Is this abuse and does anyone know about trauma bonds?

[outsmarted]

I have mild ASD and emotional situations can be hard for me to understand, as I often take situations at face value, so I was hoping for some advice on what this situation is.

I am just out of a same sex relationship that I ended a few months ago after some really violent outburst from her. I am a bit confused about things as I miss someone who I am also a bit scared of and the feelings confuse me.

It started as we live in the same building, just as the Covid thing started to happen so we started to meet a lot in the shared garden for chats and a lot of booze was generally involved. I then got Covid and she looked after me and got supplies for me. She really wanted to spend every minute with me so it became quite an intense bond really quickly.

She was really nice to me, helped with the loneliness and she was very kind and caring. She turned out to have all the same interests as me so we started doing everything together. She sort of invited herself with me to join me on my morning run and I enjoyed the company.

In the evenings, we'd quite often have a few drinks in the garden over the summer and one night I was very drunk and we ended up in bed. I did say afterwards that I didn't think anything else should happen (I wasn't really attracted to her and I have feelings for someone else) and so we went back to friends.

She seemed to accept that and we went back to being friends but due to lockdowns and so on, she sort of became my only relationship over this period and she started to have some angry tantrums with me if I wanted alone time or didn't want to do everything with her.

At first it was sort of getting drunk and then crying and demanding answers over why I didn't want to be with her and then it would be things like insisting she left a toothbrush at my flat and moved some things in, which I was extremely uncomfortable with but I ended up giving in to avoid more stress.

More alcohol and loneliness led to sex happening again and then it became more and more often and I sort of woke up in a defacto relationship. I am deeply ashamed of how that happened as I knew she was in love with me but it is hard to say how it got to that because I don't really know.

So she was then my girlfriend, although I didn't want her to be, and from there the bad behavior escalated. She was obsessed with this other person I have feelings for and kept going on about her. Usually when drunk and usually when she was wanting me to say I loved her or if I wanted a night alone she would just kick off.

That might be a lot of missed calls or banging on my door, but it got worse and worse to hiding in my car when she was drunk, monitoring me online to make sure I wasn't talking to this other person, begging to come into my house with tears and then physically attacking me or breaking my stuff.

I wanted to get out and for things to stop, but strangely if they did, I would miss her. It's hard to explain but I felt at a loss without her and there was a nice side to her that I really enjoyed and had become dependent on.

It really came to a halt when she started to threaten me with various things, even to the point of blackmailing me to try and get me to do what she wanted and after several violent all-night outbursts in a week, I cut off contact and asked her to leave me alone.

Since then she's been really resistant to no contact and is always finding reasons and excuses to show up at my door and I find myself bowing down to her because I am scared if I don't she will show up later drunk and it will be worse. So I have ended up having lots of chats with her when I really don't want to.

She's told me that the reason she is so crazy is that she loves me so much and she's had a really bad life (her ex hit her she says) so I feel like me having a relationship with her when I wasn't interested in her that way caused this whole nightmare.

My friends have told me she is manipulative and abusive and that I should speak to the police about it to get her to leave me alone, but I feel like she is only like this because of what I did to her and I don't want to ruin her life.

She also says bad things about my friends and family and tells me they are manipulating me and they are fake and I start to question my sanity.

My biggest problem is that my brain sees two versions of her. One is very nice and my best friend and companion and the other one is really scary. I have separated the two so I am sometimes not even that resistant when she tries to speak to me and I even miss her.

Can anyone help me understand this because I feel like I am confused.

During

Last word there was a typo, sorry

You are in an abusive relationship. Your friends and family are right to say that she is manipulative and abusive. The fact that you are questioning your sanity after she says your family and friends are abusive and manipulative, is an isolation tactic and should be ringing alarm bells.

You could well be trauma bonded to her because you crave her company even though she has been vile towards you and you are now making excuses for her behaviour, and even blaming yourself.

Her telling you that she goes crazy because she loves you is bullshit and gaslighting.

Please get out and you absolutely must report her for harassment.

It sounds like you need to cut her off for good. Send one clear message and then block her on your phone, don’t answer the door to her. Also work on your own boundaries, you never even wanted a relationship so don’t let this happen again

Your friends are bang on. She is manipulative as hell. Do you really think you're the first person she's treated like this? I'm willing to bet she has a loooong history of it. Probably with both men and women.

