DH self employed and working at home and driving me mad - am I being fair?Long one sorry

[sleepdeprived72]

DH has recently become self employed as a property developer after many years of working 5 days a week and pretty long days. I am SAHM. His work is very feast and famine. Some weeks he is really busy and he works away quite a bit and then he has periods where he is just following up with phone calls but doesn't have alot on. Prior to becoming a mum I enjoyed a successful full on job in the city but it has been my choice to be a SAHM. I have found it a big shift, it is hard work as DC's are 9 months and 2 and a half but am happy with my decision. Since becoming self employed DH has made far more money than he ever did on the payroll in what appears to be significantly less effort and time to do so. As a result he is often about the house (usually on his mobile) and when he isn't doing "work" he is off for a coffee, reading the paper or complaining that he is "bored" (that one really gets me). On the positive he helps out with my 2 DS's in the morning at bath time and at weekends as he did (and probably a bit more) when he was working for someone else.
He provides well for us financially which allows me to be a SAHM so why do I feel angry with him?? He has always said (even before we had DC's) that he could never do full time childcare and we always had DC's on the basis that I would be the primary carer. Am I just an ungrateful cow ?

seems like the green eyed monster from seeing him have some free time. as you said he helps out more and gets paid better than when he worked in an office. which if he did do you would see less of him,have less money and have less help with the kids.

LOL-just your name gives it away...sleep deprived. Lack of sleep always made me make a real mountain out of a molehill. I personally always valued my self-worth on how much I was being paid. Being a SAHM is a very ungrateful job as there's not as much of an obvious reward or praise as if you were working. I started working part-time and things have improved at home and I feel better about myself. Try and get DH to commit to giving you a morning off per week to do what you want e.g. go for a facial, or even get a part-time job for some of your own extra spending money. You might be surprised how much of a difference it will make.

I don't necessarily think you are being ungrateful. My DH has done contract work and is currently self-employed and so has been around the house more than most husbands. It was nice to see him for a while but in the end he was just getting in the way.

You have to have a routine and rhythm to your life with 2 small children but if your DH is hanging around at different times then you can't get on with things. I found I wasn't happy having people round for coffee or a play date if he was there. I felt obliged to tell him where I was going if I wanted to go out. Not because he needed or wanted to know particularly but out of politeness - you can't just walk out the door. And then of course, if you go out you then feel obliged to mention when you might be back.

On top of this there is the fact that because he has not routine as such you can't delegate any regular chore because he can always claim that he wasn't there or couldn't be there to do it.

My DH has now got himself an office so he goes there most days which is much better for both of us. That may not be the solution of your problem as your DH has time when he doesn't need to be in the office but he would be away from the house a bit more.

I have some sympathy though. Men do have a terrible way of mooching round a house and getting bored even when theres a ton of jobs to be done. My DH and I both work part-time from home, he travels a bit and I quite like it when he's out from under my feet . He does do some of the shopping and school runs, but it never seems to occur to him to make lunch once in a while...

However... now he has altered his work-life balance, he is finding time for other things that interest him - including reading books about philosophy, and spending days at nature reserves or on 'geological rambles'. Or, if going to London, timing it so he can spend a few hours in the British Museum. I very much approve of this; DD and I get some benefit at second hand from his experiences.

So maybe you should encourage your DH to do something he's always wanted to do but never had the time before, instead of mooching?

You both agreed that you would be the primary carer.

He's bringing home the bacon...lots more bacon.

Work these days is different...my dh spends loads of time on the phone but apparently its work.

As long as there is time that he helps and spends time with children then I think you should count the hours in the working day as out of bounds for domestic help. If he was in an office he would be taking tea breaks and other breaks and going out to meetings.

Maybe its you thats feeling bored at home.

Sounds like your pretty much blessed girl.

and NO, you're not an ungrateful cow....I'd be seriously pissed off too

Thanks for the balanced points of view. we have talked about having an annex/studio to which he can be sent rather than working in the house as I think the kids find it hard to understand that when Daddy is on the mobile/ computer he isn't on immediate hand for getting juice, playing cars or looking at poo. I don't think it would get to me so much if he wasn't so bloody inefficient. He spent 45 mins today looking for some keys for a property that were in his pocket and unfortunately I see him turning everything upside down and ask him what he's looking for and become included in the search. i am sure if he was out of sight for "non family" time I wouldn't care if he was reading the paper or get engaged in fruitless key searches. Maybe my desire ti make him more efficient at what he does suggests I should consider some part time work.

thks all will sleep better tonight (DC's permitting)

several probs here, all i think are relatively easy to solve.

1. you've got to get more sleep. are you going to bed as early as you can? can you nap at lunch with the dc's? arrange with dh that on the weekends he takes over during the night so you get a good night. take turns on weekends to have a good long lie in.

1. he needs to define work space. perhaps hire a serviced office somewhere close by, or convert a room in the house, shed at bottom of garden. just so he's not physically in your space.

1. you need to arrange with him an afternoon / morning a week, as a regular thing to give you time off to do something you enjoy. during his busy times, this might slip, but make sure it happens during the quiet times.

1. you need a bit more stimulation. i may be totally wrong, but i think you're missing your high-powered city job when you earned a decent salary. so somehow you need to get a bit of that feeling back. maybe it's doing an OU course. or start selling craft type things if that floats your boat. learn a musical instrument. but i think you need something that's different, that you can look forward to.

"he helps out with my 2 DS's" - aren't they his ds's too?

you need to ban the word bored!

I think your DH needs an office space and to keep office hours to a certain degree

he then needs to agree that if he has genuine down time during the week he will help you out around the house, but if not then between 9 and 5 he is at "work"

you are both working at home so you just need some parameters in place so you are both happy