SAHM and money / buying clothes

[JC2021]

Random one here, but I'm SAHM and my boy is coming up for 2.5 yrs - he'll be starting pre-school at 3yrs which is when I envisage to start back work.. I've not been earning anything for about 3.5 years now and rely 100% on my husbands income..

we have a joint/shared card that his salary comes out of and our mortgage etc.,

I am free to use it as I will, but I can't help but feel his eyebrows raise when I actually buy something for myself..

When its for our son, it goes without saying but for me (and i never spend a lot at all on clothes, i never have) i get a sense he is watching all the spend £. We have a joint/shared monzo too so it shows up the shop on both our apps, lol..

My DH has supported us well but god, I can't wait to have my own income again and get what I want when..

Maybe it's more me than him, overthinking and feeling uncomfortable with money..

I really need a few items of clothing - DH doesn't buy much for himself either.

Opinions on this??

Does he tell you not to buy things? It should all be shared money

@Shoxfordian no he never has said don't buy things but I am not big spender and wouldn't just buy lots of things for myself..

we recently got a refund for something and he said 'treat yourself' in a roundabout way which i thought f*ck off to..

but if i had my own money i would likely spend a bit more on myself..

he's a bit tight - lol

I've been a stay at home mum and I spent less as I felt the household couldn't afford it, but that was on me. My husband would give me his last penny. You need to decide first if this is coming from you or him and progress naturally. If you think it's him then a conversation about expectations and a direct debit to ensure an allocation of funds is set aside into your account for personal spending every month is a good move. He, of course, can do the same. An appropriate amount to cover what you need and you can then spend it as you like without worrying about being judged. If this causes issues then I would look to get a personal income asap, but this may cause some damage in your relationship.

@Piper79223 is right. Nobody here can give you an opinion as you may well be overthinking. Talk to your husband OP.

Speak to him but it sounds like you have access to the money so spend it on whatever you need

thanks everyone x

Why can't you have your own individual accounts? Have a joint account to cover all your joint expenses including child related ones, the divide what's left.

This is the reason DH and I have both joint and personal accounts. We have both had times of being the breadwinner and out of work during our relationship.

Everything goes into the joint account and then on the first of the month we get equal ‘pocket money’. And I do call it that on the transfer! That is for me to spend on clothes/manicures/presents/my Amazon habit. It is for him to spend on drinks out/lunches with colleagues/scratch cards and lottery tickets.

He can’t raise his eyebrows at my spending and I can’t raise my eyebrows at his.

I was a sahm for 7 years op and the first couple of years were quite tight after I gave up work. I bought myself very little in the first three years and when I needed rather than wanted anything. We have always had separate bank accounts and I used to keep receipts and dh used to write me a cheque on the last Sunday of the month. He never questioned a single penny but I still hated spending "his" money on stuff for me. TBF, I had savings enough to cover hair and make-up but too many winter coats and posh frocks for a wedding would have dented them.

When a couple drop from 2 incomes to one, inevitably some level of purse tightening becomes necessary. Is there much disposable income left in the pot once bills, food ext is paid for each month op? If there isn't much left and he doesn't object except for the raised eyebrows when you spend on yourself and he also doesn't spend much on himself, he may be feeling a bit anxious about his responsibilities as the sole provider.

If there is a reasonable level of spending power left for you both, then I think you need a calm conversation about how you are feeling. Hopefully you can agree to an amount you can both have for personal spends each month. If he is feeling a bit anxious this might need to be smaller than you would like at first. When he sees that this doesn't put you into debt this will hopefully relieve his anxieties and you can come to a joint decision about having a bigger amount.

If you are able to agree to this op and as you are not a big spender, you could save some of your personal spend money in a separate account. That way, it is there when you do feel like making bigger purchases and provides a small level of financial independence. I get where you are coming from. It's not that you want to spend a lot, it's more that you don't want to sense he is questioning everything you spend on yourself.

Exactly great input here, thanks very much