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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just left abusive bf

26 replies

lana135 · 05/03/2021 20:06

Some of you may remember me from my post about bf shoving his tongue down my throat the other day. I am the woman whose boyfriend threatened to throw my baby off the balcony (among other threats), refused to let me buy maternity clothes or regular things for my baby, smoked weed all the time ect. Just to name a few. I have just left him for good this time. He has moved out and I think this is the end forever.

Little bit of back story. We'd been together for 3 years and have a 5 months old son together. He has physically, sexually, emotionally/psychologically and financially abused me for years and I have finally seen sense and left him. Typing out everything he has done seems to help me realize how bad he is and that I must stay away. He has physically attacked me repeatedly, smashed up phone, tablet, tv, xbox. He's a bully and gaslights. He has stopped me from seeing friends and family, stopped me from buying things I've needed whilst blowing all his money forcing me to use food banks and Forced and pressured all sorts sexual things. There is so so much more but there no point going into further details.

For years I'd hoped things would get better and that he would be the man I always wanted but it never came to be and I've finally had enough.

It has been very difficult to leave him and in the past he has smashed up my phone and tablet to prevent me from contacting family so I could get money and leave. This has been in the making for about 2 years and its been really hard on me and will probably get harder. I'm not really used to looking after baby on my own and my bf has left me in debt so stress is high but so is my sense of relief. I have no friends to talk to and my family live miles away so I am nervous at the thought of going it alone.

I guess I'm just looking for some positivity, words of encouragement or a bit of a hand hold and perhaps to give a happy ending to all the people who commented on my posts. I've had the names cyber27, newmum97 and some others I can't remember.

Here's to moving on from a low life dope smoking, jobless, abusive twat. Tell me what to do now.

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 05/03/2021 20:31

Tell yourself life will be so much better without him.

Mooloolabababy · 05/03/2021 20:41

Well done op, you definitely did the right thing! Would moving closer to family be an option so that you can have extra support?

WineInTheWillows · 05/03/2021 20:43

Well done, OP. Are family close enough that you could stay with them for a while? And then rent nearby once back on your feet?

tropicalwaterdiver · 05/03/2021 20:44

Is that the same by who forced French kissing? And he threatened to throw the baby from balcony?
Why can't you look after your baby on your own?

Whatsnewpussyhat · 05/03/2021 20:46

Yes, can you move closer to family? Can you contact them to come and get you?
Do the police know about his violence and abuse?

Kgrzghtechh · 05/03/2021 20:49

Do you have an IDVA or any other DV support?

What's your plan if he tries to come back?

BaggoMcoys · 05/03/2021 21:04

I read your other thread and I'm delighted for you. I really hoped you would leave him. You didn't deserve that at all. Do you feel as though a weight has been lifted? I left my abusive ex and I suddenly felt so much lighter.

I also have no friends to speak of - he kind of put an end to my friendships years ago - but I got in touch with one male friend from my past and we are sort of a thing now. It's all a bit scary but I'm happier than I've been in years. I laugh and smile and I'm so much more relaxed. I used to be so jumpy and numb, and close to tears all the time. I was always on edge. I am feeling much more like my old self now. Feeling free, relaxed and happy.

Financially I'm struggling and if it weren't for the help of a family member, I never would have been able to leave him. I worry about that at times but I think about going back to life as a prisoner again and I'd rather die! I know I've made the right decision despite the hard bits. I find myself worrying about silly things too. Today I imagined getting married to the new guy (my old friend) and I was thinking about how I have no friends and would have nobody to invite, while he'd have loads of guests. There are a lot of worries and a lot of uncertainty because the future is unknown whereas before as much as I hated my life, I knew exactly where I stood... But now is the time to make my own future. Do things I couldn't do when I was with him - like trying to find a job. And I'm getting to enjoy the present which is something I could not do when I was with him. Despite the worries and fears (which I think are totally normal) I am finally getting a chance to enjoy life and to be happy.

I'm doing a course with the local women's refuge that teaches about abuse. It's mostly going through things I know, but it's helped me. I have a tendancy to downplay what happened and to worry I've either made things up or exaggerated or misinterpreted past events. Getting it laid out in front of me and being (virtually) with a group of women who all have the same experience as me has really helped. I wonder if you could find something like that near to you?

B1rdflyinghigh · 05/03/2021 21:05

Be soooo proud of yourself. Now write down every reason why you left him, so when you hit a weak spot, you can read it

Wanderlusto · 05/03/2021 21:19

Well done op! Change your locks do the fucker can't get back iin.and read up on narcissistic hoovering so that you will be prepared for the cons and manipulations to come when be realises you really are done this time and not going to come running.