Why are you coming across so passive here? You seem to feel that you have some sort of moral obligation to give this woman your energy and time. That once you'd had sex with her, you'd "led her on" and somehow that meant you owed her a relationship. And that you then couldn't finish things because it wouldn't be "fair".

What could have been perfectly civil and grown-up - a short conversation saying "I'm sorry that I may have mis-led you by sleeping with you but this is going nowhere and I'm uncomfortable with the amount of contact you seem to need" and then sticking to that boundary has ended up in this horrible drama because you've tried much too hard to be "nice".

Sometimes - in fact almost always when someone feels more for you than you feel for them - being nice is actually more hurtful in the long run than just kindly but firmly rejecting them. It's the old saying "Cruel to be kind" - sometimes you have to cut something off sharply at the beginning before it gets out of hand.

If I was in your shoes, this is what I would do.

1. Send her a text or email saying "I don't want to be in a romantic or friendship relationship with you. Please do not contact me again." That's it. No reasons, no appeals to common sense, no "sorry", no emotional talk at all. Stick to facts.
2. When she then ignores your request not to contact her, reply ONCE and say "I don't want any contact with you again, in any form. If you contact me in future I will consider it harassment and will involve the police." Then you block her on your phone and all social media.
3. Now the tricky part. You have to follow through. So when she rocks up at your door, drunk and shouty, you MUST call the police. If you don't, she will know that she can manipulate you whenever she wants, however she wants. Do NOT open the door. Shout through it "Go away or I will call the police" and then do that.
4. Long term, you may need to consider moving. (Situations like this are exactly why I don't make friends with my neighbours, ever.)

Finally, have a long think about why you reacted to her the way you have. I don't know whether your ASD is a factor, but I suspect you've been brought up with messages about "not making a scene" or "don't embarrass yourself" and those messages can actually be very damaging to you as an adult woman.

You are not responsible for the happiness of another adult human being. Only for your children, if and when you have them. You were not put on this earth to be someone's emotional teddy bear. This woman will have to pull her pants up and move on, like we all do.

She is most definitely abusive. Abusers can be nice sometimes. It wouldn’t be over the top to contact the police if she’s been violent and is harassing/stalking/blackmailing you.

Having said that, ‘I don’t know how it happened’ is a bit weak, it sounds like she was very full on from the start but that you didn’t stick to your boundaries of saying you wanted nothing to happen. It sounds like you might need to work on your assertiveness as well to avoid getting entangled in a situation you don’t want again.

That doesn’t mean her behaviour now is your fault. It isn’t. Whatever you think you might have done it doesnt justify violence or abuse.

What are your options for moving?

It might be easier to break it off if you can create actual physical distance and simply move out without telling her your new address.

If you can't move, you're going to have to be firm about your boundaries and start thinking in terms of calling the authorities if she harasses you further.

And as to why you miss her: she has given you short, intense bursts of excitement and drama. You've got used to that, and now it's left a little hole in your emotional landscape. Just like giving up anything that is bad for you - smoking, alcohol, cream cakes - the longer you have it out of your life, the easier it will feel.

Thank you for the replies. I have two further question please.

(1) I have asked for "no contact" several times, in writing but the messages persists very regularly after which she shows up the next day at my door to apologise and be remorseful. I try and be as short as possible.

This has escalated now to get coming to my door 2 - 3 times each day asking me to meet with her to discuss things for "closure". I am very uncomfortable meeting with her because I ended the relationship 3.5 months ago but she has been to my door fourteen times in a week last week demanding that I do this and I feel pressure.

I offered her to put her questions in writing and I would reply but she demands a meeting and won't accept anything else. My friends say she is again manipulating me to get me into a conversation about the relationship and hoover me in again and that I don't owe her a face to face meeting.

She says I do owe her a meeting as it's what she needs to move on and if I give it to her she promises to stop. Although she has promised to stop for months and never does. Can you tell me if I do or don't owe her a meeting and if it's a good idea? My worry is that being ASD I can say the wrong thing and send mixed messages.

(2) Our building is a very close community and we all hang out in the garden together. I have now started seeing someone else (who I really like!) and my ex has reacted very angrily to this. She keeps telling me my new girlfriend is manipulative and fake (she says this about everyone in my life!) and is sending me long messages saying that she wants me to admit I miss her and begging me to come over and so on. She also says I am not allowed to bring my new girlfriend over to the garden once lockdown eases because she says it would be unfair to her to "rub my new relationship in her face" and she's told me that all the neighbors and so on will be hostile to my new girlfriend if I do. I really like my new girlfriend and would like her to come to gatherings and to my flat, but the ex says that is wrong and I am a selfish narcissist who is phytologically bullying her. My new girlfriend is now angry saying my ex is bullying me and it's none of her business.

