How do I go about divorcing someone

[JessMaggs]

Hello,

Going to try and keep this short. I've been with my husband for 12 years - married for a couple.

We've been unhappy for quite some time, he has too. We both admitted this a year or so ago.

I know divorce shouldn't be something you jump into, I have been thinking about this for a long time. I felt dread and was sick on my wedding day, I knew I was making a mistake and tried to speak to my parents who brushed it off as nerves. I ended up believing this too.

We argued on our honeymoon, our intimacy died when we purchased our first home together and completely phased out when we got married. I've brought this up on a few occasions (it means more to me than it does him) and he gets angry and defensive. Ends up walking away from me.

It stems from a difference in opinion on parenthood. I still want to focus on my career. I told him before we got married I wasn't sure if I ever wanted children. Unfortunately we had an accident before marriage and it resulted in an abortion. We agreed on it at the time but occasionally he comes out with things like 'black hearted' and 'baby killer'. It hurts a lot, he clearly resents me for it.

I have spoken to very few about this, the ones that I have agree that we are very broken and are heading down very opposite paths.

The thing is, things have been a bit better over lockdown, our communication has improved and we recently sold our home. He's looking at a new larger property to buy with excitement and I have a sinking feeling in my gut. I know I need to do this, I can't drag this out any longer. I want him to be with someone he can have his little family with, I just want him to be happy.

Just looking for advice, how do I approach this, do I just blurt out I want a divorce. I'm terrified of how he will react, I don't want to hurt him. I try to will myself up to do it last night and I was physically sick, my hands are shaking just typing this.

We agreed on it at the time but occasionally he comes out with things like 'black hearted' and 'baby killer'. It hurts a lot, he clearly resents me for it

You tell him I don't think we have a future together . The above statement is appalling .

There is no easy way, just be honest with him. He wants to have children, you do not. He has the chance to meet someone else who wants exactly the same thing, and you want that for him. Yes it will be painful, but in the long term it’s the best decision for both of you. Good luck.

I don't see how you can possibly have a future with him. It's impossible to overcome statements and fundamental disagreements like that, let alone the lack of sex.
So, it's clear it had to end. Surely he must know that in his heart of hearts? Either way, you just have to bite the bullet and tell him you want to split. It sounds like it should be simple financially, if you don't currently own, just split your assets and no access to children to discuss. Just "rip off the plaster" and tell him. Good luck.

Where is the money from the sale? Is it in a joint account?

Ah how sad OP! You both deserve better than this. I hope you find courage soon in how much you do clearly care for him, and end things, so that you can both move forward and find peace and fulfillment

The build up of telling someone you don't want to continue the relationship is far harder than the actual telling them. You'll sometimes find that as soon as you tell someone you no longer want to be with them, they suddenly show a very unkind hand.
My suggestion is that you prepare yourself first. Get your money in order, know what you have immediately and were you will be living ( as in, will he leave or you, or stay for a short period). Find a friend who can emotionally support you but without sticking their ore in.
Get anything of value stashed away, discretely, ie things which are important to you, passport, bank stuff, your jewlery etc.
Then make a point plan as to what you will say to him. This is important, to prevent him from bamboozling you into trying. If your heart isnt in it, then say so. Just be aware that once you have raised this, things can either become very tense, or very suffocating. He could pull out all the stops to win you back, and stop you from leaving, making you feel guilty etc.
If he were to walk up to you now and say, 'I'd like things to end' How would you feel. Would you feel relieved? If you feel you would, then you are likely to be doing the right thing.
My soon to be Ex Husband became hideous once I clarified and reclarified I was not going to change my mind. He couldnt see past the 'Nothing I do is enough' mentality. If they are not right for you, they are simply not right for you.

You have to bite the bullet and tell him you're not happy and want to split up.

You can't just keep drifting along, and it's not fair on him as much as you - you're wasting his time as much as your own staying. Especially if you may not want children and he does. (Plus the babykiller cracks are nasty).

Be brave and tell him.