I think focusing on the little freedoms like being able to watch what you want when you want on tv again ect...will hopefully make you feel better too :)

Ginger153 · 05/03/2021 21:32

Well done! You are stronger than you know and you've absolutely done the right thing. No specific advice but cheering for you.

2021mumma · 05/03/2021 21:39

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/ See if they have a freedom programme near you, well done for taking this brave step in leaving him and protecting your baby x

2020iscancelled · 05/03/2021 21:40

What should you do?

Go and look in a mirror and see that strong, grown, amazing mother, BAD ASS woman looking back at you. Smile at her and promise her this is it. This is the start of a better life for her and her baby.

You have everything you need right inside yourself. Don’t forget it.

Itstimetoquit · 05/03/2021 21:46

It's 9 weeks since i kicked my ex out,the emotions I went threw were awful,but I must say I don't feel sad anymore,I wrote down the pro's and the cons and everytime I felt weak I used to read through them and the feeling would pass,,after about 3 weeks he started begging to come back the same old bullshit,I'll change,I'll get help ect( been together 12 years and got 1 son together,lovely man till 3 years ago when he became addicted to coke and he turned into a monster),I didn't want to block him as we have a child together but he left me no choice. I unblock him once a day so son can ring him, I've told him he can't take son out until he proves he is clean! Stay strong op it really does get better xxx

Original poster
lana135 · 06/03/2021 01:00

I've only recently got my own council flat so theres a good chance I will be on a waiting list for a long time. Unfortunately my family are looking to move abroad within the next two years so I'm not sure it would be worth me moving closer to them only for them to move away

OP posts:
Original poster
lana135 · 06/03/2021 01:02

It is the same guy. I can look after baby on my own but my mental health is deteriorating quickly. Been to drs for help with my anxiety and they have offered me phonelines to call

OP posts:
Original poster
lana135 · 06/03/2021 01:03

I don't. And I'm not sure what my plan would be. He hasn't been violent since I was 3 months pregnant so currently I'm not concerned that he woukd turn violent over the next few weeks

OP posts:
Original poster
lana135 · 06/03/2021 01:07

Hopefully I can do that freedom course and I know there are courses in domestic violence that I can take it in town. It sucks though because all the support groups I could attend are via zoom and I can't get that on my phone and don't have a laptop. I'm sure I will find a way through this

OP posts:
Original poster
lana135 · 06/03/2021 01:09

Thank you for all the kind, positive comments. I just needed a boost to reassure me that I did the right thing 😊

OP posts:
Nogardenersworld · 06/03/2021 01:11

I don’t have any useful advice, but I remember you other post, well done on getting out of that situation
Stay safe
Just take each day as it comes and be proud of the huge positive step you’ve taken for yourself and DS
I hope you can get the help you need to get through it, it’s normal to feel anxious and stressed, it would be strange if you didn’t, just be kind to yourself

WineInTheWillows · 06/03/2021 07:53

@lana135

I've only recently got my own council flat so theres a good chance I will be on a waiting list for a long time. Unfortunately my family are looking to move abroad within the next two years so I'm not sure it would be worth me moving closer to them only for them to move away
Any chance you could go with them? Seems drastic, I know, but could be a fresh start. And although technically you're supposed to have permission from the other parent, as we all know, men manage to spirit their kids away abroad all the time without permission and there's seemingly nothing that can be done about it by the authorities as long as the dad has PR. I imagine it works both ways.
Treacletoots · 06/03/2021 08:01

Didn't want to read and run, but you can get zoom on a mobile OP. I've often logged into meetings at work on mine.

Keep strong. You've done the hard part. I was you 20 years ago and the only advice I will give you is to do some work on yourself so you don't make the same mistake with a new partner, when you decide to. I did, several times. As others have said, the freedom program is very helpful.

Wanderlusto · 06/03/2021 10:16

I was thinking the same thing as pp - any chance you could move abroad with them?

Sounds like a perfect opportunity of a fresh start.

Original poster
lana135 · 06/03/2021 10:34

Me and my ex and his family had a conversation about his is the past and ex has said he would be furious if I took my son abroad without his permission. He said I either had to add his name to the bc or sign some document stating i wouldnt take him abroad without permission so i picked the birth certificate. Exes family are very supportive and are my only support nearby so I promises them I wouldn't move abroad 😕

OP posts:
GeeBranzi · 07/03/2021 03:10

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IHateBuyingHouses · 07/03/2021 10:33

@lana135

Me and my ex and his family had a conversation about his is the past and ex has said he would be furious if I took my son abroad without his permission. He said I either had to add his name to the bc or sign some document stating i wouldnt take him abroad without permission so i picked the birth certificate. Exes family are very supportive and are my only support nearby so I promises them I wouldn't move abroad 😕
Promises can be broken, OP. It's a shame you added him to the birth certificate, but not surprising given the abuse.

Does DC have your surname?

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