Can it work

[summer151]

Hi, just wanted to get some opinions. I have been separated from my ex husband for almost 3 years. He still tries to control my life. He can do what he wants and only sees the kids for a few hours every few weeks and refuses to take them overnight. This is because he wants to make sure I can have no time to myself and won't b able to do anything apart from look after the kids. He is on his 3rd girlfriend since we split. About 5 months ago I met a man through a single parents app and have been in touch since and have met up for walks and talk regularly on phone. I am starting to really fall for him and we get on so well. I have met his kids on a walk and he has met mine and they have met each other as it's the only way I can meet him as I have no child free time. They have just met once and I said it was a friend from years ago that I hadn't seen in ages. They all got on so well. Kids dad rings every day to talk to them and my little one said, we met mammys friend in the park and he went mad saying it better not be a boyfriend and under no circumstances should I introduce another man into the children's lives or he will make my life hell. I am so down and upset over this and as ex was so emotionally abusive and manipulative in the past I am terrified of what he mite do if I get into a relationship with this new person. Is it even worth it? Maybe it's easier to stay on my own without all the drama. Has anyone been in the same position as me. Feeling so depressed today. Feel like ex has ruined my life and it makes me so angry that he feels he still has so much control over mine still. Thanks in advance

Stand up to him, please don't let him rule your life. If he see's that you're singing to his tune he'll do it even more. It's none of his business.

What does your ex do to control your life?

Obviously you can't make him have the dc more or reliably, so you need to set up your life so what he does can't affect you. Do you have supportive family or friends around you? Are you working?

You need to work on freeing yourself from his control and having unshakeable boundaries with him. If he's aggressive or threatening or frightening, you need to report him to the police every time.

You can't go on through life like this. It's time to put him back in his box.

Its none of his fucking business if you have a boyfriend. None.

Tell him to piss off! None of his business what you do! Don't let him control you take charge and stand up for yourself, and as for make your life hell tell him you will seek legal advice...horrible man xx

Thanks for the reply's. Can he stop me meeting him and his kids for walks with my kids. Does he have any right to make an issue out of it?

No, he does not!

You've been split up for years.
He has no rights and no say over you or your romantic life.
As your child's parent, he has as little say over who you introduce your child to, as you do over him in return.

You seem very much still under his control. Why is this? Can you tell us more about what he does and your situation so we can advise?

Assuming you’re in the UK, he only has a right to make an issue out of it if there is reason to believe that this man represents some kind of threat to your children. Otherwise, no: you’re no longer with him so you can see who you like, as long as there are no safeguarding issues. There are some countries which give fathers greater rights in respect of shared children than the mothers have but I’m guessing you’re in the UK.

But abusers aren’t reasonable people. Deep down, he sees you and your children as his possessions, not people in your own right. He sees you only in relation to himself.

What real life support do you have? As @category12 says, you need to get some proper structures put in place so that you get a break sometimes and he is no longer calling the shots in your emotional life.

If it comes to any court battle, it is very helpful to you that he has left so much of the parenting to you - unless you get into a situation where there are genuine safeguarding concerns, it would be pretty much impossible for him to make a case that the children should be with him not you.

And yes, as @category12 says: it would be helpful to understand why you’re not more aware of your own rights.

No he cannot but I get that him ranting and raving and making threats can make like difficult. You are lucky in one way that he won’t take the kids overnight because he can’t hold that one over you. Build yourself a support network, find a nice babysitter once covid restrictions lift so that you can meet your man alone sometimes.
It’s none of his business. Ignore.

Thanks to everyone who replied to me. Really appreciate ye taking time to do so. I agreed to meet n

Sorry sent last message too soon. I agreed to meet male friend and his 2 kids for a walk with me and my kids tomorrow but am now abit anxious about it due to ex making a big thing of it when he finds out. Kids will tell him. He has been very emotionally abusive in the past and even though it's been nearly 3 years since we separated he still feels he can control me. I think is it really worth the hassle of trying to meet someone when I know he will make my life so hard after and I'm afraid he will turn my kids against me by giving out about me meeting a male friend.

If you got that threat about 'making your life hell' from him in writing (eg: via text) you can show the police you know.

Sometimes his sort need to be told to back the fuck off by authority figures.

Agree with post above. The more he knows he can intimidate you, the more he will try it on. These kind of people need to be told off by someone bigger or more powerful than them ie the police. Get it down in writing or record it and get the police involved as he has obviously threatened you.
What a pig! Good luck in your new and better life that you are rebuilding for thefuture happiness of yourself and your children. I hope the new guy is bigger than h as sometimes its the only thing they respect.
Also give the kids a heads up so that he can't use them to get info about you. Just say your dad gets really angry with me so I'd prefer it if you didn't talk about me. You can't live your life thinking you will be dobbed in by your own kids!
Much love and luck ❤️🍀

I am so upset. My ex is telling kids that they are never to meet mums boyfriend ever again. Firstly he is not my boyfriend and never introduced him as that to my kids. We went on 2 walks with him and his 2 kids. That's the only time they have met him and I just said it was mammys friend. Kids spent the day with their dad today and my little boy was so upset going to bed. He said his dad was asking loads of questions about my man friend and said don't ever go with ur mother to meet him and to ring him if I ever ask him and he will come and collect him. My son said he never wants to meet this man again. I feel so sad that he is trying to mess up my kids heads. I feel lost and don't know what to do

He's a c**t !

