Why doesn't he ever compliment me?

[Babybrain123]

A bit of back story beforehand.
I'm not longer with my DDs father. Our relationship was strained at the best of times and it became too much so we decided to end things. We are on good terms, and have each found someone new.

I have been with my current partner officially for about 6 months now, but we have known each other for over a year and we had a decent friendship prior to being together.
He looks after me, is very kind and has even taken me and my DD into his home during the lockdown as I do not yet have a home of my own following the breakup of my previous relationship. I can't fault my current partner on how nice he is, even though some of his jokes etc can be a little 'on the line' sometimes.
I have noticed though, that he has never ever complimented me on my appearance. When we were first together he would say how much he wanted to have sex with me but that's as close as it gets.
It's not like he doesn't comment on other girls appearances either, as he quite often would tell me if he thought a girl was attractive or not. It even got to the point where I had to say to him that I didn't really like hearing about other girls all the time so he's stopped doing it as much.
He has once told me that as he has gotten older he goes more for personality than looks because it means his relationships are more meaningful, but to be honest that didn't really make me feel any better.

Is it that he doesn't find me attractive?
If so, do I stay knowing that the person I am with finds other girls attractive and not me?

I do struggle with self confidence, and he knows that. I have also mentioned on a number of occasions that I find it odd that he has never complimented me even though I often compliment him, but this hasn't changed anything.
Some days I just feel like I'm here for convenience and because he doesn't have time to find someone he actually does find attractive and put energy into them. He does have a tendency to want to fix problems for people and I do feel like I'm just another person he can look after. It's quite depressing really.

I want to be with him, but is it a lost cause?

Your first priority is getting accommodation. It’s hard in lockdown I know but that should be your aim. You have a responsibility to your child to get a home for you both. It’s perhaps been convenient living there but I think getting out is a good first step.

If you decide to subsequently date that man it’s up to you. But it will be your choice, not something you have to do to keep a roof over your head.

I’d be interested to hear his side of the story. You might find he says he does compliment you but that you don’t hear it because if your self esteem issues.

Or it could be that you are right, in which case I’d say he doesn’t find you attractive but sees you more as a friend with benefits he happens to be helping out as you are homeless and he is horny.

Get yourself out of there and get some phone counselling to help you feel better about yourself.

Is there is something you can do to help that process of loving yourself again, like finding the time to straighten your hair how you used to like it or start walking more to tone up or whatever, then go for it. Sometimes we lose ourself when kids come along and just feel like a frump instead of a yummy mummy.

You deserve to be happy. Start thinking about what makes you happy without replying on a man to do that for you. All the best

Thank you for coming back to me.
I know what you mean and I agree with what you are saying.

His response to me saying about compliments etc is that his ex used to say the same thing all the time and that's just him. He doesn't expand any further than that so it's hard to know what he really feels. He does tell me he loves me, and I have said the same, but I know that you can love someone but still not be in it for the long haul with them. Its just so hard because the longer I stay the more I feel for him, and the more I feel like I'm going to get hurt because I'm not what he actually wants.

With regards to living arrangements I was staying with my sister initially, but she is on the highly vulnerable list so it made more sense health wise for me not to be in the house with her. I could go back there once lockdown ends if I needed to.
Unfortunately I have been left with very little following the end of my last relationship, and I have been on furlough as I work in the hospitality industry so finding a house to rent has been a little difficult. I do plan to find somewhere though and hope to be able to do this very swiftly after I go back to work full time.

I’d also agree. It’s difficult if you’re homeless and not earning, but this is a very new relationship to be living together and a child involved.

Can you speak to your local council and get on the list for social housing.

I think you can see what the relationship is like better when you’re not reliant on him to this extreme.

Either he hasn't got a clue how to treat a woman or he wants to keep you down a peg or two. I had similar, although plenty of compliments at the beginning then nothing as if he wanted my self confidence to suffer, commenting on other women and 'jokes' at my expense.
If he's not making you feel good then end it

Yes definitely agree it's very early to be living with him. Had this year not been the way it was I most definitely would not have moved into his house this quickly. It's definitely not my ideal arrangement but it has helped to have somewhere where my daughter feels comfortable and has her own bed to sleep in etc.

I did speak to the council a few months ago and unfortunately I do not qualify for social housing, so it's just a case of finding somewhere to love and then claiming UC for the housing element. It's been difficult to find somewhere that will accept me though because I will be claiming and for some reason that makes me a bad tenant.

@seensome

Either he hasn't got a clue how to treat a woman or he wants to keep you down a peg or two. I had similar, although plenty of compliments at the beginning then nothing as if he wanted my self confidence to suffer, commenting on other women and 'jokes' at my expense. If he's not making you feel good then end it

I've been with men like that too, and he doesn't appear to be like that thank god. He is pretty affectionate and very kind and giving, just no compliments. Literally zero from day one.

He complimentary about other women though, I think he knows what hes doing. He's told you he goes more for personality so basically telling you that you're more that to him that looks. IMO a man should make you feel attractive to him too.

Agree with @seensome completely. I'd accept the lack of compliments as a personality trait, but not when it's paired with pointing out other women he finds attractive! And when you told him you didn't appreciate him bigging up other women to you, he didn't actually stop doing, he just reduced the amount (NOT a loving reaction). Wrap that up with 'on the line' jokes ('banter' that insults you I presume?) and a white knight complex and you have a bunch of red flags waving!

Why do you not iLife for social housing? Is it because you are living in his house? Is so, another reason to consider your options now?

Qualify.

Nope nope nope. Was just waiting for you to say he complimented other women infront if you and yup, you said it.

The beginnings of narcissistic triangulation - when they use other/another woman to play you off against in some way in order to feel like you dont measure up or arent good enough.

The fact that you've even told him your need and he still doesn't make any effort, clinches it.

It also sounds like he got you at a vulnerable time where you needed a home and were just out of a relationship.

Seriously op, he is not a nice man. He is a danger to you. Get yourself out of there. Asap.

Have you started to look for places to live in? You could still look and rent during Covid. Just viewings were virtual.

Really this needs to be your priority.

I stopped reading when you said you moved your child into a house with a man you’ve been dating for 6 months. This should be your priority, not his lack of compliments.

I think you need to have some self worth. He says he loves you, he's take you in. You love him. It is nice to be complimented, but that should be an occasional thing, daily wouldn't be genuine, it would be saying it as a habit.