Also people asked me about moving, in about 4.5 months I am moving for a relocation. In an ideal world I would move now and resolve the problem but it's not possible just yet.

So this is just about a short term solution and understanding my own mixed feelings of both wanting this woman to stop and feeling caring and responsible towards her.

I also really wanted to know what the right thing to do is, as I also now feel a bit trapped with my new girlfriends, who is lovely but is telling me I am being manipulated and my ex who is telling me I am cruel and she needs me to help her.

No, you shouldn't meet up with her. You don't owe her anything, you've been tolerating far too much bad behaviour from her.

You need to stop engaging with her like you are: stop explaining, stop responding, stop answering the door to her, stop sharing information about your life with her, stop contact completely.

One last message something to the effect of - "our relationship is over, there is nothing further about it I am going to discuss with you, you need to stop harassing me or I will get the police involved."

If she comes to your door, don't answer.
If she makes a scene outside, call the building manager or police.
Block her on social media and on your phone.

@outsmarted

Also people asked me about moving, in about 4.5 months I am moving for a relocation. In an ideal world I would move now and resolve the problem but it's not possible just yet.

So this is just about a short term solution and understanding my own mixed feelings of both wanting this woman to stop and feeling caring and responsible towards her.

I also really wanted to know what the right thing to do is, as I also now feel a bit trapped with my new girlfriends, who is lovely but is telling me I am being manipulated and my ex who is telling me I am cruel and she needs me to help her.

Listen to your girlfriend, she is spot on about your ex manipulating you. Your ex has called you a narcissist perhaps it's because she knows she is one. That's projection. The same reason why she's telling you your girlfriend is fake and manipulative because she knows she is herself.

Stop listening to what your ex says. Everything she does and says to you now is a form of manipulation designed to wear you down and bend you to her will.

She is asking for closure and to meet up with you, but she is actually trying to suck you back into her web of control. Do not let her. People like her don't want closure, they just get off on the drama and attention.

Do not play her games. Make a log of all her behaviours and go to the police.

You don’t need to ask for no contact. You just stop replying to anything and DO NOT song at her at all

I understand why you want to analyse the relationship and try to work out what is making her and you behave in these ways. Maybe you think that once you know how it works from a psychological perspective you'll have the power to end it.

But because you need a quick short term solution I'd suggest you pause the analysis and make yourself boring to her. She is feeding off your reactions. If you can dial down the emotional rush she gets from either overwhelming you with affection or hatred then she may lose interest faster.

Delete, block, don't answer, no eye contact, no chats. If she engages you it's ok to be 'rude' as in don't ask any questions, reply with brief one word answers.

The sooner she gets bored with you the sooner you will be free.

Your friends are right. You're in an abusive relationship with a very manipulative person. You need to tell her to go away. You don't have to be nice. You owe her nothing. She's zeroe'd in on you while you were at a low ebb, pressured you into becoming her girlfriend, and now you're no longer interested she won't leave you alone.

You tell her once more; leave me alone, and if you don't leave me alone, I'll be going to the police. Then follow through with your statement. Phone the police if she turns up at your door. Don't open the door and try to 'calm' her down, or be nice. She's not your problem. She's not your girlfriend. She's your stalker.

Thanks for helping me see my friends were right about this situation. I felt confused about who to trust because she has made me doubt my own sanity and I wondered for a while if I was the one who was abusive because she kept saying I am emotionally abusing her and psychologically bullying her.

Last night, things got worse as she got hold of my new girlfriends number and texted her repeatedly until about 4am saying the most horrible things like that I have been pursuing her and lying and generally things to really hurt my girlfriend as much as possible.

She was simultaneously texting me calling my girlfriend manipulative (they've never met and she doesn't know anything about her) and also accusing me of gaslighting and abuse. She kept saying the only reason she was crazy was because of me, and that she had never done anything wrong.

We did both block her in the end, but it really helped to get views on this and it made me see I am being coerced. Usually when she sends ranty messages I just apologise but this time I was able to stand up for myself and point out that she has done lots of things wrong and needs to take responsibility for herself.

Now daylight has come, I will do as advised and ask her to leave me alone and make a report as needed. I will find it easier to be tough now people have explained to me. She is very good at making you feel sorry for her and she kind of alternates between being viscous and making you feel like it's your fault.