10 year old DS doesn't want to live with his sister

[Worakls]

After some advice here. I have two DC, DS is 10 and DD is 5. A year ago their dad moved out. He seems them one night a week and EOW. DS and DD are very different characters. He is very anxious and emotional. She is loud, confident and attention seeking.
So he went to his dad's last night just him for a boy's night. He's come back this morning really grumpy and emotional and saying it was nice because she wasn't there. He said he think he'd like to not live with her. In other words we split custody of them having them a week each I guess. What do I do? What do I say?
He says she is too loud and gets all the attention. She does get more than him because of her age yes, but she goes to bed early and him and I get 1.5 hours each night together where we play and watch a TV series. I try to meet both their needs but it is hard being by myself. DD is a loving girl and good fun. She always plays his games with him and just mucks in.
I feel like I have failed massively here. How can he want to live apart from her?

Oh dear, that must be hard.

But they've just had the most stressful couple of months, being at home together all the time, no break from each other.

I would say no, that's not an option, but I can talk to your dad about him having more 1-2-1 time with you and your sister, so you get a break from each other and get some time alone with each of us.

After a few weeks back at school and seeing other children every day, having his life away from the house back, it might feel different.

I think that if you and your ex have a good relationship where you can discuss things you should think about giving him a day like this with his dad regularly- maybe once a fortnight.
You say you give him 1:1 time but maybe your ex funds that harder? Maybe they should both get a day alone with each parent? If you were all living together that might have happened anyway (eg my dh is out with ds today)

It’s not unusual for siblings to feel like this, my youngest sister was a pita and I’d probably have said the same given the option. You’ve not failed anyone, it’s just the family dynamic compounded by the fact he can spend time elsewhere.

Maybe you shouldn't take it too seriously as a firm wish of his, but more of an expression of his frustrations? Siblings do find each other annoying, and there's a big age-gap. As they get older things will evolve as well.

Perhaps you could look at how the dynamics are playing out, whether he gets privacy in his room and time out from her. Could your dd sometimes go on her own to her dad's as well, so you can spend time 1-2-1 with him?

Thanks everyone. Relief to hear and yes they do miss out on 1:1 because of being separated but covid has made it worse. Normally I guess his sister could go to Grandma's for a few hours or a to friend's house.
I do fall into a bit of a trap that anything negative that they say or do just be because we are split up.. lots of guilt there 🥺.

I would like to try then having a day alone with each of us every now and again. I have suggested it but ex is quite protective of his alone time so he would want it to be in his weekends with them... Honestly, as bad as it sounds I need those 2 days to recover. I work FT and life is manic... I collapse on my weekend without them and recharge ready for the next 12 days!!

I'm sure he does feel like that sometimes. I'm sure my two feel like that sometimes. Sounds quite normal for siblings, you dont have to act on it!

One positive of the split is that they can both have some time alone with either parent, as well as joint visits to dad.

Surely you just say no! He doesn't get to make that decision.

Could he alternate taking one child on the evenings he has them? Maybe one week has both, then your son and then your daughter? You would then get your weekends. Would something like that work?

@Toddlerteaplease normally yes. I suppose I was concerned by what he really meant and was feeling.

No, he's of course allowed to say he doesn't want to live with his little sister - many people would . But he does live with her and that's that. No need to give this too much credence imo.

I think you need to find a way to balance everyone's needs. You and their father both feel you need time with no children, but your DS may also feel that he needs time without his sister. With no clubs, friends to provide that time apart I think you and their father may have to give up some of your alone time. Maybe ask your DS to see how it goes with the return to school first, if they are not already in school?

Listen to what he’s saying, let him express his feelings. Tell him that it’s natural for him to find it hard being stuck with one other child for months on end without any of his actual friends. Pack his bag up together for school on Monday, bake him some flapjacks for his packed lunches (or whatever) and check his uniform still fits.

Lots of siblings argue and get annoyed and frustrated with each other. I wouldn't worry one bit - obviously the answer is no. Once they're back at school properly they'll settle down into a normal structured life.

My brother and I ended up living separately (a bit older than yours) and the relationship never recovered.

I'd definitely try to get 1 on 1 time with them (we do movies when other is at a club /friends etc) and it will defijitely be easier for them to have time away from each other when at school.

It’s not unusual for siblings to feel like this, my youngest sister was a pita and I’d probably have said the same given the option. You’ve not failed anyone, it’s just the family dynamic compounded by the fact he can spend time elsewhere

Yes, this.

I couldn't stand my brother from the moment he could walk and talk. He was constantly in at everything, destroying my peace and privacy, removing and damaging my possessions, dirty, noisy, and my mother made no attempt whatsoever to hide he was her favourite, made no attempt to moderate his behaviour, and I invariably got the rough end of the stick when it came to discipline etc.

I never enjoyed a single moment of my childhood when we were stuck in the house together, and it was a blessed relief the few times I was able to go and stay with relatives on my own. I'd have gladly lived separately from him given the choice.

I don't think there's much you can do to contrive a relationship or somehow force two children to like each other simply because they are siblings. I couldn't stand my brother when we were children, and I don't really have anything to do with him as an adult either. He's perfectly pleasant etc, we just have absolutely nothing in common, and I feel no inclination to spend any time with him as a result. When we are together, I'm always left looking for an excuse to get away.

I have many siblings, I wished all but the youngest of them away on a daily basis growing up! Even in adulthood there are times when I have daydreamed about being an only
But I have good relationships with them all now, some closer than others but they know I love them and I know they love me.
I'm Irish so most of my friends have multiple siblings, I know I was not alone in my only child daydreams
This isn't about anything you've done or not done, it's perfectly normal childhood feelings.

I used to love having time with my mum without my sister. There was a 5 year gap and our needs often clashed. Had my dad provided a suitable alternative (rather than verbal abuse) I probably would have said I didn't want to live with her either. Try and carve out some time for the two of you. Even if you can't just now make it clear that you will as soon as it's possible with covid restrictions.

Ah I think the fact my brother was my mums favourite and could do no wrong certainly didn't help.

Do check you arent favouring the 5 year old all time "because she's little" or being overly harsh on the 10 year old.

I don't think it is uncommon for siblings of different sex with an age gap to feel this way, esp if they are different personalities and its been a stressful time. Also its the age of developing more independence.

What about him going there for a longer break? When I was little I had the option of staying away at school, I did this when things were tense at home (parents marriage, DB 3 years older could be a bully) on three occassions (first time it was 2 weeks around 10 then 6-8 weeks aged 12 then 3 months over GCSEs), usually it was the last school term of the year when I was probably exhausted and had tests. It did me good as it helped my independence/confidence and gave me a refresh. Maybe an option as a half way house.

Wait until he’s settled back into school before worrying about this too much.

Given what you've already written about your absolutely awful ex H (who in all truth only loves his own self) in previous writings, it would not surprise me if he was actually manipulating his son as a further means of punishing you for leaving him.

Whose idea was it to have this arrangement in place too, his in the main?.

I’d have said that about my younger sister when we were kids, given the option.

If it helps, we started getting on once I’d moved out & we were no longer stuck with each other, and we’re really close now.

You’re totally overthinking this. The answer’s no. He doesn’t get to split the family up obviously. Many of us have siblings we don’t like very much!