Does he pay maintenance?
Is there a court order in place for any contact?

Do you have any contact with his current gf? If so I'd message / or say at pickup/drop off how he's clearly still not over you and how it's so strange he's still obsessing over you even though he's taken, but I'm petty like that.

So sorry to hear this summer, I’ve found it difficult to move on due to my DD father using her as a way to control me. I’m sorry I don’t have more practical advice as he didn’t actually say anything to DD so I managed to put my foot down without her being dragged in to it.
Maybe you should do as pp suggested and look for other support with family or babysitter so that you can continue to see where it goes with new guy.
Your ex will hear about it, about the babysitting and mum went out but can’t use the fact of your kids to get involved. Hopefully then it will show him he can’t stop you or control you and things will get easier and you can try reintroduce the DC to the situation at a later date

Have you tried getting any help from women's aid etc? You really need to put some boundaries in place with your children's father. Maybe you don't feel strong enough with our support. But with some help and knowing what a healthy boundary is without him making you doubt your decision you can move forward. Good luck and seek some support!

Thank you all for your replies. I just feel like I am so powerless over wat he says to them. He is doing all he can try and control me by controlling them. I explained to them mammy is allowed to have friends women and men just as daddy is. My little boy said he doesn't care and won't ever want to meet this man again.

How old is your son?

Can you put the counter position into an age appropriate explanation.

For example, explain that some people might not like you being friends with X, but you enjoy X's company because they are into dinosaurs and no one else really is. It isn't right for someone to say you can't be friends with X when X is fun and has done nothing wrong.

Because on top of your ex demanding full control over your relationships, if you don't meet new dad again it might illustrate to your son that controlling others works and that isn't good.

Reassure your boy that you would never have a friend who was horrible to you or them, that life is more fun with other people in it, that daddy can live his life his way but that is not your way.

You need to counteract the poison your ex is spouting, might take time, gentleness, but needs to be done.

As for the ex you need to firmly say again and again and again if need be, we are no longer a couple, you have no right over whom I see, as I have no say over who you see. End of discussion ex. I don't care what you think anymore. And repeat I don't care what you think anymore.

Thank you for that good advise. Yeah I said that to him there. He said oh daddy will kill this man if he ever meets him and is scared that might happen and please don't meet him. I'm really struggling to cope with all this but I hate that ex thinks he has won them by being so controlling and threatening.

@summer151

Have you got a court order for ExH's 'visitation' times ?

I'd be saying to ExH that unless he agreed to set days and times (including overnight ) and said nothing further to your DC about your 'friends', then he will not be seeing the kids at all because he upsets them by threatening violence when he does see them.

Actually, I take that back, i'd simply stop them seeing them at all. When he gets angry about it, simply phone the police and block his number on your phone. He is not a fit parent.

Simply tell him to take you to court for visitation (and record any and all contacts with him from behind a locked door)and give him an email address which he can contact (He'll send all sorts of threatening and abusive messages all of which you need to keep so you can show the court what his 'parenting' really looks like).

Then you can be safe in the knowledge that he can't bully and intimidate either you or your DC any more. He would maybe get 'supervised visits', if he's lucky, but you would get your freedom.

That’s abuse and if I were you I would contact the authorities. He can have girlfriends but you are not allowed to have male friends?!.. he’s living in a dream world. I’d really want to know why your ex feels so entitled- ask him.

At least your son is telling you what he said however evil and twisted it is.

So keep those conversation lines open with your son. Sounds like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders in that it's not that he doesn't like new friend he wants to protect him from twisted ex.

I don't know the correct route out of this others are much more knowledgeable but this needs to be addressed for you and your children's sake.

Can see why he's an ex.

Reassure your boy it is adult stuff,nothing for him to worry about, I think it needs flagging with someone but I don't know who unfortunately.

So he's made threats to kill? Time to go see a solicitor and get the authorities involved.

Take him to court for a child arrangement order to get everything formalised and have added in that he can't talk to the kids this way. You can guarantee he'll explode and they'll see you're right. If you don't feel confident to do it alone contact women's aid or the national domestic abuse helpline.

I've done it. It's terrifying the first time. But I'm about to do it again. Mine constantly tries to come up with new ways to control me. It's currently a refusal to discuss anything, health, access, nothing. So back we go to court to get a "must reply to emails" clause added in. Whatever he comes up with, I counteract. It's tedious and stressful but I refuse to be bullied anymore.