Found to much porn on husbands phone

[Amelia2x]

So i need some advice me and my husband have been having a rocky relationship for a while and ive had my newborn 5 months ago.

I was going through the draws and found an old phone of mine which husband used for some while after i got a new one. As it wasnt being used for a month or more i thought maybe il clean the history and sell it. Its in good condition. Anyways Come to see that husband has been watching so much porn. He knows i dont agree with it.

We only have sex once a month, as he continuously keeps telling me hes tired after work. Even affection is not there.

Hes lied to me in the past of where he goes, often used to come home early mornings i.e 5am etc but that all stopped. I feel so shit and crap because i feel like every relationship has its own boundaries and i certainly dont agree with porn and he knows that. I feel like it gives them unrealistic hope with the partner and also were my self esteem is low, and in general dont feel sexy within myself.

He keeps his phones glued to himself and its making me question everything

Am i over reacting 😢

I know how you feel as my ex dh did the same when my son was a new born and it made me feel awful about myself and that I was sitting breastfeeding this baby 24 hours a day on little sleep and he was wanking himself silly to pornhub. Made me hate him tbh!!
Dont have much advice but I know the feeling and it's grim.
The secrecy about it all also hurts. It's like you see a side to them you didn't know about!!

No, you're not overreacting.
He's a lying twat.
I'm so sorry he did that to you.
Is it a dealbreaker for you and can you get past it, thats what you need to ask. And is he still watching it?

Well, someone watching porn of itself isn't necessarily a problem if a relationship is comprised of two adults who have their own autonomy.

For some people, pornography use by their partner is a dealbreaker, but then I think any rules around use needs to be transparently discussed and agreed to if necessary in order to make sure both parties are comfortable with the boundaries.

In your case, the two red flags I see are the lying and the lack of affection.

If there is lying going on, that is disrespectful behaviour that is not going to make you trust him to start with.

In terms of affection, unfortunately pornography use can become an obsessive habit for some people and replace intimacy. It's a growing problem in society sadly.

Do you think it is something you can discuss with your husband. Would he be able to own his behaviour and have a desire to change?

Yes i feel like im a limboo. He told me he was needing sex but ive always tried being affectionate he used to keep telling me hes to tired so i felt neglected to be honest. Just to now find out he was watching porn.

I feel like this is a deal breaker for me because I've openly told him from the start about this and we agreed

I feel betrayed and felt bit sick seeing him this morning.

From what you said about a rocky relationship it is doubtful that porn is the root of it but rather a symptom. Seems like you both have a lot to discuss which of course is not easy with a newborn.

@proudmummy76??

Neary every argument was caused by either hos lying or being very distant. Im not even trying to shift blame on him but root problems come from him as to why we argue. Sex keeps us sane, keep that bond there. But he even stopped that and just turns things on me. Like im argumentive and moody @AaSaat

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I found out my husband had been watching porn secretly whilst I was upstairs asleep. My libido had taken a hit because I had a baby and was tired but also deep in the thick of perimenopause. The secrecy is also a factor that troubled me. Instantly, I began to mistrust him (with no other cause) and I also lost a huge amount of respect for him. It also brought up other issues in the relationship and I was amazed that as soon as intimacy stopped so did any affection he had for me. Now I'm wondering if affection was lacking in the first place and he was only really after one thing and whether we ever really connected properly on other levels. I have so many doubts now and I'm stuck in a kind of limbo state (I have dcs and two of them are young). I'm waiting for some face to face counselling so I can put this somewhere as I don't feel able to tell the few friends I do have. What makes it worse is that my husband is the only adult in my life as such - I have no extended family. It's rubbish and I feel so alone but I need to keep it together for dc. No advice to give sadly as I'm still trying to process it.

my self esteem is low, and in general dont feel sexy within myself.

Yes, this was certainly applicable to me too so it was like a double whammy. I think my husband just stopped turning to me for sex in the end, didn't bother to discuss or to check in with me properly, just turned to his visual aids...he said he didn't want to bother me...but then stopped bothering in other ways (emotionally etc.) too I think.

