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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Relationship after loss advice

37 replies

Ljones101 · 05/03/2021 20:15

For background- I have 2 kids, he has none, we dont live together.

We weren't trying for a baby. I had no idea I was pregnant. I had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy when I was home alone. My partner had to smash a window to get into my house and found me passed out. At the hospital they told him I could have died if he hadn't found me when he did.
It was really traumatic for him and he has really struggled with it. He doesn't want to let me out of his sight and worries whenever I'm home alone. He was quite controlling before, but now it's on a whole other level. He was also completely devastated about the pregnancy loss. Although we weren't trying and didn't even know I was pregnant, it really hit him hard. It breaks my heart to see how much it's affected him.
I don't have the same feelings about it as him and it's tearing our relationship apart.
I have a completely different view about the loss. To me- I was ill, went to hospital, had an operation and now I'm better. I wasn't aware of the baby before and there is no baby now. I seem to have processed it completely differently to him.
After it happened he felt I wasn't being honest about my feelings and accused me of not opening up to him. We had awful screaming rows and he just wouldn't accept that I didn't feel the loss like he did. He was really angry. I am sympathetic to his feelings and would never expect him to 'get over it', but it seems like he can't move on from this. He has this massive issue with me now for not confiding in him about my 'true' feelings. Like some trust has been broken between us. If we argue, he refuses to leave and give me space. If I leave, he'll phone me up crying, telling me to come back, saying I know how it upsets him when I leave like that.

Maybe I'm being completely selfish, but I cant go on like this. Maybe it's me that's broken. Maybe there is something wrong with me and I should feel differently about it all but i dont and I cant share feelings I dont have. He is not the same anymore and our relationship is not the same. I know we cant go back to how things were before as something has changed, but I feel I cant go on with this relationship if this is how things are going to be between us now. I dont know if I need to give it more time? I don't want to leave him, but right now I feel so suffocated and unhappy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ljones101 · 07/03/2021 00:11

I'm so scared. I think I'm having some sort of breakdown. I've just woken up having a panic attack, struggling to breathe. My mind going over all this shit with him like I was still half dreaming or hallucinating or something. It felt so real. I have this sick feeling of dread about him. My heart is racing so fast. I cant seem to calm down. My mind seems to be on a loop going over all the bad times, arguments, him throwing a glass at the wall next next to me, some vile thing he said when he was drunk and upset, him being rough with me during sex when he was angry. I'm trying so hard to focus on writing this but its still there in my head, playing like a montage. Sad

OP posts:
Sakurami · 07/03/2021 01:03

Bloody hell. He is abusive! Throwing glasses, saying vile things and being rough with you during sex!! These aren't the actions of a loving man. The way he behaves is scary. It has escalated so much without you even living with him. No wonder you're having panic attacks

Grimsknee · 07/03/2021 03:00

OP he's a good partner some of the time because that's the cycle of abuse - google it. Keeps you bonded to him. If men are 100% abusive, it's less difficult to leave.

justsaymaybe · 07/03/2021 11:46

He sounds abusive and he is using this situation to be more controlling of you. He can obviously be upset about the ectopic, but he is making it all about him and trying to force it onto you.

By the way, that list of good things are just what someone in a normal loving relationship would do. And they certainly don't wipe out the bad stuff.

category12 · 07/03/2021 13:05

OP, he is abusive. The nice/nasty cycle is how abusive relationships work - he makes you feel amazing when he is in the mood for it, and that's what keeps you there, the yearning for the good times, how great it can be - but he cycles through to nasty, controlling and frightening, and that doesn't stop and it often gets worse and worse.

What you're experiencing isn't unique, it's classic. He did always want something in return, but it was control he wanted, nothing else.

Your flashbacks are your brain screaming at you to stay out of the relationship and finally having the space away from him to process.

Original poster
Ljones101 · 07/03/2021 14:52

I cant shake this horrible feeling I have about him. I dont understand it. I was in love with him 2 days ago. Now my stomach is in knots thinking about him. I feel so sick. I dont know if it was the argument or peoples comments on here making me doubt everything. I have never been scared of him. Even through all the arguments, him being rough, threatening me when drunk- I was never scared. I still felt safe and confident he wouldn't hurt me. Now when I think about those moments its like someone has altered the memory and added fear. I feel panic and I'm scared. And I question all the happy memories and they are now tainted.
I know I sound crazy. I'm a complete mess right now. I have to snap out of this.
I don't need to be scared of him.
I'm fully aware he likes to be in control. He likes to know where I am, but is that such a big deal? He's never stopped me going anywhere or doing something I wanted to. He just wants to know I'm safe.
We argue, things are bad, we make up, its great again. Isn't that just a normal relationship? There are good times and bad times. Why is that abusive?

OP posts:
litterbird · 07/03/2021 15:25

OP it sounds like you are experiencing something similar to post traumatic stress disorder. I think the abusive things he has done to you you have blocked out of your memory and not processed this. Now you are processing this and its so bloody scary. Please get to a GP tomorrow if you can to get help as this scariness can escalate. For now try to breath in deeply and is there anyone of your friends who can come over and talk to you?

category12 · 07/03/2021 16:39

Yes it is a big deal that he needs to be in control and has to know where you are. You're not a child, you're an equal, independent adult. He should trust your judgement and that your take on things is just as valid.

It's not normal to have someone throw a glass.
It's not normal to hurt you during sex.
It's not normal to demand you feel the exact way he wants you to feel about something.

category12 · 07/03/2021 17:02

And under what circumstances where you having sex while he was angry? It's not exactly "make-up" sex if he uses it as an opportunity to be rough and punish you.

Pokske · 07/03/2021 17:05

He's controlling, even if you prefer the word "protective". You are an adult, you don't need protection. Anyway, he probably is no bodyguard.
You feel you didn't loose a baby because jyou didn't know it was there. I agree completely, I would feel the same.
It's a good thing he found you and in a way he saved your life, but that doesn't mean he now has to regiment every move you make.

Original poster
Ljones101 · 07/03/2021 17:28

I haven't blocked out the memories though. I do remember them. I have always remembered them. I know he did some messed up things. We talked about them afterwards. I did process it. I didn't forget them, but I moved on.
This is like... not my real memories.
I sound insane.

I'm stressed. I've been through a lot the last few months. I think it's just all got to me.

I'm not trying to excuse what he did. I know it was wrong. But i'm not blameless either. I've pushed his buttons and provoked him.
The sex thing is complicated. He wasn't angry with me, it wasn't make up sex. It was other stuff going on with him and he was rough.

I think our relationship has become too consuming and suffocating. It's draining me and neither of us are happy. He hasn't been in touch yet so I have my space. I do want out of this.

OP posts:
okokok000 · 07/03/2021 17:43

From what you have said he is controlling and abusive.

He shouldn't be telling you how to grieve or process the ectopic or anything at all. I've been there (loss at 5 months and a separate ruptured ectopic needing emergency surgery). My husband never once suggested I was doing it wrong. He has just been there and allowed me to process things in my own way at my own speed. Your partner is not doing this for you. It is all about him.

I suspect recent events have caused you to really see things for what they are and reflect on what you want. Forget about his feelings. You're not responsible for him or his happiness. Focus on you.

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