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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Friend clingy / needy

19 replies

Tagagzjskva · 04/03/2021 17:11

Hello

Posted here as this was the closest relevant section I could find, hope that’s okay

I have a friend who I made at uni. We completed basically the same degree and now both work for the nhs, as nurses but different areas.

We live at opposite ends of the country.

She has always been a little bit like this, quite needy/ clingy and messages a lot, gets very upset if I don’t answer (when I’m usually asleep/working). She’s also kind of moulded our careers together.

I work in the speciality she wants to work in but she works in a bigger and better hospital than me in a big city. This isn’t an issue for me but it seems to be a big issue for her.

Once a couple of years ago I vaguely mentioned Australia and maybe wanting to go for a few months in the future. This is still a maybe, not a definite no or yes.

She asks me about it at least once a week. I have made it clear if it fits with my own career development/ is allowed with all that’s going on with covid/ life doesn’t get in the way then I would consider it. But I have also said I may not go, and if the world is still as it is now for a few years then it would be a no.

I’m very career driven and like to throughly research things. I have looked up Australia for job prospects / qualifications / experience required. At the moment neither of us would be able to work there, requiring 2 years experience in our area of speciality.

She has kind of moulded our careers as we work as staff nurses for now, then go to Australia, then both get charge nurse/ specialist/ trainee posts at the same time.

This is highly unlikely to be the way it works out but she seems unable to veer from this.

I do like her, and under it all she means well but at times I find it way too much and borderline attempted controlling. (Like saying we should book the exact same weeks for AL). I am starting a new job (same speciality but different city) and she has told me about ten times she is jealous / wants to move / etc .

Can anyone advise me, horrible as this may sound my life doesn’t revolve around her. I have family and other friends to fit in and personal goals for my life.

OP posts:

wizzywig · 04/03/2021 17:14

Hi, I don't understand what you mean by moulding your careers. And she makes you use up your AL at the same time as hers?

Angeldust2810 · 04/03/2021 17:17

I would recommend putting her on an information diet. Don't tell her any more information about your potential plans or your new job. Keep communications very general, then there will be less and less for her to latch onto.

Original poster

Tagagzjskva · 04/03/2021 17:20

@wizzywig

I apologise I’ve not quite worded this right.

When I say she’s moulded our careers together I mean in her head (and in our conversations). It’s very when we apply to be a band 6, when we do a master etc. Obviously this isn’t real life and she has no actual control over my career but in the context of our friendship it dominates conversation

OP posts:

Sunshinedrops85 · 04/03/2021 17:21

If she isn't the type of person you could say that you just need space maybe you could just try phasing her out slowly. Take a bit longer to reply to messages and don't meet up if you don't want to.

Original poster

Tagagzjskva · 04/03/2021 17:22

I didn’t mean to imply she makes me use my Annual leave at the same point as her. She try’s to influence me to book the same weeks as her.

By the vehicle of emotional manipulation and talking about it all time

OP posts:

Original poster

Tagagzjskva · 04/03/2021 17:23

Thanks for the advice everyone, I think I’ve let this dominate my life a bit too much when there are easy options out of this which I didn’t realise.

Apologies but I needed some people to state the obvious I think

OP posts:

Ruminating2020 · 04/03/2021 17:26

It all sounds a bit Single White Female to me.

You're going to have to set boundaries with her. Try "That doesn't work for me" and don't give any further information. It seems very intrusive her telling you when to book you AL.

JustHereWithPopcorn · 04/03/2021 17:29

If you live at opposite ends of the country I would slowly try to keep her at arms length. Take a little longer each time to reply to messages, stop telling her important information about you/job. Just keep your conversations light and when she starts talking about your careers etc change the subject. Keep doing this over time and she should get the hint.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/03/2021 17:32

Some friendships just aren't meant to go the distance, and this is one of them. I would be fading out with this one.

RandomMess · 04/03/2021 17:32

Also you can drop in elements such as "who knows I could meet someone, get married and my career change direction as a result" you could also drop in that you are considering South Africa rather than Australia or saving up to travel the world or going into lecturing...

MrsComte · 04/03/2021 18:59

Do you both have partners/families/other friends?

MrsComte · 04/03/2021 19:00

@Ruminating2020

It all sounds a bit Single White Female to me.

You're going to have to set boundaries with her. Try "That doesn't work for me" and don't give any further information. It seems very intrusive her telling you when to book you AL.

Off topic, but I watched Single White Female the other day! Excellent film.

ForeverDiamond · 04/03/2021 20:29

It sounds suffocating, and very Single White Female. She sounds a leech. Someone being in my business all the time would piss me right off.

I would do all the things suggested by others. Information diet, lies (I’m thinking of Ireland, South Africa, the US), and fade and distance, fade and distance. Personally I would cut someone like that from my life completely. Their claims of being upset when you don’t answer immediately, badgering you about your plans, and of being envious of you - all would be a complete No-no for me. You have to learn to take a stand OP against this kind of nonsense from a “friend”

ForeverDiamond · 04/03/2021 21:38

PS and just to add I don’t think it would be easy to relegate her to acquaintance or fun “friend” on a more superficial basis, because of the geographical distance anyway. But I would be doing a massive fade; perhaps the friendship will die a natural death then, though if she’s clingy you might have to be firm.

PotterHead1985 · 04/03/2021 21:56

@ForeverDiamond

It sounds suffocating, and very Single White Female. She sounds a leech. Someone being in my business all the time would piss me right off.

Am I the only one who read "fade and distance" in the voice of the penguin from the Madagascar film? "Smile and wave boys. Smile and wave." 🤣

Yea OP you need to pull away from her. Be less available. If she starts on the jobs/careers subject say 'I've had a day of it at work and want to talk about ANYTHING but that'!. If she doesn't get the hint this may be one of those times where 'ghosting' may be the only answer.

Original poster

Tagagzjskva · 09/03/2021 23:34

Wow I’ve been working so didn’t check on this (sorry )

OP posts:

Original poster

Tagagzjskva · 09/03/2021 23:37

I have other friends including my best friend who she is very jealous of

We are both very early 20s so no kids, no serious partners.

She has other friends but is kind of on the fringes of two groups (who all live in her home town which is literally the opposite end of the UK to where she now lives)

I’ve made a friends through work, and she hasn’t which seems to be another issue.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tagagzjskva · 09/03/2021 23:40

Since I posted the thread I’ve just messaged her less and less and kept it superficial.

No careers talk, very little talk of my upcoming move, I’ve diverted the convo back to very superficial matters.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 10/03/2021 00:33

Definitely fade away.

This is NOT someone you want to travel with.

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