This is unforgivable, right?

[HeidiSchmeidi]

I think this is probably unforgivable but just want to run it by an objective audience. This happened a year ago and my ex is trying to get me to take him back (he has been trying for a year) and I wanted to see if I am crazy for even considering it.

My boyfriend and I were long distance at the time, and I hadn't seen him in three months. His ex started working with him. She is a woman (colleague from another office) who he had a brief relationship with (a few months) and he ended it because she was in love with him and wanted more and he didn't return her feelings.

When she arrived though, she relentlessly chased after him. To the point of propositioning him for sex and telling him if he did it she would never tell me and so on. She started sending him messages and so on about how she still loved him and didn't he miss her (he did tell her to stop and eventually blocked her) but it was quite blatant she was trying to steal my man.

In his defense he did tell her to please leave him alone because he was in a relationship (she didn't respect this request) and he was also completely honest and told me everything at the time and shared any texts with me so I was in the loop.

At the time, pre-pandemic, there were a lot of boozy work nights out almost every weekend, and I know my boyfriend very well and he is one of those people who gets absolutely blotto and does and says crazy things (loves everyone), so I was very uncomfortable with him getting wasted drunk if she was around. Not so much because I thought he would sleep with her, but just because I thought a conversation would start that he would not be in control of and so on.

So we agreed he wouldn't go to events which she was at, or if he did that he'd stay sober. Which he did for three months. Then one day there was an event she wasn't meant to be at, but she showed up to and he was already completely wasted when she got there. He was drunk at this point with no boundaries so he didn't think to leave.

She started hitting on him quite blatantly, and he ended up talking to her for a while. I happened to call him, and he told me where he was and that he'd chatted to her and in his drunk state he didn't see a problem at all with it. He actually got quite belligerent with me "I am an adult I think I can make a judgement".

I was home alone, I'd had a really stressful day and I felt very threatened by how persistently this woman was trying to steal my man and so I asked him to come home and call me. So he did and left five minutes later (it was about 9.30pm). He had been drinking all day on some corporate boat trip and he was absolutely wasted.

We never argued much, but I ended up absolutely raging at him, shouting, and told him I wanted to break up with him. I then blocked him on everything. This might seem an over-reaction, but at the time we were under a lot of strain being separated, and I felt he wasn't doing enough to get this woman to stop chasing after him (maybe his ego enjoyed it a bit) and it was making me feel really uncomfortable.

I'd stress we never had ANY problems with trust before (together two years) but this woman was blatantly gunning for him in the most obvious way and I was worried after so many months apart and her constantly trying to get him alone that something might happen everyone would regret.

Anyway, I did my dumping tantrum, and he (already wasted) decided to go back to the party and carry on drinking because he was upset and said he was on a self-destruct mission. She got him talking, he told her we had split up and cut a long story short he went back to her place and slept with her.

The next day he woke up really horrified but he believed we were genuinely split up so he went home. Later that day I called him to try and patch up our fight and sort things out and he confessed what had happened.

I was absolutely devastated, and told him I could never forgive him. He cried for weeks, tried everything he could to win me back but I just could not get past it.

Here we are over a year later and he is still trying to win me back, I am the love of his life and so on, it was a drunken mistake he made when he felt I'd dumped him.

Any thoughts on this? We do still love each other, but although my behavior was bad on that night I couldn't figure out why a few hours after our breakup he went and had sex with the one woman who had been making me feel unsafe for so long.

Obviously I;ve been very uncomfortable

I don't know... could I forgive the shag after dumping him? Hmm. Yeah, maybe.

But why was he even sharing all the info about some woman being blatantly after him?! If some guy was coming on to me I wouldn't be telling my partner whilst going out and getting drunk with that person, complete with screenshots of messages He wouldn't want to hear / see that.

It seems your ex is a bit desperate for validation and attention? And that, for me, would make it a "no".

So I don't think the motivation was actually wanting to be with her or anything. He doesn't want a relationship with her and she's not very attractive so I don't think it's a desperate sexual desire or anything.

He thinks she's attractive. He was with her before you, and the first thing he did after you dumped him was shag her. And the sexual desire was desperate enough for him to go straight back to hers and fuck her.

I wouldn't take him back, for a few reasons:

1. His feelings for you were so weak that he had sex with someone else just a few hours after you broke up. Whether he was technically blameless is irrelevant, in my opinion- I couldn't ever believe that he truly loved and wanted me, rather than just a convenient hole.

2. I think you always suspected his feelings for you were weak, hence the insecurity around the communications with this woman. If you believed, deep down, that he loved and wanted only you, you wouldn't have felt any worries about anyone else.

3. It would feel like a proper slap in the face that he went with the one woman he knew you had issues with. Personally it would make me feel sick to even contemplate being with him again.

As for the year-long persistence in trying to win you back- well, he's had an example of how that can work, hasn't he? Pursue someone long enough and eventually you'll get what you want. You should demonstrate to him that it doesn't matter how much someone pursues you, it doesn't always work that way- or at least not with someone who has self-control and self-respect.

Looking at it objectively he has shown that how he acts out when he is upset is to hurt you. He had no regard for how much he would be hurting this other woman either as she clearly had feelings for him and he took advantage knowing he didn’t want anything with her. He was being sexually harassed in the workplace and should have reported it -if he had this may not have happened but I agree he liked the attention from both you and her, that’s why he didn’t- his ego. You are well out of this and a year down the line is 50% of your relationship... time to move on OP and tell him to do so as well

Even if he never slept with her, your whole long post makes your relationship with the guy sound insufferable.

