MIL overstepping the mark

[Lavanderrose]

My mil is going through a divorce. The stress of it caused her to have a breakdown and shes been unwell. She needs to find a new house and has decided that she wants to live in the same area/ street as us. Dh and I have been a great support to her but we are only in our early 30s and I worry about it. She calls dh several times a day.

I’d be interested to here if you think that this is okay or not.

MIL moved a mile away from us after her divorce. We never had any real issues. In fact it made life easier not having a 4 hour round trip to go and see her. BUT my MIL was a woman who would not interfere and could respect boundaries. I think that's the question.

Let’s hope your children will be supportive of you in decades to come and aren’t persuaded by their partner’s to distance themselves from you.

I would try and gently discourage it because it sounds as if she will become reliant on you both.

Mil downsized a few years ago and her flat fell through so she wanted to come and live with us while she found a new place. I said no way and DH agreed with me. Fortunately, she found a place but it’s about as close to us as she could be without being in the next street. If she had her way, she’d be round our house every day.

How old is your mil? Is she generally fit and active? I think I’d try to encourage her to find somewhere where she can create a life for herself rather than relying on you.

A bit of distance is healthy. We live about a 25 minute drive from in laws. They aren’t on our doorsteps bumping into each other constantly. We can get on with our own lives. I do not get on with MIL and they wanted us to move into their area, I said no. You can still support with a little bit of distance, which will be better for her too. Btw a study of Italian couples showed those who had more distance from in laws were happier/stayed together. So it’s medically backed It sounds like you care for her and are being very supportive, but I think this would impact on your relationship a lot.

How is she "overstepping the mark"?

Are there suitable houses available in your street right now? Does she/will she be working?

I'd get DH to have a chat and tell her to think about her older age and where she will want to be. Point out she should buy a place she loves in a sensible location , with whatever amenities she needs nearby, not based on where you are as you might move and then she'll be annoyed.

Help her by researching some places she could move to and offer to help her with viewings etc.

If she has had a breakdown she probably will benefit hugely from some extra help to get her back on her feet now, but once she feels better she might regret making her sole criteria for moving "live near my son".

I used to be all cold and British about inlaws and parents. Now living as an expat and seeing how the rest of the world treats their parents and inlaws with such love and like actual family, which they are, and not as some weird competitor trying to steal your DP back or steal your children fron you, like everyone on MN seems to see inlaws, or as some nuisance trying to steal your precious time like everyone on MN seems to see parents. Everyone is happier and even healthier and life is easier because there's no pointless stress or tension and they help each other out so much. But if you guys all want to set the example to your kids that inlaws and parents need to be kept well away (living on your street is too close?! Seriously?! She's not asking to move in!) then go ahead and you all look forward to your older years when your children and inlaws want to keep you at arms length, and see your attempt to be near them not as natural, simply wanting to be close to the people you love, but as a nuisance. Hope your partners all live forever and you never seperate and you have glorious social lives in your old age and just lose all natural desires to see your children or grandchildren. Becsuee otherwise you're gonna have a horrible future when this all comes back to you.

@SmeleanorSmellstrop

I used to be all cold and British about inlaws and parents. Now living as an expat and seeing how the rest of the world treats their parents and inlaws with such love and like actual family, which they are, and not as some weird competitor trying to steal your DP back or steal your children fron you, like everyone on MN seems to see inlaws, or as some nuisance trying to steal your precious time like everyone on MN seems to see parents. Everyone is happier and even healthier and life is easier because there's no pointless stress or tension and they help each other out so much. But if you guys all want to set the example to your kids that inlaws and parents need to be kept well away (living on your street is too close?! Seriously?! She's not asking to move in!) then go ahead and you all look forward to your older years when your children and inlaws want to keep you at arms length, and see your attempt to be near them not as natural, simply wanting to be close to the people you love, but as a nuisance. Hope your partners all live forever and you never seperate and you have glorious social lives in your old age and just lose all natural desires to see your children or grandchildren. Becsuee otherwise you're gonna have a horrible future when this all comes back to you.

This with bells on..

My MIL lives a 10 minute walk from us and I am very happy that she does. And not for the free childcare because my kids have grown up and left home.

OP, perhaps you should try to have some empathy to the fact that her life has completely changed and she isn't coping.

It's really not up to you, she can purchase a house wherever she wants.

I live in the same town as my parents and in-laws and one childless aunt. We didn’t all start in this town, but people moved here gradually over the last 15 years.

