How to talk about stuff ExH is doing to upset DS?

[OfTheNight]

ExH is a knob. He was physically, emotionally and financially abusive to me. We split up 5 years ago. I left the family home and all the furniture and set up on my own, from scratch. He has 50/50 custody of DS. He has always been an ok dad. He made a bit of a performance of parenting, as in I did most of the house work and care of DS - feeding, bath, play taking care if he was sick taking him on days out, but in front of others ExH was really super dad. Surprisingly, when we split, he fought very hard for 50/50.

We divide the weekend a day each. I know it’s not great but up to now it works. In front of DS, ex is amicable. Via text or in a conversation with me alone, he is still sometimes horrible. He criticises my parenting (says I’m ‘mental’ because I decorated the house for Halloween, and ‘over the top’ for doing a living room camp out), calls me fat and insists I am obsessed with him, still want to be with him etc. This could not be further from the truth. I’m happily engaged to DP, who is amazing.

ExH has had several girlfriends and I have never said a bad word about any of them, caused any issues or anything.

DS has been coming to us on Saturdays really exhausted and upset. He’s told us that he feels dad isn’t interested in him and ExH keeps sending DS to exMil so his current partner can stay at his house. This is upsetting DS as he doesn’t want to keep being sent away and wants to spend time with his dad.

I know I have to bring this up with ExH. DS is only 7 so too scared of upsetting his dad to say anything. I have asked to speak to ExH by text and briefly explained, emphasising that I want us to support DS together but he’s already accusing me of being jealous of his partner and being a shit mum, claiming DS is unhappy here because I’m crap, which isn’t true.

I’m dreading trying to talk to ExH tomorrow. He’s always gas lit me so I know it’ll be a horrible experience and he’ll make me feel like I’m in the wrong. But poor DS is so unhappy, I can’t not speak with ExH. Has anyone got any tips on discussing this type of thing with a difficult ex who will just blame you?

So he's not really caring for him 50% of the time?

Take him back to court. Your son is old enough to have a say now.

Send ds with a cheap phone. Then collect him from ex mil's if he gets sent there... Then start keeping a diary. Cms needs to reflect his lack of 50 /50

Thank you so much for the suggestions. I have given DS an old phone but he said he’s too scared to use it. To be clear he’s not scared of violence or being told off, he’s scared of upsetting his dad or grandma .

I’m happy to go back to court, I was hoping (though knowing the man, I have no idea why), we could be amicable and adult about it. Very naive of me.

My exh wanted more than 50/50..I had younger dc... Judges deem sibling relationships very important.. I would go as far to say as much as dc /df... Ime.
Would you say Cms is a factor in exh's demands?

I don’t know to be honest. He doesn’t work, I’m a teacher. I felt at the time it more about him maintaining his image as a ‘good guy’ and a good dad. He told everyone the break up was my fault.

He says he doesn’t want to have ds less, but he spends so little time with him when it’s his days. Ds is gutted because he idolises his dad. I try to make up for it at my house. DP and I play with him all day, we have a good rewards system and we do craft, baking, treasure hunts etc. DS just wants his dad to hang out with him and not send him to grandma’s all the time.

DS is aware he’s being sent to grandma for girlfriend to come round because she’s there when he gets dropped back off the next day. Ds says he feels his dad doesn’t want him at home because of his girlfriend. If I say that to ExH I know I will get a barrage of abuse. I’m happy he has a girlfriend but the way he’s being with DS isn’t ok.

Can you just pretend the girlfriend isn't part of the problem as the facts still stand up without mentioning her:

"DS really looks forward to seeing you and is desperate to spend time with you so he's really unhappy that he keeps going to MIL instead on your days. Could you promise him some time with you soon please?"

Your ex DH is still the same as he was when you rightly made him your ex. You can't make him change now any more than you could before. You will exhaust yourself if you try. Unfortunately it is you who is the responsible parent and you who will need to pick up the pieces.

I would suggest you find strategies to console your son when he gets upset rather try to change your ex's behaviour otherwise you leave him in control. Your son will soon realise as he grows up that he has a shit Dad and it is your ex DH who will loose out on a relationship with his son.

You could give him a phone with a location app on such as Life360 and then he won't have to do anything to let you know where he is. He just needs to keep it in his bag. If he ends up at exMIL you could then go and pick him up.

@Mumski45
Excellent suggestion I was going to say the same

Can you speak to ex-MIL? Tell her how it’s effecting your DS? That while it’s lovely he gets to spend time with her, he’s really missing not spending time with his dad but doesn’t feel like he can say anything. You’ll know the family relationships and how best to deal with everyone. I’d definitely be stopping engaging EXDH in any conversation other than DS! Anything personal or not directly related to pick up/drop offs etc...just ignore.

Thank you so much for the advice. I really am so grateful. @Mumski45 that is a genius idea and I’ve never thought of it before. I’ll sort that out once DS is in bed. @FusionChefGeoff I think your approach is the one I’m going to go for, I never ever mention any of his partners. That is firmly his business. So if I don’t mention his partner I hope he might not feel so compelled to react as he does. I can only try. @Lolapusht I did try to speak with exMil when he decided to go on holiday in November without telling me or DS. But exMil refuses to get involved. I know ExH has told her I’m awful and she’s trying to be a good mum by standing by her son. I think she feels I want to stop her seeing DS. I really don’t, she’s a good grandma.