Have some self-respect and move on. Relationships aren't supposed to be that much hard work. I'm trying to imagine having a bf who wasn't allowed to go to the same events as a certain woman, or if he did, had to stay sober. Already I'm thinking "fuck that".

Do yourselves both a favour, stop leaving him dangling be clear there is no hope and move on.

I think your reaction was totally OTT. You admit you had the "WE ARE OVER!!!" tantrum (your word) and he was plastered, which you know leaves him in a state.

So, you dumped him. Thats on you.
He was single. Thats also on you.
He slept with someone else and deeply regretted it, well thats on him but as far as he knew, he was free to do so.
She isnt coming across well but you cant steal a person who doesnt want to be stolen. And he wasnt stolen, you had dumped him.

So all in all, if anyone should be asking for another chance, its you not him!

I should add that his pissed up logic at the point of sleeping with her was "Why the hell not? What have I got to lose?" on the basis that you had screamed that your relationship was over.

It sounds to me like you want him back.

Gosh if you hadn’t seen all these texts of her begging him to be with her snd him telling her to fuck off, I’d assume he was lying to you, becayse the way you describe her behaviour...well it’s highly unusual right? It’s the sort of shit that blokes feed you. But it indeed just bullshit.

But if you’ve seen the evidence, and not just the bullshit message saying it shouldn’t have happened, which he then showed you, but if you’ve seen all this begging, then sure, take him back, that’s what you want.

If you’ve not, and he’s lying through his teeth. Then I think you’d better not,,,don’t you?

Why two women would want someone who was often wasted, I have no idea.

I don’t understand why you dumped him over having been at the drinks with this woman (as I will explain later, I think there were other valid reasons to). Sounds like he tried hard to put her off. I think your insistence that he had to instantly leave any venue that she arrived at, on penalty of dumping, was a bit odd and I would have found it very controlling. I don’t mean that to sound unfairly harsh - we can all be a bit controlling at times when feeling insecure. But ....

By dumping him in my opinion you freed him to sleep with others. Last time I got dumped (horrifically cruelly - he was in retrospect a total bastard) I got on Tinder within three days. Among the best thing I ever did. Helped me recover from the abject misery I was in, and I am still with the first guy I went on a date with now. I absolutely do not think I did a single thing wrong there. No, I didn’t shag someone a few hours post-dumping. But my ex would have had no right whatsoever to object if I had - I more didn’t because a) I was sobbing pathetically (at 42!) in my mom’s bed, and b) it would feel very unfair to the shagee, to shag them due to my anger rather than out of genuine desire.

HOWEVER, I do not think you should get back with him as a) he sounds like a very problematic drinker (and I like a drink myself - not judging that - but he sounds out of control from what you say) and b) I think he showed a shitty misogynistic attitude in shagging a woman who clearly had strong feelings for him, simply out of anger and a desire for vengeance. You definitely deserve better than this man, and I wish you well. X

Fickle isn’t he? Not a keeper, importantly the trust is gone, you therefore have nothing to either build on or go back on.

You were anxious and felt justified in dumping him. Why do you want him back?

What happened with this woman since? She apparently stalked, chased, begged him for ages, then he spent a night with her, so she must have thought she was in with a chance at least. If she chased him so much prior to this night with nothing back, she surely must have continued with that bit of hope thrown in on top? And a year is an awful long time for him to be lonely without you.
I’ve read the thread and can see both sides, and most opinions unusually, but really end up wondering what happened to the woman and any contact between her and your guy.
Best of luck with your decision OP.

I think the only thing he’s possibly done “wrong” here is maybe drink a bit too much a bit too often

He’s been open and honest throughout. Did as he was told (hmm) leaving a party. You ranted and dumped him anyway. He slept with someone whilst single.

A lot of posters are finding interesting excuses to blame him, but after you dump someone you can have no expectations of exerting any control over their behaviour.

I'm on team boyfriend. I think you drove him to it by not trusting him. He gave you no reason not to trust him. He even complied when you insisted he came home, but you still raged at him. I don't blame him being pissed off with you, and whilst it wasn't very sensible to do what he did, I can certainly see how it happened.

@HeidiSchmeidi Were you drunk too when you did the dumping?

What has happened since? Are they still in touch? If he says they are not, can you believe him?

I would forgive him, and I'd forgive myself if I were you, but I wouldn't get back in a relationship with him. It's broken and can never be what it was.

OP the 'my man' bit concerns me.
Clearly he's anybody's if needs be.
Get rid and give yourself a talking to.

He hasn't done anything wrong. U dumped him. He was single felt like utter shite he needed a good feeling so went back to the desperado and did it

Think its awful u dumped him and then want to get back with him th next day. Make a decision and stick to it..

Think ur in th wrong here. He didnt cheat on u. So hows it unforgivable. Id b so pissed off if id been so open and then my partner dumped me over nothing.

You sound like a psycho the way you went on at him and broke up with him because she happened to be at a party that she was in. And you dumped him because he talked to her.

If I was his friend, i would tell you he had a lucky escape.

Tell him rather

@beelzeboob

But he was 100% honest with you the whole time, he tried to block her / ignore her but it would have been difficult when they work together. He got shitfaced one night, you dumped him (totally unreasonably IMO), he went a shagged her probably as a “fuck the world” type action whilst pissed and upset. I think I’d be able to forgive him if I loved him.

This.

I wouldn’t get back together , too much drama. He got very drunk and you had a row where you said don’t come back etc so he went and slept with his ex. Tell him straight it’s not to be and move on , unless you are still enjoying drama of it all