I am on the verge of breaking up with someone I really love because he has issues up the wazoo and I feel really bad about it. I know when I post here everyone will tell me to run (I know that's the logical decision) but wanted to ask if anyone has left someone they really, properly love and who loves them?
The relationship has always been just potential, there's always some reason he can't fully be there or can't give me what I want and three years on we love each other more than ever but it's affected me deeply now because I am a hostage to his anxiety.
His entire life is based on anxiety and that's how he makes all his decisions. His issues are mainly fear of abandonment, Aspergers which makes him rigid, deep-seated phobia of dependence on me and some severe childhood trauma along with abusive previous relationships.
The first year it was great in so many ways, we fell in love easily and had a great time, but he was also reluctant to do some things that would have made me happy. That might have meant things like having to drag him by the teeth to a mini-break or something like that.
When the time came to "move in together", the took a job really far away (he says he deeply regrets that now) but we've basically been "long distance" for a couple of years now which has really sapped my quality of life.
Over these past years, we tackled a lot of his issues. He now feels safe in this relationship, he's vulnerable, he wants to get married and he's so loving and we get on so brilliantly. It's the most lovely relationship I have ever had in so many ways.
He's also taken steps the last few months to tackle his past wounds, and work on himself. He's been in counselling, reading self-help books and we have a weekly "intimacy hour" where we talk about the big stuff. He's grown SO much, and I love him more than ever.
However, I want to live together and be able to do normal things like hang out on Sundays and spend time together and while he says he desperately wants this, I sense he is still avoiding it.
He misses me terribly and is miserable. I miss him terribly and I am also miserable. But right now, he is due to come home in May when his contract ends, and he's hesitant.
His reason is not having a new job to go to yet, so he wants to extend his contract past May so he can keep his current job in place until he finds a new one.
My position is "no way", we agreed two years and I can't live a minute longer with my life on hold. We hardly ever see each other and life is passing us by. I told him to come home and look for a job, we can easily live on just my income and we have lots of savings.
I can only describe his reaction as truly phobic.
If I tell him "fine, stay there longer if you want but I am moving on" then he suddenly gets rational and says he understands and of course he will come home and start a proper life with me.
As soon as things are back on track, he wakes up in the morning anxious and starts saying he thinks he might never get a job and then what if his career is ruined and what if I leave him.
I know Aspie people need structure and I know anxiety and rigidity of thinking is an issues, and I know his past fears play into this but it is literally maddening.
We have split up for a few days over this and he has literally been crying all week. He cries when he wakes up and at lunchtime (and he is not a cryer). He says he can't imagine a life without me at all and please if I stay he will come home.
I know if I renege, he will go back to being anxious and trying to get out of coming home. It's really bleak to be honest, and he's been so stressed he's currently at the doctors trying to get help.
All this taken into account, he is the most wonderful person I have ever. We have a lovely relationship and we're stupidly in love and happy with each other and it's such a shame he just can't seem to get a grip on his anxiety.
It's almost like he is afraid to begin our life together and after three years I am at the end of my tether. I know I have to walk away to live a life, but I am just so sad about it.
Has anyone got any experience of anxiety that is so powerful? I thought the counselling would help, and it does with some things, but his anxiety is so pronounced that he get anxious about the counselling!