Ahh im so sorry your going through this too.. Ive only been in this situation of porn for a day but i feel as if its hit me deeply i dont personally feel like il ever trust dh again as ive had trust issues in the past over sneakiness and not emotionally avaliable. I'm feeling stuck to because i cant speak to anyone in real life to as its not something anyone will openly discuss due to cultural reasons @User454876584

It's a shock isn't it, finding out. I keep trying to tell myself it was just vanilla porn etc. but it is the secrecy thing too and now I have lack of respect which I can't seem to get back...and it has been quite some time since this happened. My husband thinks that the counsellor will help me to see that what he did wasn't that bad.

On MN these sort of posts always end up I the same way. So - you may as well move to the Divorce section and start planning your exit.
In real life - if every man/woman who watched porn had to get a divorce - then only a few marriages would survive annually.

In general, only a serious addiction to porn causes real issues in couple’s sex lives.
In other cases the issues the couples have are rooted in their relationship/ personalities/communication styles/needs mismatch, etc.

I don’t know anything about your relationship. But it must not have been easy with the covid and having a baby. Even the strongest of relationships have been strained. So it’s no surprise you had issues. It’s also unlikely that the cause of all argument is one person in the relationship.
None of it matters if you are divorcing, obviously.
But if you decide to try to make it work - I think the two of you would benefit from counselling to get to the bottom of what isnt working.

(That said - and porn aside - not sure I’d be having kids with someone who routinely used to be out all night without explanation)

MMmomDD Whilst many aspects of your post might be true - for example underlying issues...it is posts like these that make someone feel that is not okay to not be okay with porn.

You're wrong, the fact that my husband has been watching even vanilla type porn has sparked serious issues in a relationship that would have probably otherwise trundled along and been much better than it is.

From what you said about a rocky relationship it is doubtful that porn is the root of it but rather a symptom. Seems like you both have a lot to discuss which of course is not easy with a newborn

Maybe if he stopped wanking off to porn every 5 minutes and helped OP out with the baby that might help their relationship...

And maybe if he wasn't wanking off to porn all the time he might actually be so 'tired after work' but yeah I mean, blame OP who is looking after their newborn on her own while he's out god knows where till 5am. It's clearly all her fault
And of course porn causes problems in relationships ffs even without an addiction OP has stated it's a deal breaker and he knew that.
All that aside I honestly think you should boot this man out of your life OP. He isn't committed to you in the way he should be and the way you deserve - he's out till 5, withholds sex in favour off tossing himself off to images of marginalised women and lies. There's nothing to love about that. This is your life and you deserve happiness.

What I can never quite get is the fact that those women here who don’t have an issue with frequent porn use just can’t seem to accept that some of us do have issues with it— more so if it’s all very secretive. I don’t personally have an issue with modest amounts of debt etc or blokes that don’t do quite as much as the woman around the house , but I try to avoid commenting on the threads where the OP is really uptight about it simply because I would struggle to be supportive in the way the OP needs . If anyone here has a personal issue with partners porn use then they don’t really need to feel that they are being jealous, prudish, uptight, not cool etc .

Here we go . Porn is a big issue for some people ! Myself included !!!! You could be happy as hell and have the perfect family Kiel but if you don't agree with porn and the other person ruins it by watching it then they have every right to feel the way they are and even leave a relationship ! I have been through absolute hell where porn is concerned and I am still having councilling from what it has done to me

Porn is a form of cheating--he's getting sexual gratification from other women. I would not be with a man who looked at porn.

He knows I couldn't even sit here and agree on him having nudes on his phone let alone this. This is past my boundaries and i really feel lost. I love and care for him so much but i feel like he crossed that line of respect. I feel if women was to be watching male porn they it definitely would concern them

You are not overreacting. It's not too much porn, it is porn.

@Amelia2x
What do you want to do?

You can vent here, if this is helpful. And you’ll get a lot of people telling to just leave, etc.
But in the end of the day, it’s your life and you need to make the decision and live with it.

There are clearly issues in your relationship. Given what you said about your relationship prior to the baby - it started earlier. And now with lockdown and all the usual stresses of having a newborn it is all gotten to a worse place.
Parallel to that - there is also lack of intimacy and your feelings about your body, which most new mothers have.
So - all of it is much bigger than porn, and how much he does/did watch it. Which isn’t all together clear from your post anyway.
And - you mentioned cultural issues, which i am guessing would make it (divorce) further complicated.

So - you’ll still need to decide what you want to do?
Leave?
Stay? - and on what terms of so. Sweep it under a rug OR try to resolve the issues and build a different new relationship?