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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I need help

20 replies

iamtheoneandonlyyy · 04/03/2021 23:00

I feel I am always posting so I'm sorry if I am repetitive.
Last year I fled with my kids to a refuge. We returned to our home and my former partner is gone.
He has access to the kids I deliver them so that he doesn't come to my place.
It's been very up and down, he tries to cancel them at short notice sometimes and he can be either polite and civil or angry with me.
He has a new partner.
He recently heard that I have been seeing someone and since then he's been behaving less civil towards me.
He ran up debts in our names and hid them so I've been trying to sort out payments etc it's in the thousands.
Tonight he turned very angry because I asked about sorting out the finances and it blew up from there.
Since then I've had a relative of his that has been supportive throughout suddenly send some very nasty messages to me accusing me of being a liar.
I've never lied about any of this the truth Is bad enough.
He wasn't physically violent he always stopped himself but was building up the momentum when we left.
Tonight he also started shouting out the most bizarre lies about me I was caught off guard
I don't know what to do.
This can't carry on and I'm totally at a loss my head is spinning and now I'm realising he's probably telling a lot of these lies to people and making me out to be in the wrong.
I was doing really well until this it's knocked me right back

OP posts:
Jesskir89 · 05/03/2021 00:55

Bumping for you op as I'm going to bed but hope you're ok

iamtheoneandonlyyy · 05/03/2021 05:52

Thankyou Thanksim not really

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iamtheoneandonlyyy · 05/03/2021 07:55

I'm looking at non molestation orders online and I don't know if it's a good idea or not?
I don't want the children to not see him this isn't a revenge thing I want them to be happy I just don't want to have to deal with him anymore
I also want to find out what I can do about the money stuff if anything
I'm very confused I didn't think it would be this bad after leaving.
I knew it wouldn't be great but it was getting better and now it's at an all time low

OP posts:
Beforethetakingoftoastandt3a · 05/03/2021 07:57

I don't want the children to not see him this isn't a revenge thing I want them to be happy

It wouldn't be about revenge; it would be to protect them.

See a solicitor. He is getting increasingly hostile. Can you ask for a safer Hand-over?

mediumduboir · 05/03/2021 07:59

You need to speak to someone who has experience of this. Have you spoke to women's aid before or behind closed doors is another good organisation who maybe will give you some good advise. Do you have anyone who can do the hand overs for you?

iamtheoneandonlyyy · 05/03/2021 08:14

Thankyou I have been through women's aid to get out and I sent a message a couple of days ago for advice
I know on paper it seems like he shouldn't see the kids but it's me he's hostile to not them. They love him a lot and I think no legal person would refuse access without him having been awful to them.
Everything I've done has been in their interest I don't want them to suffer.
I'll look into the behind closed doors.
He's really going to town on the lies now even to my face even when he knows I know he's lying and so does he.
I feel I'm going insane but I suppose that's what he wants.
I doubt myself constantly but that's the difference between us. He doesn't. He isn't agonising over every little thing

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 05/03/2021 08:23

Sorry OP this sounds awful. Was it Womens Aid who helped you get into Refuge? Have you spoken to them at all if so, I am sure they can give you on the best way to keep your kids and yourself safe going forward.

It sounds like supervised contact needs to be the norm for at least a while. He cannot be allowed to keep abusing you via the children.

iamtheoneandonlyyy · 05/03/2021 08:38

I like the idea of not being at handover, it's not them he has a problem with.
He's furious I had the nerve to leave and sometimes he can hide it but sometimes he can't. Or chooses not to.
His relative that sent the nasty messages has a conviction for domestic abuse himself.
I'm not a strong person but I know I can't live my life like this.

OP posts:
Littlegoth · 05/03/2021 08:43

You are a strong person as you left him. That took a lot of courage so don’t sell yourself short x

iamtheoneandonlyyy · 05/03/2021 08:45

Thanks yes sometimes I feel that and I'll so much happier in general now but I am changed.
He makes me think is it me? At I the cause of this and I know that's what they do but my fear is pursuing something legally and not being believed.
This is a small town 😔

OP posts:
MrsMoastyToasty · 05/03/2021 08:50

If he took out loans in your name he committed fraud. Speak to your local CAB and also the police rather than take on negotiating with the lenders yourself. Abuse can be financial as well as emotional and physical.

iamtheoneandonlyyy · 05/03/2021 08:55

It was more that he didn't pay council tax and a few other things but told me he had. For a period of 2/3 years.
He's been making minuscule repayments but I'm the one that gets chased for it and I had no idea it all until we left and I started getting things in order.
I'm stuck

OP posts:
iamtheoneandonlyyy · 05/03/2021 14:12

Is a non molestation order a good idea?

OP posts:
Easterbunnygettingready · 05/03/2021 14:23

Write to the Council. Tell them you accept 50%of the debt only. Offer a payment plan. Doesn't have to be much. Fiver a week.. Block all of his family. Is contact court ordered? Using the dc as an opportunity to abuse you may see him in court. See if a judge deems the dc seeing him a good idea..

iamtheoneandonlyyy · 06/03/2021 12:24

I've had a call returned from the domestic violence line and been given Rock solid advice. I feel amazing for now and the stomach knots are disappearing again

OP posts:
tropicalwaterdiver · 06/03/2021 18:28

If you are on low income, ask your Council who can provide a Grant for you to clear Council tax debt. There are many grants out there now...

iamtheoneandonlyyy · 06/03/2021 23:42

@tropicalwaterdiver Thankyou I was advised very similar today. I'm crossing all my fingers and toes believe me

OP posts:
oil0W0lio · 06/03/2021 23:48

I'm so sorry for what you've been through ianthe, sending you strengthâš¡

oil0W0lio · 06/03/2021 23:49

And if it hasn't been said already please keep a detailed log of everything that happens

iamtheoneandonlyyy · 07/03/2021 08:23

@oil0W0lio Thankyou ThanksI'm reenergised after the advice I've been given,
Onwards and upwards

OP posts:
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