Advice needed, I hate confrontation - sorry long one

[beingliedto]

My friend borrowed almost everything I had for my first 2 DC, she had her first after my second so I passed it all on to her. Then we became unexpectedly pregnant with number 3, like so many I believe, and although I had said that I didn't want it all back when I handed it over I sort of expected she would return it when we found out we were having another. I got some clothes back but none of my equipment, in spite of asking on several occasions.
I let it pass as she had become pregnant too and by that time I had replaced most stuff, and I had said she could keep it .I did however drop out of contact with her as I was quite peeved to say the least and the more I thought about it the more peed off I became. Not before lending her a car seat , on the express condition I had it back when I needed it.I had to renew contactwith her to get it back. Now she says I never gave it to her.
The thing is that if it had been any other of my friends I would have believed them and questioned my own conviction. However in the past this friend has made up complete stories about things which have happened, told other friends that I hadn't wanted them there for my birthday and also come up with three different versions of why she hadn't returned much of my other equipment.
You may ask why we are friends and you're right, she's not a friend any more.
But she has left a 'hurt' message on my answer machine because I said i was positive i lent her my car seat, I know I should call back as we're supposed to be meeting up soon, but i don't know what to say. I don't want to hear how hurt she is that I don't believe her, I don't want to hear another story about what really happened and I don't want to her her say, after I've told her I bought a new one, that now she remembers she does have it, oh never mind I don't want it now do I.
Sorry but it's keeping me awake at night.
I am by the way positive this is what has happened, I remember the circumstances and have also taken the precaution of checking with all my other friends who might have borrowed it and gone thorugh my house to ensure I hadn't still got it.
Do I just not return her phone call and ignore her forever, or do I ring her and say something - I don't want a confrontation, it was hard enough to confront her after she denied it the first time. what do I say if she calls again?
Help, please.

Sorry that was all too long.
To summarise - what do I say to my friend who's a compulsive liar and denies having borrowed my car seat, when I'm such a wimp and have never stood up to her.

say - Im sorry our frienship had to end like this. I thought you were a true friend - I treated you like a true friend. Please dont call me again. We both know what happened and I dont wish to have someone like you in my life. Goodbye (and you could add pi** off at the end just to vent some of your anger!!!!)

Yes but that's confrontational - very wimpy emoticon needed - you are right, I need to say sometihng but I'm not sure I can. I am being a wimp , I know but I get so upset by confrontation.

I am also really bad at confrontation- would be tempted just to let it all go- is it worth the hassle? Especially if you are no longer friends?
Sorry I know thats no help!

It's not confrontational

You aren't confronting her, you are merely telling her your friendship is over.

Friendships should be equal, not one-sided the way it seems this one is.

I'm a wimp but don't like things festering - I might be tempted to write a letter with the things that oldwomanwholivedinashoe said.

I think you will feel better if you DO confront this.... you are obviously ( and rightly ) very annoyed by this, why is it so hard to say that to someone you dont intend to see again ??

be honest and hold your head up, You don't have to be rude, just honest and say; ' sorry I know this is what happened and I am very disappointed'.

good luck

I'm with you on that Teasle, but I'm a bit scared she'll call again. I can't not answer my phone ever again. I had a really wimpy idea that I'd get one of those phones that shows who's calling.....you see I'm pathetic.

hmmm

im not sure

is she really that hopeless? are you sure she is lying and not just dopey and knackered?

in either case i think you need to be honest but calm and call her to say please can you drop it round and if she starts waffling on about who said what then say 'we'll have to agree to disagree'

i just dont think people set out to piss each other off - it tends to be more lack of thought

Your're right firefairy, I know I should its just half of me is so pissed off that I don't actually ever want to talk again, i guess a letter would be an idea supermonkey but then its in writing and she could show it to anyone claiming I've made it all up and the thing is i wouldn't actually put it past her. we used to work together so we have mutual friends. Well acquaintances actually, none of my friends are friends with her.

I woulnt do anything unless she rang or contacted you again. If she does Id say as I said above but if she doesnt its like shes admitting that she knows what she's done so why bother with the effort. Ifr you really feel like you need to finalise things and she doesnt contact you then write these things in a letter as someone else suggested.

newgirl, I've already tried that. I started by saying I'd like it back now but when she's ready. That was a couple of weeks ago. She told me she had never had it so I said, I was sure but accepted i could be mistaken. Then called later on to say I was sure I'd given it to her and asked for it back. She's had enough time for it to come back, this is after all an £100 car seat. I even offered some get out clauses like she might have lent it to someone else, but that was whn she went all hurt and defensive on me.

You are right oldwoman, the thing is I jump every time the phone rings so I need to do something, I guess i can just text her to say I'm not meeting up with her. I just feel its a bit rude not to turn up.

