and an alternative to self-harm. More socialising (with positive friends obviously), constructive outlets like sports or something else which feels productive and good for her, and there are coping mechanisms to help you deal with self-harm. DBT (dialectical behaviour therapy) is great although can be expensive and hard to find, and apparently CBT can also be helpful.

I don't think she'll be able to go back to the sport activities that she loved

I think you should really encourage and support her to go back - maybe wearing long sleeved sports tops if she's self-conscious? If there's a uniform rule, worth talking to school beforehand perhaps? The sport she loves and exercise would be so beneficial for her MH.

Look up 'safer self harm' online x one strategy as an alternative to cutting (or an elastic band which is often not painful enough) is nipping the skin as hard as possible. The self harm serves a function for her and that needs to be continued until the root of it is resolved. You'll be waiting forever to get into CAMHS so if at all possible I'd try and see a private clinical psychologist. Check they're registered with the HCPC. Good luck OP XX

I think the immediate concern is finding a replacement for the cutting - other people find the elastic band trick useful, although it wasn't strong enough for me and I had to find something that hurt momentarily but didn't leave a wound. I won't go into what I did here because it isn't without risk, but you can search online on self harm help forums. Odd as it sounds, it was also helpful to use a red Sharpie to draw on my arm where I would normally have cut, just so there was "something there".

The important thing that you have to tackle then is what the root cause is. Has your DD been able to articulate what triggers the cutting? Does the urge come on after a particular type of occurrence or does she experience a recognisable feeling beforehand? She might not have thought much about it but it is worth encouraging her to do so. In the meantime, I think you'll want to get a referral for a CAMHS appointment, or see a psychologist privately if that's an option for you. CBT will help her to explore what's causing this but she can prepare herself for it by giving some thought to her feelings and what she thinks is bothering her. Good luck to you both - it's a very lonely compulsion and I was never able to speak to my family about it for fear that they'd think I was "crackers", so it's great that your DD is letting you help.

I echo the elastic band. My DD started self harming at 13, and is still in Counselling under CAMHS. Thankfully she stopped around 15, but mental health isn't good. A LOT of talking, and being completely open about her feelings, and mine, helped massively. It was a minefield. I can't offer any good advice on here really, as it maybe outing, but feel free to DM me. You're not alone