It’s great. I just see them as people - friends, you know? I drop in at my parents after work for a cup of tea, my aunt will call me if she’s in town and if I am free for lunch out, but understands if I am busy with work that day. My Dad is currently over trimming a hedge for me, then we’ll have a cup of tea and he will go. The in-laws are picking up the kids and minding them, and then staying for dinner on Monday night, as both DH and I have parent/teacher aight after school. And last week we had A ‘get to know the parents’ Friday night drinks at the school. Mum babysat, and Dad had to come and get DH and I, as we had a bit too much fun at the drinks! Felt like a teenager waiting for the parents to collect us!!

In short, I just fit them into my life. They are all great and as they are all retired they have time and just love to help and be involved. My Mum would drop a casserole around every day if I let her! I take up the offers, DH and I enjoy date nights, help with childcare meaning we can both work, and the kids have lovely strong relationships with everyone. I have a sister with kids in the same town too, and She does a similar thing.

I’ll only be a problem if you let it be one. Think of the advantages, make them work for you, and don’t sweat the small stuff. It doesn’t matter if I disagree with what dinner they are fed or what bedtime is etc if they are looking after them. The bigger picture is my kids are happy, DH and I are happy and we have a strong family life, and a strong life outside family.

Enjoy every second with your parents and parents in law.

PS I need hardly add, I am in Australia - no lockdown here.

Why not set the tone by saying up front, MIL lovely you have moved close by, let do dinner at ours every Tuesday, so we can see you. I know you’ll be busy, so let’s lock in one family dinner a week.

If you have a girls club/bookclub etc, you could also say you’ll send DH around himself for dinner on those nights, as you don’t cook. Or if you want a weekly date night, line her up for babysitting duties on that night.

It gives her a start, and she’ll build her own life from there.

You will need boundaries - your DH needs to instigate the conversation though

Lavender - you don’t seem to be saying what the problem is?

Thank you everyone there is some really great advice here and it’s interesting reading people’s different perspectives on it. @Whydidimarryhim the problem is that my mil is becoming overly reliant emotionally on dh and also asking him to do things for her, she’s only late 50s such as her shopping etr.

I can how it is beginning to affect him in a negative way, for example he’s started to become anxious when she rings him. So I’m worried about the impact of her moving so close. I love her very much and will do my best to support but she isn’t the most easiest of people, for example she doesn’t show any physical affection to dh, like at Christmas there were no warm greetings/smiles and she’ll never hug him (covid aside). He’s always had to be there for her even whilst growing up and now the same and I just wonder if she’s over stepping the mark in their relationship or is this ok.

So the problem is her dependency, really. So yes, you're right to be concerned if you thon she is basically going to be want to be looked after in every way.

If she's overstepping the mark, it's in expecting him to do everything for her, not in living near you. But of course the latter makes it a lot more difficult for him to refuse or for you to get on with your own lives.

He needs to have a difficult conversation with her. And he needs to say no to her requests. Unless there's a back story, a 50 year old doesn't need their shopping doing for them.

It does sound as if now her marriage is breaking up, she is trying to put your DH into the role of partner or even go back in time to how it was before he grew up and left home.

So your DH having firm boundaries is going to be vital here - she can buy a house wherever she likes but he doesn't have to answer the phone 10x a day, respond to each text immediately, do every job round her house.

The pair of you need to agree some rules - you can visit once a week, no going round to put up shelves or change a light bulb - she needs a handyman.

Or wherever you want to draw the line, she is going to need a bigger social life than just your DH over and over but it is likely to take time for her to realise this.

She's a handful of years older than me and can't do her own blooming shopping?!! It takes me 5 minutes on the supermarket website. Good heavens.

He’s always had to be there for her even whilst growing up and now the same

He really has to say no. It's going to be incredibly hard though. Would he get some counselling do you think? Because he's really going to need help to break that pattern.

You can't stop her moving closer, but you can state your boundaries. A once a week visit is plenty. He can maybe do small jobs during that visit, but only then. She'll have to wait.
And he needs to simply not pick up sometimes when she calls.

You might have to be the evil DIL from hell, I'm afraid. Because she might not accept it from him. If she starts turning up at your door, you're going to have to have a strategy for that.

Do not give her a door key.

So if the problem is over-reliance on DH and it's affecting him already it's hardly going to get better if she's close by is it?

Establishing boundaries can be a major headache if she's the type to resist them, so perhaps you could drop in that you're planning to move yourself so there'd be little point in buying in such-and-such as you're not likely to be there?

If this worked for you it could fill a lot of time and give her the opportunity to change her mind, and could also give both of you the chance to encourage interests which might reduce the reliance

@GreatTeaMonkey

Do not give her a door key.

Oh yes. shudder That x100. Not ever. Not even for the hour it would take to get another cut.