Dont feel rude. If you are sure you lent it to her and she knows this then she is a liar and not worth being friends with. I wouldnt give her the time of day. My life is too busy to have people who i dont value in it - Im sure yours is. You can guarentee she wont be losing any sleep over this

If you really don't want to have anything to do with her again then i would just cease contact all together. Ignore calls. But, if you're awake at night thinking about this, it suggests that you do actually give a shit about this person? Couldn't this just be a bit of a mutual misunderstanding? If you were good friends once, it seems a shame to write somebody off for the sake of 'stuff'. Possessions are easy come/easy go. Not sure that friendship is. Maybe you should just meet up over a drink and thrash it out!

it seems the other woman is unable to thrash anything out though as she doesnt adnit she had anyhting? is that right?

I know she's lying, vespertine.
You are right oldwoman, I'm just one of these people who attracts 'bad' friends, I always seem to have one in my life at some time or another. I also have a lot of very good friends who are worth ditching money or car seats for. It has taken me a while to realise what kind of person she is, selfish, manipulative and actually since I declared my friendship over , to others, it is interesting wehat has come out of the woodwork about her. Things that happened long ago in the past but people didn't like to sya because she was a good friend of mine.
My other friends are worth much more than a car seat and TBH it isn't about the car seat, I've already replaced it, its more about the fact that yet again she's lied and taken me for a fool.
Why can I say all this on MN and not toher face. I wish I wasn't such a wimp.

Yes you're right about the thrashing it out, she denies it all, and anyway it sounds a bit scary.

I really think a letter might work. if its getting you down, get it off your chest. draft it on the computer, give it a couple of days, look at it again. I'm sure you can draft it in such a way that if she did show it to someone else (and TBH, if I received a letter like this I'm not sure I would). say you are really disappointed with the way you have been treated by her and would rather not meet up again. you're entitled to do this. if she does call, I find difficult conversations go better if you stand up. seems like a trivial thing, but it does work.

i'm not naturally assertive and these things have worked for me...

Hi BLT. Before writing a letter or other form of communication, ask yourself what result you want to get out of it. She has already denied that you gave her the carseat, so I'm not sure that getting a letter is going to force an admission. If I was you, I would take the higher ground on this one and let it and her go. As you say she is a 'bad' friend so for the sake of the posessions you have already replaced I would go completely cold on her. You are in the right. End of. This is causing you too much stress and anxiety. I would say the best thing for you to do is to move on and let her live with the consequences of her actions.

Thanks t4t and ispy,I have come to the conclusion that leaving it now is the best thing to do. If she were any other friend I wouldn't be so put out but this is the final straw really. There are a number of other issues that have upset me in the past which I haven't mentioned here, don't want to identify myself through specific details.I did text to cancel meeting and if she does ring me I'll just have to be brave,[another wimpy emoticon] I like the idea of standing up I'll try that.
I've decided that what's been keeping me awake is the constant trying to work out whether she is right even though I know I'm sure. I have questioned my certainty in the light of her denials and have decided that the only thing that causes me any doubt at all is her denying it. I am completely certain and I'm only exploring other possiblities in the vain hope that I am wrong and this situation will just go away. I guess I've got to move on and try not to go into a panic every time the phone rings.
It's really just topped off a bad week emotionally as DHs family have told him we won't be wanted there at Xmas anymore - not actually a bad thing in my eyes- but I'm very sad for DH, so its been a bit of a roller coaster this week. I'm actually getting to the point now that I'm angry at her for putting me through all this, that will help, I'm more assertive when I'm cross

I'm a bit like you, beingliedto. i hate confrontation face-to-face usually, but am very good at letting rip behind the scenes. I've tried to analyse why, nd I think its about not believing it's OK to be hurt/upset/angry about things, or that people won't llike us. So, I guess it;s down to whether you care what she thinks anymore. We all seem to agree you are justified in being pissed off, although the important one to believe that is you, so keep it calm and polite and assertive, as OldWomaninShoe said. You'll feel better afterwards.

Oh God. Better own up that I hid from ex-window cleaner today because I didn't want to have to tell him that I'd found a better, cheaper one who doesn't try to rip me off!!!!I KNOW I'm entitled to ditch him but telling him face-to-face.............

I'd avoid seeing her as if she is such so manipulative she'll only make you doubt your own beliefs further. Sometimes dropping someone feels incomplete (no chance to say your piece) but sends the right message in my view: 'you have insulted me, I want nothing more to do with you'. Also, it keeps you safe from having to waste more time worrying over whether or not you were the one in the wrong. If you know she's lying, and don't want the seat back, then it might be best to give her the message that you can no longer be bothered sustaining the friendship (and why should she ring you if she knows she's lied? she's more likely to avoid you).