Constant digging. Is it normal?

[rulerbirds]

Long term married. Young kids. Since kids I’ve really struggled with my self esteem and confidence and today I had a revelation. My husband is constantly engaging in “battle speak” whenever we talk. It doesn’t matter what the topic is. It could be baked beans on toast and he’ll find some way to use it as a dig. He’ll often start conversations with a statement that basically translates to “do you remember when you thought this and it turned out to be wrong”. With a smile and under the banner of “nice conversation”. Why the F should I enjoy being told I’m wrong all the time? So what if the thing I thought or said X number of years ago turned out not to be true? I don’t ever do that to him. My mannerisms and speech towards him are constantly agreeable, facilitating, problem solving and supportive. His isn’t. I started talking to him about how difficult I’m finding our youngest at the moment and then said it’s probably in part to the year lockdown meaning lots of time spent together which is tough for mother/child balance. He immediately used it to dig at me and my character. Calling me a defence lawyer and I’m “always saying a thing and immediately bringing up mitigating circumstances” I should be a lawyer apparently. Like WTF? What am I supposed to say in response to that? If he’d said that conversation to me I would have listened and replied with yeah me too or it should get better or something not a bloody character assassination. I realised he’s always doing this. So I pushed back. He did it an hour later and I said I wasn’t in the mood to hear more bad things about me and can we just not right now. He immediately flew on the defensive. Said it wasn’t meant like that. I’m the problem because I’m oversensitive. I now just don’t want to engage with him or make conversation at all. I never know if I’m going to get assassinated. Can I get some opinions on how to handle this. Things I can say when he becomes like this. I want to push back and stop him. Thank you

How about having a chat and agreeing to be kind to each other?

Then, every single time ‘That’s not nice / that hurts / is that necessary to say? Etc’ ??

That sounds abusive. And it probably because you are so much better than him and he's trying to bring you down.

Whenever I have any insecurities and problems, my boyfriend allays my fears and tells me how great I am at such and such. In a relationship you big each other up and not being each other down.

I think he’s been talking to me like this a long time and I’ve minimised it. Right now with lockdown, no job etc I’m stuck. I need strategies to cope for now. I also want to know if other people get this and it’s normal

My now ex was like this and still is, on the rare occasions we are forced to interact. It’s a deep seated resentment which causes him to think that it’s ok to treat you like this because in his head, he’s settling a score.

There’s a book about it actually - John Gottman’s “why marriages succeed or fail” and he talks about the “4 horsemen” of behaviours which kill a relationship dead. I’ll bet your husband does some of the other behaviours in there too.

All I can say is, unless he has some sort of damascene epiphany and sees he is behaving like an utter twat, this will continue for as long as you let it.

I'd be calmly calling him out on it every single time. It's insidious and bordering on abusive op.

and how does anyone get out of a bad relationship right now with kids at home and nothing moving. No rentals. No jobs. Women are screwed over by all of this. I’m stuck.

When you say 'with a smile' do you actually mean 'with a smirk'. Google narcissist smirk.

Normal people dont try to turn everything into a put down or an argument. It's disordered personality domain.

I'd be giving him the boot.

The thing is, if he’s determined to put you down constantly, then he’ll probably come back with a snarky reply, no matter how good your responses are.

And you cant 'push back's against him. You will never win. He will just paint you as 'over emotional/hard work/the bag guy'.

Could he go stay at his parents? Paint it as though its temporary. Infact,if you can make it seem like his idea, even better. If he thinks it's his idea and you will be cut up about it then less likely he will hurry back.

Also, houses are still being sold and rented atm. Covid makes things harder but it's not impossible to split up. Provided you can afford it.

There are organisations such as Women's Aid who can offer advice if your thought is to end the relationship and leave. Economic control is coercive control.

There are no rentals in my area and if they pop up they are prohibitively expensive. I tried to get one before xmas and they wouldn’t rent to me without a job. They wanted 12 months rent and a guarantor. How does somebody in their 50s get a guarantor? It’s shit

OP,
It is not you, it is him.

Just another horrible man who gets his life's enjoyment out of bullying you.

Absolutely abusive.

Don't waste your breath.

Contact Women's Aid about your options.

Reach out to family and friends.

Quietly see if you can get money together and plan, plan, plan.

Avoid conversation and just don't initiate any.
Kill any conversation he starts with indifference.

"I don't know"
Whatever you think"
"You decide".

On a loop.

Just don't engage.

Use all your energy on planning and getting support.

What age are your children?

Google Grey rock.

Grey Rock doesn't work for constant,continuous contact. It'll just be taken as a challenge and they'll try harder to break you.

But short term whilst you figure out your options it might be worthwhile. As long as by short term were talking a month or so.

He tears you down because it makes him feel good. What a prick. I hope you can find a way to free yourself from him. Speaking to a solicitor would be a good start.

Yep. Call in the lawyers. Tell him you WILL divorce him if he doesn’t move out. Get him to move and then divorce him anyway.

He sounds like a passive aggressive twat who is covertly bullying you, under a smirk and a wink. He's unwilling or too cowardly to discuss his real feelings with you, or he's just having fun getting you down and minimizing it all. You've made your feelings clear I think. He knows you don't like it yet carries on. So, the only thing you can do is minimize contact and remove yourself from the relationship.

Nobody is ever oversensitive. Everybody is as sensitive as they should be, and those who love them will respect their feelings. Over reacting is different. So if he says something and it hurts your feelings, you say to him 'You hurt my feelings by saying that', and you explain why. The loving response would be to try to ensure that the same misunderstanding doesn't happen again. But if he says something and it hurts your feelings, so you throw the TV out of the window and cut all his ties in half, then, yes, there's an issue with your behaviour.

In short, if you communicate your feelings well, and the other person says you are being 'oversensitive', they are really saying 'you are too sensitive for me' It's a self criticism about how unwilling they are to deal with the fineries of your emotions, rather than a criticism of you. Not that they know it.

Sounds like a form of negging. Can you call him out on it?

It could be baked beans on toast and he’ll find some way to use it as a dig

OP - yes I do remember burning the toast, so what about it?

DH - well you burnt it remember, dinner was ruined

OP - oh yes I remember ruining dinner

Repeat back to him what he's just said

'You sound like a lawyer'
' so I sound like a lawyer'?

Jesus sounds awful. Make plans to leave. Don't waste your precious life ... I saw s solicitor as covid hivid hit

Whoops..phone playing up. I saw solicitor, moved out to mums, took.no more shit from my ex. He used to follow me around saying you are fucking tragic. I left. Never looked back. Good luck.